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Subject: Lord of the Rings Diary........

Written By: Gis on 03/06/03 at 07:56 a.m.


Day One:
Ringwraiths killed: 4. V. good.
Met up with Hobbits. Walked forty miles. Skinned a squirrel and ate it.
Still not King.

Day Four:
Stuck on mountain with Hobbits. Boromir really annoying.
Not King yet.

Day Six:
Orcs killed: none. Disappointing. Stubble update: I look rugged and manly.
Keep wanting to drop-kick Gimli. Holding myself back.
Still not King.

Day Ten:
Sorry no entries lately. V. dark in Mines of Moria. Big Balrog.
Not King today either.

Day Eleven:
Orcs killed: 7. V. good. Stubble update: Looking mangy.
Legolas may be hotter than me.
I wonder if he would like me if I was King?

Day 28:
Beginning to find Frodo disturbingly attractive. Have a feeling if I make a
move, Sam would kill me. Also, hairy feet kind of a turn-off.
Still not King.

Day 30:
In Lothlorien. Think Galadriel was hitting on me. Saucy wench.
Nice chat with Boromir. He's not so bad.
Took a shower. Yay!
But still not King.

Day 32:
Orcs killed: none. Stubble update: subtly hairy.

Legolas told me that a shadow and a threat had been growing in his mind.
I think Legolas might be kinda gay.

Nope, not King.

Day 33:
Orcs killed: Countless thousands. V. good.

Boromir killed by Orcs. Bummer. Though he died bravely in my arms, am now
quite sure that he was very definitely gay.
Not so sure about Gimli either.
RIP Boromir.
Still not King, but at least Boromir seemed to think I was. Might however
have been blood loss.

Day 34:
Frodo went to Mordor. Said he was going alone, but took Sam with him. Why?

My God, is everyone in this movie gay but me?

Not so sure about me either.

Still not King, goddammit.


Day One:
Went to Council of Elrond. Was prettiest person there. Agreed to follow some
tiny little man to Mordor to throw ring into volcano. Very important mission
- gold ring so tacky.

Day Four:
Boromir so irritating. Why must he wear big shield like dinner plate all the
time? Climbed up Caradhras but wimpy humans who cannot walk on snow insisted
we climb back down.

Am definitely prettiest member of the Fellowship. Go me!

Day Six:
Far too dark in Mines of Moria to brush hair properly. Am very afraid I am
developing a tangle.

Orcs so silly.

Still the prettiest.

Day Ten:
Gandalf fell into shadow. In other news, I think I am developing a spot on
my nose. V. serious situation, as Elven spots likely to last for 500 years
or more.

Still prettiest, despite blasted spot.

Day Eleven:
In Lothlorien. Suspect Galadriel may be prettier than me.

Also, am quite sure she copied my hairstyle. I was wearing that same look at
least 1,000 years ago. Silly bint. She was most annoyed that I used her
mirrored fountain to take a nice bubble bath.

I choose to ignore her claim that my hair clogged her drain. Not one strand
of my hair has fallen out in 800 years, why would it start now?

Still prettiest by far.

Day 30:
All this paddling about in boats is hell on my complexion.

Aragorn obviously starting to find Frodo strangely attractive. Sam will kill
him if he tries anything.

Still the prettiest.

Day 33 :
Boromir tempted by Ring. So tedious. Cannot be tempted myself, as already
have everything I want i.e. perfect hair and a butt like granite.

Day 35:
Boromir dead. Very messy death, most uncessary. Did get kissed by Aragorn
as he expired. Does a guy have to get shot full of arrows around here to get
any action? Boromir definitely not prettier than me. Cannot understand it.
Am feeling a pout coming on.

Frodo off to Mordor with Sam. Tiny little men caring about each other,
rather cute really.

Am quite sure Gimli fancies me. So unfair. He is waist height, so can see
advantages there, but chunky braids and big helmet most offputting. Forsee
dark times ahead, very dark times.

The Very Secret Diary of Boromir of Gondor

Day One:
Went to Council of Elrond. Aragorn acting all superior as usual. He thinks
he's so great because he's shagging that bit of elf crumpet on the side. I
mean just because someone has a broad chest, firm, defined muscles, an
outdoorsy tan and loads of manly stubble doesn't mean that....what? Got
distracted there for a bit.

Seem to have agreed to go on some sort of mission while distracted by
Aragorn's enormous...rudeness.


Day Three
Stupid Ring, stupid Quest, stupid Fellowship.

Day Four
Frodo dropped Ring today. Picked it up, but Aragorn made me give it back.
Arrogant bastard. Wonder how he'd feel with Horn of Gondor shoved right up

Stupid Ring.

Day Five:
Is obvious that Aragorn is strangely attracted to Frodo.

Ha Ha! Ha!

Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

Day Six:
Aragorn still into Frodo. "Boromir, give the Ring back to Froooodoo."
"Boromir, let *me* carry Frodo up Caradhras." "Boromir, quit trying to cut
off Frodo's head while he's asleep so you can get at the Ring."

Blatant favoritism most annoying.

Day Ten:
Why isn't Aragorn into me ?

Day Eleven:
Carried Frodo out of Mines of Moria.

Kind of liked it, actually.

Hope am not turning into pervy hobbit-fancier like Uncle Windermir. Not
after what happened to *him.* Merry and Pippin are cute little things,

In other news, Gandalf died.

Day 30:
In Lothlorien. Galadriel quite a babe. Feel sure she was attracted to my
rugged yet unwashed manliness.

Legolas took a bath in her fountain. Got in trouble. Ha. Ha. Big elfy git.
Am quite sure he dyes his hair. Also, he has spot on his nose.

Aragorn suggested we take baths as well. Only realized in nick of time he
did not mean with each other.

Stupid Aragorn.

Day 33 :
Frodo being all weird about the Ring. Won't even let me look at it. Must
admit I had a bit of a tussle with him trying to get a gander at it. Rolled
around on him till he went invisible. Resisted urge to have a little cuddle
(made easier when he punched me in the face.)

Aragorn would be jealous. Ha!

Day 35:
Killed by orcs.

Stupid orcs.

Subject: Re: Lord of the Rings Diary........

Written By: shazzaah on 03/06/03 at 08:05 a.m.

I love that these are in the style of Bridgette Jones Diary. This was absolutely hilarious. Thanks Gis! ;D

Subject: Re: Lord of the Rings Diary........

Written By: kimmers on 03/06/03 at 09:51 a.m.

I haven't laughed like that in quite some time.  Thanks!! :D

Subject: Re: Lord of the Rings Diary........

Written By: John_Harvey on 03/06/03 at 04:04 p.m.

Did you find this someplace or did you make it up yourself? It's very funny! I went to a website that had Sauroman's secret diary. I'm just curious if this is the same kind of deal.

Subject: Re: Lord of the Rings Diary........

Written By: Goreripper on 03/06/03 at 11:02 p.m.

Yeah, that site is great!


Subject: Re: Lord of the Rings Diary........

Written By: Gis on 03/07/03 at 03:35 a.m.

I cannot tell a lie, I was sent it by my best friend who is a huge fan.Whether she got it from somewhere or made it up herself I don't know I must ask her............