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Subject: Some Thoughts on 70s Television

Written By: Tia on 03/21/08 at 3:52 pm

from mike nelson...

wow, i'd totally forgotten about romper room.

http://tesla.liketelevision.com/liketelevision/images/lowrez/romperroom.jpg

i googled "romper room" with safe search on and the second page: spreadeagled woman with a naked ass. :o one for the kids!

***

My Real Parents

Though everything's pretty much been a blur since that vicious bombardment game back in second grade, as near as I can make out through the ringing in my head, television has had a profound influence on my life. I'm unusually susceptible to the medium and from the very beginning, I've soaked it all in too readily, until I'm like a sponge, sopping wet with The Beverly Hillbillies, Kojak, and Gilligan. (That's as disgusting an image as there's going to be in this column, I promise.)

For many, Romper Room was a calming educational program, a soothing balm. For me it was like generic menthol balm rubbed directly onto my eyeballs. I found it to be nothing more than a terrifying nightmare of unchecked romping! Dozens of preschoolers, wired to the gills from all the sugary on-set snacks, running, screaming, throwing erasers and spitballs - in short, romping to beat the band. The teacher "in charge" of all this higgledy-piggeldy romping was Miss Nancy, a woman clearly on the edge of sanity. So desperate was she to get control that she introduced something called the Do Bee, I suppose to mellow the kids out, perhaps induce "the munchies", anything to stop the horrible romping. The Do Bee advised children, "Don't be a Don't Bee-Do be a Do Bee" (Who knows how many misguided children got it wrong and tried to be a Doobie Brother, only to be beat out by keyboardist Michael McDonald, or that guitar player who looks like Animal from the Muppet show?)

One day, horribly, Miss Nancy snapped and insisted that by looking through the frame of a large busted mirror, which she called her "magic mirror" (I know, it's sad), she could "see" the children at home. I for one did not want to be seen by Miss Nancy, knowing as I did that she was very likely insane and in command of several 3-foot long bees.

When a person is scarred by early romping-related trauma, like I was, doctors generally recommend the patient stay away from shows featuring gigantic furry mascots wearing sunglasses, ties and red "Kaiser" helmets. Unfortunately, I didn't know that at the time and so I took in many hours of The Banana Splits before more damage was done. Fleegle, Droopy, Bingo and Snorky were ostensibly a rock band, and they attempted to prove it by driving around in go-carts singing "Tra la la, la la la la. Tra la la, la la la la la," 1400 times in a row until you were powerless to disagree. I suppose kids were either expected to laugh and sing along, or begin screaming "Make it stop, for the love of all that is good and decent. I appeal to you, large elephant, and you groovy lion! Stop the horrible 'Tra-la-ing' and give me back my life." Because of them, I must now avoid Chuck E. Cheese restaurants lest I leap on stage and begin viciously beating the 8-foot animatronic rat.

And I might have been okay had Lee Majors starred in a 70s TV show called simply The Man. Or had they given him what he's worth and made it The Thirty-Seven Dollar and Fifty Cent Man. Unfortunately, some government agency overpaid by more than 5.9 million for him and I ended up wasting many hours on The Six Million Dollar Man, hoping that perhaps someday I could be lucky enough to have all my limbs sawed off and replaced with noisy robotics so that I could run around in a coordinated sweat suit beating up petty criminals. When it was clear that no government agency was going to do that for me, I latched on to The Incredible Hulk, now wishing that I could turn into a gigantic, thick-tongued brute with matted green hair and torn pants. (It took a number of years, but my dream did come true, at a college St. Patrick's Day party. I crashed into a table of seniors playing quarters with glasses of Special Export that had been dyed green. I wasn't any stronger or anything, in fact I barely got out alive - but I was shirtless, green and incoherent, and, man, was my hair matted!)

Luckily, I was able to tear myself away from such fantastical shows (okay, they got cancelled), take stock of myself and get down to the business of ignoring my schoolwork while watching The Dukes of Hazzard. Given my susceptibility, if Miami Vice hadn't come along and set me right in terms of fashion - I'm wearing powder blue espadrilles as I write this - I might have ended up like Boss Hogg, donning a white suit and a ten gallon Stetson, munching on a cheap cigar. I'd look like Tom Wolfe at a rodeo, and that'd do no one any good.

I'm older now, and obviously not still so impressionable as to believe that Ross, Joey, Rachel and the gang are my actual friends; they've ignored me every time I've invited them over for tacos. And I know I can't just waltz onto the deck of the Enterprise; I have to impress Captain Scott Bakula enough to earn my way on, by defeating tribbles or beating up mascots, whatever it takes. After all, I own all those Starfleet uniforms, might was well get some use out of them.


Subject: Re: Some Thoughts on 70s Television

Written By: Davester on 03/21/08 at 4:55 pm


  Beautiful..!

  "Make it stop, for the love of all that is good and decent. I appeal to you, large elephant, and you groovy lion! Stop the horrible 'Tra-la-ing' and give me back my life."

  BTW Tia, who is Mike Nelson..?


 

Subject: Re: Some Thoughts on 70s Television

Written By: Tia on 03/21/08 at 5:56 pm


  Beautiful..!

  "Make it stop, for the love of all that is good and decent. I appeal to you, large elephant, and you groovy lion! Stop the horrible 'Tra-la-ing' and give me back my life."

  BTW Tia, who is Mike Nelson..?


 
head writer for mystery science theater 3000. he does a lot of independent comedy writing now, which i love.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=laQO4cOhVRY

i'm hoping to hook him up with kim richards and they can adopt me. and no, that's not at all weird.

Subject: Re: Some Thoughts on 70s Television

Written By: gemini on 03/21/08 at 6:11 pm

Very funny stuff! I can relate!  ;D 

"I always do everything right.
I never do anything wrong.
I'm a Romper Room Do Bee
A Do Bee all day long!"

Subject: Re: Some Thoughts on 70s Television

Written By: Davester on 03/21/08 at 6:27 pm


head writer for mystery science theater 3000. he does a lot of independent comedy writing now, which i love.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=laQO4cOhVRY

i'm hoping to hook him up with kim richards and they can adopt me. and no, that's not at all weird.


    ;D


Very funny stuff! I can relate!  ;D 

"I always do everything right.
I never do anything wrong.
I'm a Romper Room Do Bee
A Do Bee all day long!"


  There's nothin' like a good doo bee...

Subject: Re: Some Thoughts on 70s Television

Written By: snozberries on 03/22/08 at 12:44 pm



I admit it... I'm one of the mindless pre-schoolers who was glued to the TV...and totally disappointed because Miss Nancy never mentioned my name.  To this day I think that's why I feel the need to be included in things... I always get a tingle when someone remembers to mention me and very disappointed when I'm not....

I HATE YOU MISS NANCY YOU RUINED MY LIFE!  :\'(

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