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Subject: Love, 80s Style

Written By: MDC on 7/17/2001 at 8:38 a.m.

I found this hilarious (if not a tad long) tidbit my surfing the Internet. I got a good laugh out of it, despite the general misogynistic tone, and I thought you guys might enjoy it as well...
                           80's Style Love Story

I was working part time in a five and dime.  My boss was Mr. Magee.  He was
six foot four and full of muscles and walked like an Egyptian, but I was
happy to be stuck with him.  One manic Monday, while I was busy working for
the weekend, I overheard him make a careless whisper.

He told two of my co-workers, Jack and Diane, that I gave love a bad name.
Well, I got so emotional, baby.  I told him to say say say what he wants,
but don't play games with my heart.  He told me it was hard for him to say
he's sorry and not to worry, to be happy.  Then he blamed it on the rain.
He was so out of touch.  It just took my breath away.  I couldn't fight this
feeling any longer.  I asked him, "What's love got to do with it!
?"  He told
me to get outta his store and his dreams and into my car.

So I figured I might as well jump.  I cut footloose, went home and called my
girl, Jenny. (You already know the number)  She was on the other line with
Amanda.  They were talking about Mickey and how he was so fine.  That blew
my mind!  Was she really going out with him?  I told her that I had just
called to say I love her.  She told me she had been saving all her love for
me, but now she was looking for a new love - hasta la vista, baby.  I
thought "I can't go for that - no can do!  Bring me a higher love!"

I called up some of my old west end girls, hoping that one of them would
want to get physical all night long (all night).  First I called Billie
Jean - she told me to beat it.  I called Rosanna - her sister Christian
blessed the rains down in Africa and then hung up on me.  Come on, Eileen!

..no answer.  Nobody told me there'd be days like these!  I was feeling
like the owner of a lonely heart.  Then, out of the blue, my best friend's
girlfriend (she used to be mine) Roxanne calls.  Yes, the real Roxanne.  She
told me she still hadn't found what she's looking for and that she wanted to
take on me.  I said, "I thought you were Jessie's girl."

She said, "Don't you want me?  You don't have to put on the red light - I'm
on my own."  What a feeling!  I had the eye of the tiger.  Who was I
f-f-f-foolin?  Roxanne drove me crazy like no one else.  She's a beauty!

She blinded me with science, and weird science at that.  There was always
something there to remind me of her and I just knew that I'd have the time
of my life.  I wasn't about to la-di-da-di.  I jumped in my little red
Corvette and rocked down to Electric Avenue.  I got my mind set on her. When I got to her house (in the middle of her street) I ran.  I rapped on
her front door and to this rapper's delight, I heard a voice say, "Who can
it be now?"  "Here I am, the one that you love," I replied.  I let my love
open the door and was immediately lost in her eyes.

I felt like a virgin touched for the very first time.  She loosened her
blouse and said "Rock me Amadeus!"  Well, I felt it was my prerogative to
bust a move.  I told her, "I'll tumble for ya!" as I pinned her on the
stairs, hungry like the wolf.  Just then I felt an invisible touch on my

"Turn around bright eyes!" said a familiar voice.  As I did, Jessie hit me
with a sledgehammer of an uppercut that spun me right round like a record.
He was hangin' tough and continued to roll with it, knocking the wind from
beneath my wings -broken wings by this time.  He rocked me tonight, for old
time's sake, beat!
ing me from head to toe, until my true colors were black
and blue and blood was spilling from my mouth like red, red wine. "You don't
owe me money for nothing!" he snarled.  At this point I was livin' on a
prayer.  I crawled back to my little red Corvette and drove home thinking
about how my tainted love had cut like a knife - how it seems that every
rose, truly, has its thorn.  No longer do I want to know what love is.  Love

Subject: Re: Love, 80s Style

Written By: Wicked Lester on 7/17/2001 at 5:30 p.m.

Good stuff! I've seen something similar before, but not this one.