hehehe...and you thought it would be over...

Well Wombert was quite upset that her future spouse had been turned into a female, and not in the least bit willing to be lesbian, she sought after the Mystic to transform him back.
Meanwhile the Queen was quite upset because she couldn't remember the funny inside joke she was supposed to put on the story.  She thought and thought and thought, yet it had lost her.  In fact she was losing everything it seemed.  Soon she lost her money and even her clothes (ew!), all because she was losing her mind. She wandered the streets begging, "Oh please have pity on me! I am a poor woman with nothing to wear but a towel."  Of course many men were awestruck, but did not pursue her for fear that the Mystic would turn them into shrubbery.
Finally an old woman, disgusted by the Queen's "outfit" gave her money to buy some clothes!  
So as the Queen walked around to find a good clothing store, she came upon the mysterious VS store.  "I already HAVE underwear," she thought to herself, and tried to resist, but a voice was calling out to her.  
"Oh QUEEEEEEN....I already have my new Spring wardrobe in stock." (The Queen grimaced her teeth.) "Look at all the beautiful flower designs.  And look...you can even get a bra with duckies on it!"  The Queen couldn't take it any more!
But as soon as she stepped inside, she was immediately transported to the Mysterious Land of Amnesia, where the Mystic was there awaiting her arrival.  She was plotting wicked wicked tricks to play on the Queen (and Wombert.)

Thou queen hast forgotten that the Mystic waiteth upon the Raccoon's arrival before her connivings materialize...

For starters, she shall treat them to a feast fit for royalty...(seeing as one supposeth that she is...), and after they have filled themselves, send them on their way, as one unwittingly carrieth in her personal bags the FORBIDDEN VIDEO TAPE...

The feast was tempting, but Wombert was on a diet.  Or at least, she was supposed to be.  And she was also a bit too upset about the transformation of her significant other to actually eat anything.

"Gimme back my man!" she cried.

The Raccoon just sat back as the whole thing went right over her head...
http://images.google.com/images?q=tbn:U4nDI7NZAyIC:www.papabearsnorthwoods.com/images/Cracker-Jacks-raccoon-eating-cracker-jacks-taxidermy.jpg

Then, Racoon Gurl was approached by Beaver Gurl. "Hello", said Racoon Gurl. "Do you like redwood or sweetgum trees?" "I'm off the sweetgum." answered Beaver Gurl. "Now I'm on a diet of twigs and branches. Bleech!"

Suddenly a large rodent appeared.  It was Bluto, who had been transformed by the Mystic.  She was extremely upset by the fact that she couldn't put a picture on her profile.  Perhaps because she wasn't logged in?....
Anyway, she was so mad that she transformed the first thing she saw into a rat.  Why Bluto was there is a whole new story....  :o
Our main characters of the story were in the library for some reason.  So was the home-schooled academic team, who were terrified when the rat ran by their table.  "AAAAAUUUUGHHHHHH!!!!!!" they screamed in girlish voices.  The Jewish kid slightly squashed the rat, severely injurying it and himself.  
Of course the Queen was QUITE upset that Bluto was hurt, and was willing to do anything to punish this evil lover of flags.  Wombert set up a court date, and CrazyRacconGurl was the judge in this case of trying the Jewish home-school kid with attempted murder with......

http://images.amazon.com/images/P/B00000JD5S.01.MZZZZZZZ.jpg

The Raccoon didn't care one way or the other as long as she didnt have to eat the blueberry jello... :-X

The "home-school Jewish kid," however, wast aquitted; it appeareth to be that the Queen hath given conflicting testimony on the witness stand, thus creating reasonable doubt.  The Queen wast further frustrated by the fact that the jury consisted of those certain individuals, none other than...

Alan Shapiro, Roseanne and Tom Arnold, Adam Sandler, Sammy Davis Jr., and all Three Stooges. (Nyuk, nyuk!)

The Queen spit.  :P  "ACK!"
"HAHA!" laughed Indy Gent, thinking her display of saliva was because of the new characters of the story.  But in actuality, it was the glue from her new permanent retainer that made her gag.  Well, this made all the story board members laugh even more, but the Queen used an eggbeater.....a car battery.......and a bowl... of blueberry jello.......to create a plutonium bomb to destroy them all.
Unfortunately, the characters created by Indy Gent remained, worst of all Sammy Davis Jr. from Sweet Charity.  He sang terrible songs of the rhythm of life.  He also sang songs of Mary Jane...
As if things weren't bad enough, Mr. Rogers popped out of Queen's brand new T-shirt and came to life.  Mr. Rogers himself had changed with the times, and sang his own theme song hip-hop style.  Unfortunately, he changed some of the words, greatly offending the Queen and all her peeps...

The Queen, totally oblivious to the Jewry of Indy Gent's "characters", somehow got her mouth shut together by the glue she spat out. "This, indeed, was God's punishment for the Queen's latent anti-Jewish stand.", cried Mr. Rogers, as King Friday and Lady Elaine followed him to Jerry Seinfeld's apartment for a little whine session.

Meanwhile another Jew stopped by the house of Seinfeld.  He was about to get onto them for drinking fermented whine, but they all tried to pass it off by saying that they were observing the Lord's Supper.
"Ah, I see," said Jesus. "So you have all converted to Christianity?"
"No," replied Curly the Stooge, ruining the party for everyone.
"I DIDN'T THINK SO!" shouted the Lord.  He sent every one of them to stand in the DOWN elevator.  Then Larry whispered, "Gee, it sure is crowded in here..."
"Oh, is that so?" Jesus said, overhearing Larry's comment.  "Well then I guess I'll just drop you off....and DOWN YOU GO!"  And he pushed the button.

Meanwhile, he needed to have a talk with the Queen about converting the Jews instead of attacking.

Cyclops the Anteater decided to interrupt their chat for a moment to beat a dead joke to an even bloodier death, and then waltzed away...

...As Cyclops limped away Kyle Brovloski entered with a dreidel and started playing and singing The Dreidel Song.  This caused Lady Elaine to begin a very convulsing form of dance...

with little kicks, thumb jabbing, and violent thrusts. Lady Elaine was quickly panned by the Queen and Kramer, who decided to go make a bootleg video tape of "Gonads: The Scrotus Horror", which was playing at the Cineplex Odiferous.

Well, the Queen soon got fed up with this nastiness.  She was about to call the Mystic to see if Indy Geny and DJ Midas could withstand her crystal electric chair.  But then she got to thinking about that talk she'd had.  "Convert.......muahahahaha!!!!! Yeah, I'll convert them all right!"
Suddenly she transformed into  Doctor Ruth, and converted Indy Gent and DJ Midas into eunuchs.  She ran off laughing wickedly, as they both shrieked, "COME BACK HERE! YOU SCROTUS WH*RE!!!!!"
And just for kicks, she decided to convert Cyclops to a helmet.  
" :-[  :-X  :'( ,"  said Cyclops.

But as with all of her spells, it backfired on the Queen. As she instead turned into Dr. Laura and Indy Gent and DJ Midas became horny Casanovas. As Indy Gent was doing the nasty on the Queen, the Mystic walked in and Midas started to bed her down too. Dude walked in medias and squeaked, "Are you guys supposed to be gay?" Then the two tied Dude to the Queen's royal throne and Cyclops had his way with him.  

Rice Cube walked into the room, took a double-take, wondered what Indy had been smoking, then carefully and quickly backed out of the room again...

...The only thing DJ Midas could think of, as there is usually a song stuck in his head, was Van Morrison's "Into The Mystic."... ;D

...and so Midas kept waiting. And waiting. AND WAITING...
Finally, by the time he stopped waiting, "Mystify" by INXS was playing in his head...

...Along came an anteater on a tricycle.  From far away it looked like either a dolphin or the cartoon character JabberJaw was approaching, but alas, it was an anteater.  He parked his trike and came over to the group and said...

..."Would you stroke me?  Would you pet me?  Would you make my fur stand on end?  Would you follow me to the bend?"

Then the anteater, being shunned, wheeled away to find someone who would comply...

And DJ Midas waited.  and waited. AND waited...
It was almost as if the Mystic was never there.  Then a Cake song ran through his head, which made him think about cake.  Suddenly, arriving with a milk and cookies cake, was none other than the Iron Chef Champion Iron Chef Chen!  :D

Ok, guys, this is getting bad.  I'm sorry for even mentioning the fdeirudjf anteater in the first place

DJ Midas was about to chow down on his precious snack.  But suddenly the Mystic returned, to practice her duet with the Queen.  " >:( " said DJ Midas.  But he managed to escape the threat of starvation and went to his hotel room and put a sign on the door which said "No Moleste!"
Speaking of "moleste" the Queen was QUITE furious with Indy Gent's posts.  So she took him to court.  However, the judge was too young to comprehend any of Indy Gen'ts crimes, so she just played with the Rubix Cube.  So the Mystic gave her sentence: "IG is to be convicted on child molestation/porn charges, and sentenced to life in a max. sec. prison w/life-no parole, with, of course, like prisoners, who are much bigger, stronger, and more sexually frustrated than he is..."
Well, ya can't argue with the authority of the Mystic, and ESPECIALLY not with the Queen, so IG was indeed imprisoned.  He figured maybe there was a chance of getting out if he repented; sadly the prison chaplain was a Catholic Priest..... " :o" said Indy Gent.
As for Rice Cube's anteater...the Queen and the Mystic sang continually until it shriveled up and died of starvation.

But the poor Queen and her loopy sisters had miscalculated,
Their characters sang too much and be it ill-fated!
For instead of shrinking to the size of a spore,
Rice Cube's anteater increased three sizes more!

All before it exploded and disappeared forever.
Luckily for Rice Cube, he was now eligible to try out for the Vienna Boys Choir.  Besides, he was Oriental-if he stood in the back, nobody could tell the difference.   ;D


Sorry, buddy

Rice Cube pondered whether or not to make fun of the State of Oklahoma and talk about Hooker and Beaver...then he noticed that his anteater hadn't exploded, but was really quite well.  In fact, it was fairly excited to see that the Queen cared so much about the anteater that it started to walk up to the Queen and circle around her leg, offering a meal of ants as a ritual gift.

But as he looked up, he realized it was the wrong Queen.  This wasn't Queen of Scots.  It was Bloody Mary, the Queen Dreaded by All Men.

Dreaded by all men because she had a face so puggly
She gives a new meaning to the word called "ugly"
With pores the size of the Caspian Sea
And whiskers that split into threes
Hair caked with mud and grime
Must wear a blindfold next time!  :o

Furious that she had to explain her own joke to a certain sister of hers, the Queen of Scots decided to reveal the reason just why this hideous Queen was called "bloody" Mary...........

And now everybody knows  
" :-[ :-[ :-[ :-X :P" said all the board members.

Not even touching the garments of the Good Jew Jesus would heal this vile creature.

But the 80s Cheerleader had a plan...

Because the 80s Cheerleader was young at heart and a cool mother, and did not fear the bloodiness of this Mary...

Rice Cube dared not ask why Mary was bloody in the first place, for this was possibly one of those girls-only things...

The 80s cheerleader sauntered up to Queen Bloody Mary and said (in her best motherly tone)  "You bring Queen AmenRa back"

Bloody Mary was awestruck at the cheerleader's request.  She asked "Why should I do what you say?"

The cheerleader replied "Because I said so!"

Noone had ever stood up to Bloody Mary like this before.  Just as she was about to refuse, the cheerleader did a toe touch and kicked her in the face...

Rice Cube instantly thought about that Miller Lite commercial where the two impossibly-endowed women were catfighting about whether the beer was good because of its great taste, or because it was less filling...his anteater, still running circles around the Queen's leg, was getting antsy because the women were about to fight...

But soon the anteater was doused with blood, and immediately became un-aroused.

Bloody Mary had been defeated!

The anteater decided that it liked 80s cheerleader more, and 80s cheerleader petted the anteater until the anteater was happy, and then they summoned the power of the Zords to create the Ultra-Mega-Zord, who with the Blazing Sword, destroyed the threat of Bloody Mary once and for all!

80s cheerleader's karma was so messed up by this involvement in slaying Bloody Mary that she was temporarily exiled to the "Land of those who are disconnected"  She tried in vain to reconnect, but alas, her connection portal was Microsoft.  So, in true cheerleader fashion, she tried a cheer...
"R-E-B-O-O-T!"  As always, it worked.  Her connection portal was back online ;D

Rice Cube e-mailed the 80s cheerleader some extra strength karma (TM) so that she may never have to view the evil blue screen of death ever again!

The cheerleader received the gift from Rice Cube, but alas, her portal was moving slowly again and she was afraid that it would take more than karma to get it going again.  

80s cheerleader was again banished.  This time, however, it would take much more than her amazing cheering skills to be admitted once again to the "Land of the Connected."  She picked up her mighty megaphone and summoned the powers that be.  A new signal was sent, which would prevent the future banishment...until next time...

And 80s cheerleader was greeted by 90s cheerleader, who wore a barely visable thong bikini. Both decided to form a wrestling tag team. They became a hit on GLOW and the WWE.

however, much to Indy Gent's dismay, 80s cheerleader had a clause in her contract that she would only wear an approved cheerleading uniform, with bloomers underneath.  Nonetheless, they were a sight to see...

After a long fruitful slumber, DJ Midas returned to the scene to check out 80's cheerleader's signature moves...

Which were quite scary indeed.  But then 80s cheerleader pulled off her mask to reveal her true self: Richard Simmons.
He/she then ran around screaming "I'M A PONY!"  And Rice Cube evolved into Richard's best "friend," Binky the Clown.

Holy crap!  Richard Simmons was not really what he appeared to be...he was Richard Selleck, Tom Selleck's evil twin, with an evil goofier porn stache!

And Binky the Clown started talking about Yappie's Dog Treats....

Richard then performed a signature toe-touch and booted the Queen in the head.  She was knocked unconscious, thus breaking the spell and 80s cheerleader and Rice Cube changed back to there former selves.  Chef Chen arrived on the scene with cookies and milk canolies and 80s, Rice and DJ shared a delightful dessert...

But, Chef Chen was not who he appeared to be either.  He was actually a vicious lurker, who did not like most of the members of Penguin land.  While 80s, Rice & DJ thought the desserts were most tasty, they did not know that they were spiked with a virus, that would crash their connection portals as soon as they tried to use them...

Thankfully, Chucky Penguin was able to restore Penguin Land to its former glorious speeds, and all the Penguins in the land rejoiced!

Then they went tobogganing as only penguins could :)

...but 3 hours later 80s cheerleader decided to give the lurker a toe-touch "reboot" and knocked him into the middle of next week, thus restoring connection and wounding the virus...for now...

Things were good in the land of the penguins...

Yes indeed.  DJ was thinking, "Now if we could only get the missing piece of the transponder from the other queen then Mark could send us some pizza and beer..."

The only problem was that Chinese people didn't know the difference between Bobo and Binky.  And all the penguins disappeared.  

Now the Queen looked around at all the board members left.  She was very pleased that Indy Gent was incarcerated, and all his postings were just the ramblings of a sexually disturbed prisoner.
The only problem was that the BOO-YAH sisterhood was breaking up due to the pervertedness of the board members.  " :-/" she thought, "Maybe I should bring back some favorite characters."  
So she had the Mystic of Singcratia use her Ancient Sphere of Time and Wisdom to bring the 2 back.
Somehow she had also summoned Kirk's pig who had escaped from Albuquerque.
And Bluto was experiencing the joy of new never-before-seen e-mail features.

The cheerleader liked that thought, except for the beer, she would prefer a nice stiff vodka/cranberry lemonade.  She hoped the others would join them for their party.  

But the Mystic kicked 80s cheerleader out for lacking syntax and talking like a Russian.

So 80s cheerleader went to the first story to better understand the significance of Bluto & Kirk.

What the Queen failed to realize is that in Penguin Land, the Penguin citizens are blessed with a wacky and unique brand of humor...perhaps the Penguins will have to help her find her niche in this great place!

But what RICE CUBE failed to realize was that this was Holy Penguin Land.  Jesus Penguin accused Rice Cube of blaspheming, so the Mystic sentenced Rice Cube to life in prison with no parole.  Of course, he just happened to be paired up with the sexually frustrated Indy Gent.
And there was much rejoicing.  The penguins jumped up and down and sang "Hall-ay Hall-ay Hall-ay............ L0000000-YAH!"    Jesus Penguin accused them of having bad spelling and the Mystic sentenced them to school.  
Which wouldn't have been so bad except that Eddie of the school newspaper was the spelling teacher....

(Dang it! You guys won't get that.....oh well....)

But wait!  Santa Penguin has just arrived and is about to settle a score with Jesus Penguin!  Stan Penguin, Kyle Penguin, and Cartman Penguin were shocked and dismayed that Jesus Penguin and Santa Penguin, in their fierce combat, had killed their friend Kenny Penguin...

The Good Jew Jesus looked down and was sad that the Father had created the Chinese to be amused only by repeating scenes from crummy cartoons.

Meanwhile, Al Sharpton Penguin, Jesse Jackson Penguin and Al Roker Penguin (for whatever reason) joined forces with Johnnie Cochrane Penguin to protest the Queen's statements and make her take some sensitivity training.

Jackie Chan Penguin and Jet Li Penguin stood at the ready, ready to lead a pack of Bruce Lee Penguins into battle...

Without warning, Satan penguin pops out of nowhere with his minions and decides to battle with the so called Jesus penguin for control of the universe.

The Smoking Devil and his nicotine addicted minions informed Satan penguin that they are at his/her service...http://www.clicksmilie.de/sammlung/cool/cool014.gif

Meanwhile, Wombert snatched another baby penguin to feed to her cat, who was still growing quite rapidly.  Soon she would need to switch to seal pups, or perhaps walruses...

Thou penguins wouldst do well to remember from Volume One that the devil is none other than a certain Rob Schneider, which person consisteth of multiple animal parts, and chaseth his tale half the time, and therefore poseth no real threat to the more virtuous members of the penguin-dwelling.  

Moreover, the Mystic doth thank the Queen for her intervention in the story before Brian Boitano appeared on the scene and most certainly wouldst have turned the narration in a most undesirable and redundant direction.  However, the return of the never-ending, and irrelevant love-triangle hath stalled the motion of the story, and thus the purpose is defeated...

'cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do!

Meanwhile, Wombert was exploring an icy cave in search of the infamous Mr. Walrus...

But Mr. Wombert, while on his quest for the walrus, found 80s cheerleader, almost frozen, in the icy cave.  She said to him, in a way only a cheerleader can...

"Please tell the Queen that I apologize,
The previous thread is too long for my eyes...
I suppose, A new trek, I must begin
I will go to the land where all can fit in
A land so new, so fun, so free
Anyone who wants can come follow me
There are no rules, no points, no winner
Just penguins who enjoy a drink with their dinner"

With that, she did a line of backflips, out of the cave, to the "Land of Misfit Penguins"...

...And DJ followed, picking up a few pizzas and drinks on the way over to LOMP....

And Crazy Don, who never really figured in this story anyway, and was hit upon by a 70's cheerleader and had a niece who was a 90's cheerleader, gladly followed the 80's cheerleader to the Land of Misfit Penguins…

The Queen Approched the door of her castle and Saw ripp there, Dressed in fine silver velvet.
"Hello There," squeaked the queen, her being thoueth not as rich and beautiful as Ripp.
"Heretations," said Ripp, "heretations means Hello or good morn or fine day, is not? its a rich saying."
The queen trembled of who behind Ripp  :o :( ...

...was her sister the Mystic, come to send Ripp to the dark caves of Rob Schneider, for dissing this Scottish Queen.  Then the 3 sisters all thought of what they could do to 80s cheerleader for calling Wombert "Mr."  Surely it couldn't be the strange Indian, for he was not yet joined together with Wombert in holy matrimony.
Wombert pulled the mask off 80s cheerleader to reveal a very tall and very thin teacher from Fletcher, who thought himself to resemble Tom Cruise.  The Mystic sentenced him to the land of Rob Schneider for calling everyone (including females) "sir."

Then all 4 sisters sat back to watch TV.  
"I need to go on a diet," said the Queen.  Then CrazyRaccoonGurl turned on the TV, which displayed a commercial: "Do YOU need to go on a diet?"  
"How come my TV always knows what we're thinking?" asked the Mystic, since it was the one question she had no answer to.  
So she changed the channel.  Sadly, it was another commercial, with a very scary character from the previous story appeared.  And as a continuation of the Sy Greenblum joke:
"I'm speaking on......behalf......of Liberty......Medical..........Check your.......blood sugar.......Check it.....often."
The Mystic was horrified! This Russian was surely talking to HER!

"Nicht wieder," mumbleth the Mystic in a slightly heightened state of agitation, as she stalketh off to her chambers, and fumbleth about in the uncharacteristically unsightly clutter for her "trusty" blood-glucose moniter...

She pricked her finger.  Three drops of blood fell in the snow.  Yet her illegitimate daughter was the only one to survive: MysticofSingCratia #2  
She was madly in love with a German prince who went by the name of Nick Welder.  
However the Queen Bloody Mary was back, who asked her servant to take her heart.  "Oh that's disGUSTING!" the woodsman proclaimed.  
This caused all 4 sisters to stop for a moment and ponder whether or not they wanted yet ANOTHER family member in the story.............nah..............for brothers are no more and they surely would bring about dreaded tales of Lord of the Rings.

With Satan penguin and his follower penguins destroyed, (Who needs to know how? He is already a defeated foe ;)), the Mystic took a much needed powder.

Which helped her once again to overcome her hypoglycemia.  
Once her health was completely restored, she mocked the Queen for going on a diet, despite the Queen's most reasonable argument: "Better to be fat than flat!  ;D"
Hmm.....maybe that's why the Mystic never seemed to get a man.

Ripp Jumped inside and brought half of her WHOLE money savings for the Scots queen.
"Heres to being a good fellow person," said She.
"Heretations," said she.
The queen was offered 5 little Yhesters (little sweets to kill your worst enimies) and The queen of scots was  :o to see them.

What ho! (no not the Queen!  ;)) CrazyRaccoonGurl had come back from her incredibly LOOOONG vacation from the message board. The Raccoon chased the Queen around calling out fat jokes and made the Queen cry.  :'( BUT, all this running had made the queen lose 10 lbs.

"I'm SKINNY!!" the Queen yelled.

"Those are two words I never thought I'd hear out of her," the Raccoon thought.  ;D

Yes, but does this mean the Queen has to scrap her wardrobe, lest she have to go with the "baggy" look?  ;)

Not exactly, because now she could wear all those little baby tees again, which flattered both her chest AND stomach.

Meanwhile the Queen was getting SICK AND TIRED of having to explain that what seemed to be racial remarks made by herself and her sister, were merely just inside jokes that nobody was supposed to understand, lest the whole mysteriousness of it all be ruined.

The Queen was also confused about her country of origin, where she was Swedish, Norwegian, or Nazi, I mean Danish.  ;D

For the Queen "Mother" was Swedish.  But 'twas not wise to claim that side of the family.  However, she wouldn't mind being Norwegian, for it could mean that she was possibly related to the greatest classical composer of all time: Edvard Grieg
Nevertheless, she chose to stick with her Scottish heritage.

"Tha mi a' fuireach ann Alba!"

"I dunno", said Rice Cube. "Your mother sounds like she's trying to sneak some German into her Scottish".

Having admired IG's use of him as a ventriloquist's dummy, Rice Cube discovered he was in the wrong thread. :o

Quoting:


I love how Indy Gent is using me as a ventriloquist's dummy :D
End Quote

Crazy Don steps in for a moment to declare that he is part Scot since his mother had the maiden name of Kirk, which is Scottish for "church"…

Then Crazy Don spilled out that he alos had mixed Vulcan, Romulan, Cardassian, and Borg blood. That's when Captain Picard zapped him with his super-sized phaser. "Resistance was futile. That guy was a pychopath.", proclaimed Captain Picard.

Meanwhile the Queen came to explain that the quote in her former post was that of herself speaking Gaelic.
She also expressed her interest in the heritage of Crazy Don.  She certainly liked the name Kirk...for obvious reasons...  ;D
Bad news: Crazy Don thought Queen was making a pass at him
Good news: Captain Picard did away with him before he had a chance to do anything creepy

So the Queen was enjoying her daily walk, when she caught CrazyRaccoonGurl talking to a koala bear.  

The Queen wasn't too fond of the roots of Kirk, namely actress Sally Kirkland, the residence of Kirkersville, Ohio; and comic Steve Odekirk, the 'brains' behind the painfully unfunny "Kung Pow (Enter The Fist)".

So the Queen shouted 5 simples words before leaving the land of the Kirks,
"THAT'S A LOT OF NUTS!!!"

The Queen was all alone in the parlour of her palace when who should arrive but...Rusell Crowe? AGAIN? Ah...you shouldn't have...
Rusell Crowe offered the Queen a bouquet of roses.  (ahh....)
But then, naturally, Bluto walked up and offered the Queen a bouquet of wild flowers and some chocolates.
The Mystic, angry that she didn't get anything for Valentine's day, cast a spell.
Down, down, down wilted the flowers.  "Oh, no!" shouted RC. "What are we going to do?" Bluto tried to make things better by injecting viagra into the plants. Unfortunately for everybody, the viagra made things much worse...

Crazy Don wants QueenAmenRa to know that he is not making a pass at her or her three sisters; that Speedo Boy is Crazy Don's 13-year-old alter ego; and in reality, QueenAmenRa and her three sisters would more likely be daughters of Crazy Don since if he were to date her, he would be accused of robbing the cradle!  (Speedo Boy is a picture over 30 years old!)

Meanwhile, QueenAmenRa was awakening from the deep sleep she had fallen in while reading Crazy Don's post.
But soon her eyes widened, when she discovered that her whole palace was surrounded with flowers.  She thought it looked beautiful, until she saw Bluto lying on the floor, gasping for breath.  
"Curse these flowers!" shouted Russell Crowe.  "Instead of giving off oxygen, these plants are releasing viagra into the air....and Bluto is ALLERGIC!"
The Queen had to find a way to save him.  Would the Mystic even bother to help?   :'(

Much to the dismay of the wise and practical Mystic, Bluto was in no real danger, seeing that he is not resourceful enough to secure real viagra medications.  Instead, he hath managed to swipe a placebo being given to the control group in a study.  As soon as he cometh to his senses to realize his mistake, he shall be fine.

In the meantime, an older gentlemen, hearing of the mysteriously potent plants, approacheth the scene.  "I am Bob Dole, a spokesman for viagra; I am here to study the potential aid to humans from these plants."  However, the Mystic percieveth him to be an imposter, and with pleasure, announceth to him the bad news...  "I am sorry for your inconvenience sir, for you have surely come a long way; however, these plants do not contain the most desired and coveted drug. They will not help you."

"What? These AREN'T Viagra flowers?"

"In short...no."

"SON OF A B****!" exclaimeth Gilbert as he angrily removeth his pathetic disguise...

Then Bin Laden showed up and tried to discuss strategies with his son Gilbert.  
"TERRORISM?!!! I THOUGHT WE WERE INTO TOURISM!!!  SON OF A B*TCH!!!!

Fortunately, the Mystic was able to transform Gilbert into the parrot from Aladdin, and Bin Laden just went straight to h-e-double toothpicks.
And everyone else felt like the happiest person in life.
Except for the flowers, who were quite upset to find out that they had been tricked into believing that they were viagra plants.

The Queen then had "A Fellow Penguin" and Berana beheaded for trespassing on Palace grounds. Everyone just laughed. :D

ShellyGal was thrilled in her debasement of the beheaded guests, then went back to the Royal ballroom with Bluto and Kirk.

I thought Indy Gent was incarcerated with Rice Cube and the Raging Anteaters of Thor...? :D

We escaped, because they don't believe in the existance of Scandanavian Gods of Thunder. :P

Quoting:
I thought Indy Gent was incarcerated with Rice Cube and the Raging Anteaters of Thor...? :D
End Quote

When Freya, Loki and Woden heard of Indy and Rice's escape, they began to construct a sinister plot of revenge...

Zella, pay no attention to that man behind closed bars.  All you are hearing is the ramblings of a deranged incarcerated maniac.
Yet the Queen thanked him for his cruelty to A Fellow Penguin and Barana after they stuck their feet in their mouths.  Because although the thread was entitled "MY Story," it had nothing at all to do with the autobiography of the Queen. It was, in fact, a place for all to join in writing a story, full of wonderful and brilliant inside jokes from the Four Sisters.  Obviously, NOT something that could be accomplished by using a journal or diary.  (Allow her royal majesty to just say in her most retarded way......NEEEEEE!) So before the bodies of idiots were buried, the Queen cursed them with the name of "Juh-NEE-NUH" and left to go to the ball.
However she found there, ShellyGal dancing with her two most favorite men in the whole wide world.  Then he saw Kirk pick up his cell phone and dial a number.  Immediately, the Queen's phone began beeping to the tune of Scotland the Brave.  She answered her phone and....

sORRY qUEEN.LOVEYOU MUCH.

Moving on...

Quoting:

Meanwhile, all that Kirk had to say to the Queen in the previous phone call was "Ha ha!"
So she decided to make both Kirk and Bluto jealous by dancing with Rice Cube.
"Dangit!" she mumbled to herself.  "If only my sisters were here to rescue me and bring me a REAL man!"

End Quote

"But I am a real man!" said Rice Cube...and then his nose grew because he had lied.

::)

"Oh no you DIDN'T!" shouted the Queen.  Her three sisters just laughed because everyone knows how the Queen feels about big noses.  Her face turned red, her hands started to sweat and her body began to shake.  "OH MY GOD SHE'S HAVING A CEIZURE!" shouted Kirk.  He rushed to her side and saved her from almost certain concussion.  When she awoke he looked deep into her eyes and said "Just because his nose is bigger than mine doesn't mean I can't love you more..." (ahhhhhhhhhhh.........)
Poor Bluto, his nose wasn't big at all!  :-/

Ok guys and "nose" is NOT a replacement word for something naughty.  So don't even go there!  It's just a known fact that almost all the guys I fall for happen to have *distinctive* noses. :-*

Rice Cube just stood there with his elongated nose, wondering what the Queen was talking about...then he put a flag on his nose and semaphored a taxi boat so he could go cruising around Venice while the Queen recovered...

::)

Unfortunately, Rice Cube had gotten the Queen drunk before he left.  So she was rambling on and on in her okie accent:
"Dee-ihd ya seee that NAAHSS truCK he had? Ah done gotta get me one uh those.  And ah'm prroud tuh be a cheruhkeeeeee cuz ah done got a nose.........LOOOOOOOOOOOONG........neck bottles"  

Now look what happened? The Queen was making all her guests fat: they kept eating and eating in order to drown out the horrible hickish sound.  
But soft! What sound through yonder window breaks! (Billy, stop playing baseball in the Queen's courtyard!)
The sound was...

Raining men!  Hallelujah, it's raining men!  Amen!

:)

(Alex?  What are YOU doing here?)

Please excuse the Mystic for that one; she hath needed to get it out of her system for quite some time...

The Mystic sentenceth "Al" to spelling school, governed by none other than the relentless Queen, who hath broken many a thick ruler over the poor hand of a snivelling student who breaketh the "i before e..." rule...

Ah, unhappy are the souls of the departed "guests," who, even in death, heapeth upon themselves further ridicule, as they attempt to haunt the blissfully alive and healthy Penguins by spewing out weak insults in their cowardice.  (Have they not, after all, refrained from revealing their identities?)  

As for RC, the Mystic cautioneth him that his quirky poetry may provoke her to song, and all by now should know the fatal consequences of such an incident...

Although the spelling school was governed by the Queen AmenRa, it had only one teacher, who was the dreaded Eddei....excuse me....Eddie....of the newspaper.  "NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Al shouted! "THIS WILL BE THE MOST DISTURBING LEARNING EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE!" And that it was, especially since Eddie was known to be an abuser of the semi-colon....and things of that nature....

Meanwhile the Queen was very grateful that the message board editors had destroyed the stupid anonymous posts.
Yet, the Mystic could not control her urge to sing and to further mock the anonymous postees. (???) So she digged up their bodies and put on a puppet musical.  The "a fellow penguin" puppet began to sing to the other:
"You've been a fool.........and SO have I.........."

hello love

When we left our heroes, Al Pacino had just expressed his love for the queen, who mockingly said in a nasaly New York accent "You talkin' to me" ?

Snubbing the Queen, Al smuggles MystiCofSingcratia into the back of his yellow cab...

...and attempts to extract a fare out of her by non-traditional means...

...he is such a cad that he sets the meter running when he starts, but by the time he is almost at his zenith....

...The top of his convertible cab flies open, allowing the Donut Fairy to enter and dump six giant cinnamon donuts on him....pinning his arms....

...the cab goes out of control, spinning towards a cliff....

Al Pacino's eyes begin to bug out as he screams and stuggles against the donuts. At the same moment, MystiCofSingcratia has managed to pull her wits (and clothes) about her....

She realizes that the cliff they are speeding towards is only a billboard at the side of the road... advertising Cliff Richard!

Horrified at the thought of plunging cabfirst into the face of her one secret true love, she manages to grab the steering wheel and jerk the cab out of the path at the last minute!

MystiC has by now regained control of the cab.  Looking ahead, she sees DJMidas wanting to give her a fare (a fair what is the question...)

She pulls over, remembering his penchant for eating cake....

She points into the back of the cab and asks "Do you see anything in there you fancy ?"

DJM licks his lips and hungrily climbs into the back of the cab....

Soon, Al Pacino is heard to be screaming, and MystiC turns on the 'Not for Hire' sign....

At this moment the Queen strolls up, twiddling a ruler and mumbling "i before e...."

Seeing the spectacle before her, she proclaims (In her best Okie accent):

"Lait thahm eat cake donuts!"

DJM munches greedily on the donuts, until at last Al's arms are freed...

MystiC was seen to be kissing Cliff's face on the billboard  ::)

Trouble was brewing in the sisterhood....Not happy at being the queen's lady in waiting...CrazyRacoonGurl124 was getting antsy for a little action.... :P

She had been fantasising about the anteater, and it's magic powers ..... :P :P

How ignorant are the guests of the land of Penguins!!!

The "donut-girl" (and incidently, "Al" also...)hath mistaken Cate Blanchett for the Mystic, having noticed her signature pic...  As for AL, should the Queen have her way of justice, he shall probably suffer the same fate as IG for his heinous escapades...

The Mystic also suspecteth that two of our guests are in fact the same schizophrenic penguin, but should it not be the case...

"Peregrine" hath no other purpose in his visit than to lead the Teutonic crusaders against the pagan citizens of the land of Penguins.  The army marcheth across the glacier in chant:

"Peregrinus, expectavi, pedes meos in cymbalis!"

...

"Vincant arma crucifera! Hostis pererat!"

The normally pacifist penguins, not only out-numbered, but also out-armoured, have no choice but retreateth across the ice, with the crusaders in close pursuit.  Unfortunately, the invaders have made a critical error; not only is their armour too heavy for the ice to support, but, also, for them to climb out of the cold waters, once they have broken through.  So, the entire army drowneth, and the Penguins once again are safe.

And now, a fair maiden penguin searcheth among the fallen heros for her two suitors.  She hath expected that fate should claim one in battle, and leave the other for her to wed; she is somewhat surprised to find her plan foiled as she findeth them both alive and, well, somewhat well...

She was happy now that she would be wed to a handsome penguin.
But then the Queen fast-forwarded to the part where the penguin bells ring to the tune of "NAA-NAA-NAA-NAA-BOO-BOO!!!"    And she laughed...and laughed and laughed and laughed.
But THEN! What's this? The new edition with a surprise ending? Oh dear! What is happening to the penguins?...

Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird...it's a plane...*splat* No, it's a bird...

But, this is no ordinary bird. THIS....is a chicken.

A three-legged chicken at that.

"FOOD!! ALRIGHT!!" The guests of the story ran around after it, unaware that no one has ever caught a three-legged chicken. So on they ran, and were thus never heard from again.

And there was much rejoicing.

Meanwhile, CrazyRaccoonGurl re-entered the story for a warm welcome from her loving sisters.

Then the 4 sisters joined together in a extremely long conversation on how to rid the sacred story of annoying, unwanted posts.

"We've got to DO something!" the Queen cried. "Weeeoo weeoo weeoo!"

"Don't worry!" a familiar voice cried. "I'll save you!"

Of course this could only be...

A very unusual elementary music teacher.  Oh, but thist was no ORDINARY music teacher.  She looked a little something like this:  8)
She made the children sing a song called "Buzz Buzz Buzz"
She made the children write a song.
OH! Little did everyone know what this would bring about....

Meriodoc, having caught at last the 3 legged chicken, and pronouncing it delectible (though not at all as palatable as KFC), offers some to Peregrine, and ponders MystiC's musings.

"As to her suspicions," pondereth Merry, "methinks there is almost a grain of truth in it, although not in the way she suspecteth!" :D

Racked with regret at receiving no renumeration for helping to halt the salacious schemes of the schlemiel Al Pacino, Merry munches merrily and muses on the wicked ways of the world and the atrocious absence of alliteration in it...

The Queen winced at the wicked ways of the unwise Meriadoc, whom she suspected used the sucky pseudonym DJMidas.
Meanwhile, the music teacher, also known as the Young Mystic, became galactically famous for her song, "Santa Claus is Dying." Actually, the idea originated with the great Queen, but she forgot to patent it.  :-/   Oops.

Peregrine read the last few posts and chuckled at the inept attempts of the Queen and her haughty cohorts to point the bone at various members of the board.

And laughed and laughed  8)

http://www.emotipad.com/emoticons/Southpark.gif
"ON YOU ALL, ESPECIALLY QUEENIE!!" sayeth KING KYLE!!!

Suddenly bowled over by a noxious odor, Merry was unable to finish his 3-legged chicken dinner... "Pippin," said he, "I know you are on intimate terms with the Queen. Please ask her to remove that offensive lurker at once! Off with his head!"

"And while you are at it, see if you can beg some clemacy for poor Indy and Rice, lest they continue to linger in undignified squalor...." :'(

"Go to her Pippin! Woo her! For I know that she will succumb to your manly charms and grant your every request...."

But when Pippin rudely entered the Queen's he found her with, once again, Bluto and Kirk, and it was not a pretty sight.  Bluto and Kirk were trying to comfot the Queen, as she was crying hysterically: partly because she repeatedly, yet accidentally, crushed bald men's skulls with a ping pong ball, but mostly because she could no longer fill her favorite alligator skin bra because she had been dieting and exercising.
Naturally, Bluto just stood there with his am around the Queen, while Kirk did all the talking.  "...this is all for the best.  Can't u C, Queen?"  
I guess that wasn't exactly the best word choice, for the Queen burst into even more tears and shouted "NO! NO! I CAN'T C! NOT ANYMORE!"

Well Pippin interrupted the conversation to beg the Queen to remove certain people who find too much humor in passing gas.
He also asked very nicely if he could have the Queen's bra, since he was in great need of one for himself.

"*sniff* Ok....," the Queen sobbed.  "Just let me feel it...one last time..."  :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

Meanwhile, Rice Cube was watching this from his magical spaceship orbiting the Earth over the Queen's domain, in his favorite La-Z-Boy and eating popcorn...

...thinking that he could fool the Queen.  For when she looked up at the skies, she saw his spaceship and became very angry. ( >:( )
So she took another of her bras that she could no longer use, and she used an even larger bra to sling-shoot it up to him, for she could clearly see that he desperately needed one as well...
(And if she had already given one to him in disguise, he certainly needed more)

Rice Cube snagged up the bras the Queen was tossing up into the skies, and rigged them such that he could shoot rocks at the mutant death lizards that were trying to invade Earth from their native planet of Zargon V...

But then the lizards tried to sell Rice Cube some auto insurance, and he woke up screaming.
"MOMMY! MOMMY!"
The Mystic entered, and said "Thou must go back to sleep, for thou hast been watching far too many movies of the outer space realm"
"But...but...but...YOU'RE not my mommy...."
The Mystic sighed. "Yes I KNOW that.  But your MOTHER got just dumped you into my crystal cave and I'm just being nice enough to look after you........BUT NOT FOR LONG! SOON YOU SHALL GO INTO THE DARK DREADED CAVE OF COKER!"
"Oh, NONONONONOOOOOOOO!" shouted Rice Cube. But it was too late....
Meanwhile, the Queen looked down at her shirt, and was very glad that it had all been only a dream...

It seemed that the Queen had been dreaming in multiple dreamscapes, for from her prose it seemed that she could not keep track of who was dreaming what...or for that matter, was she even dreaming?  

No!  It was no dream, for the mutant death lizards were trying to break through Rice Cube's defensive bra-shields and bra-cannons!  They were firing some kind of dream-ray into the atmosphere, causing the citizens below to believe that they were not under attack, despite the fact that, miles above, a battle of mammoth proportions was being fought to determine the fate of humanity...

The Queen laughed and laughed.  She was not dreaming at all. Not now.  She laughed because she had not killed any bald men after all.  She laughed because she could keep her favorite bra.  But she laughed mostly because Rice Cube was all alone in the dark....with Sir Coker. (OH NO NOT AGAIN!)
Rice Cube heard the strange man(?) sniffling. Soon Sir Coker started to speak. He got a little choked up as he asked, "You know how....sometimes....you're all alone...in the dark...with another person...and you can't see them...but you can tell what their facial expression is...or at least *sniff*...what they're doing...like if they're crying or *sniff* laughing...you know what I mean?..."

DANGIT RICE CUBE!

But that was not Rice Cube...it was a Rice Cube android, sent down by Rice Cube to all corners of the Earth to protect its citizens from invading alien forces.  This particular android, Rice938745, would help Sir Coker regain his faculties...and Sir Coker would don his battle armor and decapitate mutant death lizards by the dozens as he helped the Rice Cube androids save the planet...until next time....

And it hath appeared that, no doubt, the Queen may have vanquished the entire land of penguins through her long-winded and harsh monologue; but suddenly a voice from an ambiguous source was heard that sayeth:

"No, Queen..."

"Aw MOM!"

NO, QUEEN!"

"BUT MA! I was WINNING!  I WAS!"

"It is time for you to come back home, and stop harrassing these poor, inferior penguins with such brutal dialogue!"

"But MOM! IT'S NOT FAIR! NOT FAIR! I WOULD HAVE WON!!!"

And with that, the Queen Mum scoldeth her ward, and banisheth her to her room, for, oh say, about an hour or so...

Thus the penguins are temporarily spared the frightening rantings of the delirious Queen of Scots.

However, with the Queen Mum's health rapidly failing, and her awareness waning, it is unlikely she may hold the hyperactive Queen for long...

Beware, penguins; things can only get worse...MUCH worse...

As the Mystic finished her rant in Ye Olde English and the Queen had been sent to bed, Rice Cube labored feverishly to develop a new defense system for Planet Earth, complete with electromagnetic shielding and pulse cannons to destroy and deter future invasions from hostile aliens...but he always kept the hope that one day, aliens that visit Earth would not want to enslave its citizens, but would come as friends.

Meanwhile, as Rice Cube continued her sci-fi dreams (HA!), the Queen opened her window to let in one of her suitors...Bluto...

Who was actually a mutant death lizard!  Reflexes quick as a cat, Rice Cube tore off his drag costume (which confused the Queen into thinking he was a chick) and revealed his He-Man garb, wherein he proceeded to sever the lizard's legs and decapitate it before it could strike at the Queen.  Thankfully, Rice Cube had a prototype force shield to prevent the blood from splattering all over the place.

The Queen sobbed and sobbed. Here she'd had the PERFECT opportunity, and here Rice Cube ruined it with his stupid lizard hallucinations.  
The Queen sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.  But she felt the Mystic's presence nearby, and implored her to bring Bluto back from her eternal bands, and to send Rice Cube back to the Cave of Coker.

His mission complete, the Queen safe, and the planet in good hands, Rice Cube beamed back to his spaceship, not to return until called again....

(Thank God! For he had just interrupted the Mystic's turn to write)

The Mystic would not wish banishment to the dreaded cave on anyone...(except, maybe, Rob Schneider...)

And, the Mystic will NOT release "Bluto" from eternal bands, for he is no more than a wild rogue whose intentions are few and unhonorable.  The Queen shall not spend any more of her attention on such an unruly chap...there are more favorable conquests to pursue...

Dagwood sneaks in and releases Bluto.  What the Queen doesn't know is that Bluto is using her to gain control of the country...when control is won Dagwood and Bluto will marry and be King and Queen of all the earth....

Rice Cube circles overhead in his spaceship, looking down upon Dagwood and Bluto (the real one, not the mutant death lizard) to make sure they do not abuse the powers of the throne once they are, uh, in power ::)

But for now, all is at peace...so Rice Cube circles around Neptune and Pluto for some sightseeing...

The Queen thanked Dagwood for bringing her beloved Bluto back to life.  Then Kirk came along.
Dagwood took just one look at Kirk and said, " :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o He's...he's...he's PERFECT.....no....he's more than perfect....he's...he's...he's ADEQUATE!"  
Kirk had not only the good looks, but also the good humor and the cleverness to go with it.  Before parting with the Queen he comforted her by saying, "It's for the best. I mean, really, you don't want HIM to rule the world do you? He probably doesn't even know how to find his own country..."
"Yes, I guess so," said the Queen, with tears in her eyes. ( :'( )
So Kirk left with Dagwood.  They united and became better known as "Kirkwood."
Meanwhile the Queen hooked up with the dumb, yet extremely sexy, Bluto...

...but this Bluto seemed to be fake...why it's Ben Affleck!  And here comes Jennifer Lopez to steal him back and yell at him for infidelity!  What a great photo opportunity!

But will the Queen ever find her true Bluto?  For he is being imprisoned deep in the caves of Mount Doom...

Matt Damon just stood their dejected, knowing that J. Lo stole his best friend. "No 'Good Will Hunting 2' for you, Afflac", and turned into a bitter duck.

As Dagwood and Kirk stood laughing...you see they knew where Bluto was and that he was no longer a prisoner. He had been deprogramed and was now a normal person intent on helping to overthrow the throne.  muahahahaha

That's when the ambiguously gay duo of Adam West and Burt Ward swung in from the rafters (actually the camera was turned sideways in a neat trick of camera trickery ::)) and knocked Bluto on his back, saving the Queen yet again.  When would she learn that brutes like Bluto were not to be her suitor?

Burt Ward laid on top of Bluto as to hold him down.  It was cold so Burt was shivering...

or was it the cold???

Trying to steer the story away from homoerotica, the good Hobbit Samwise met up with Merry and Pippin and their friend Treebeard, who had just used a rather large boulder as a bowling ball to knock down the pillars around Orthanc...perhaps later they will have a wee picnic with some elven bread and pipeweed ;)

Of course, the Hobbits got a little bit fat and stoned, and accidentally tipped over a candlestick and set their surroundings ablaze...thank goodness our fearless firefighters were around to douse them with water and fire foam!

Unfortunately, the blaze badly singed the Queen's wonderbra which Pippin had been proudly wearing as a badge of favor over his elvenmail.

"I told you" quipped Merry, "that it should have gone under the mail. I shudder to think of the Queen's displeasure...! :o  This is another fine mess you've gotten us into! You will end up in maximum security with the sex-starved Rice Cube and Indy Gent, and the ravenous donut-crunching DJ Midas, and then you will expect me to rescue you as always....." :P