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Subject: Wanted:  Animal Jokes

Written By: Mrs._Race on 03/31/03 at 05:12 p.m.

HI Everyone,

I am a huge fan of animal jokes.  Race submitted a really funny one yesterday and I was hoping that you might know a few.  Please post.  My personal favourite is:

I horse walkes into a bar.  Sits up at the stool.  The bartending comes over and asks' "Why the long face?"

Please share!

Subject: Re: Wanted: †Animal Jokes

Written By: Emergency_Cube on 03/31/03 at 05:19 p.m.

My favorite one:

A koala bear decides he needs to have a change of scenery from his native Australia, so he plans a trip to America.  While in New York City, he chances upon a rather attractive woman.  They hit it off and soon they're in a hotel room, doing their thing.  The woman notices that the koala bear is especially good at the "down under" stuff.  After the koala bear has done his thing, he starts to leave.  The woman is astonished, and says, "Wait, aren't you going to pay me?"  The koala bear says, "Why would I pay you?"  The woman says, "Because I'm a prostitute!"  to which the koala bear replies, "What is a prostitute?"

This is where the joke takes a twist, because in this particular hotel, instead of Gideon Bibles, they have dictionaries.  So the koala bear looks up the definition and sees:

prostitute -- n.  woman who has sex for money

He puts on a sad koala bear face, and says, "Sorry, I don't have any money, I'm just a koala bear" and leaves the room.

The prostitute, not knowing what a koala bear is, looks it up and sees:

koala bear -- n.  eats bush and leaves

:D

Subject: Re: Wanted: †Animal Jokes

Written By: resinchaser on 03/31/03 at 05:49 p.m.

A Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a great looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."

So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."

The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."

Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone......cheese mine."

Subject: Re: Wanted: †Animal Jokes

Written By: princessofpop on 03/31/03 at 07:25 p.m.

A blonde and her boyfriend were walking along the beach. Suddenly, the boyfriend says, "Aww, honey, look at the dead birdie."
The blonde looks up at the sky and says, "Where?!"

OK, not technically an "animal" joke, but that's all I got! †::)

Subject: Re: Wanted: †Animal Jokes

Written By: Davester on 03/31/03 at 09:21 p.m.

  A grasshopper walks into a bar.  The bartender looks up and say's, "Hey, I have a drink named after you..!"
 The grasshopper replies, "You have a drink named Bob?"

  Well, not realy an animal.... :-[

Subject: Re: Wanted: †Animal Jokes

Written By: Mrs._Race on 04/02/03 at 05:47 p.m.

Thank you  everyone!  I loved them!

Subject: Re: Wanted: †Animal Jokes

Written By: Gis on 04/03/03 at 01:30 a.m.


Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us
every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is
difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be
with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that
you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or
childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you
are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves." And God created a
new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve
and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom
and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, "No
problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my
love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will
call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and
wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said,
"Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride.  They strut and preen
like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed
taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
       
And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be
with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will
remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not
always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not
obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded
that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased. And Dog was happy.


And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.  
       








Subject: Re: Wanted: †Animal Jokes

Written By: Gis on 04/03/03 at 01:34 a.m.

> Mr. Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only his pet dog
for company. Well, one day the dog died, so Muldoon went to the parish
priest and asked,

"Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor
creature?"

To this Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not me lad; we cannot have
services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the
lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something
for the creature."

Sadly, Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya'  think $5,000 is
enough to donate to them for the service?"

>"Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! me lad," Father Patrick exclaimed, "Why
didn`t ya' TELL me the dog was Catholic?"

Subject: Re: Wanted: †Animal Jokes

Written By: karen (Guest) on 04/03/03 at 02:53 a.m.

Humph  >:( so far the only two animal jokes I can think of have already been told.  Not exactly the same but similar enough.

I know Emergency's joke as a Panda who 'eats shoots and leaves'

I'll give it some more thought

Subject: Re: Wanted:  Animal Jokes

Written By: philbo_baggins on 04/03/03 at 03:35 a.m.

A rabbit and a bear are having a s**t in the woods (thus proving the old saying, "Do the bears" etc).  

The bear turns to the rabbit and says "Do you find that the s**t sticks to your fur?", to which the rabbit replies:

"Yeah, maybe a little.  But you soon get used to it"

So the bear picks the rabbit up, and wipes his a**e with it.

Subject: Re: Wanted: †Animal Jokes

Written By: princessofpop on 04/03/03 at 05:40 a.m.

How do you catch a runaway dog ?
Hide behind a tree and make a noise like a bone !

What dog loves to take bubble baths ?
A shampoodle !

What kind of dog does a vampire prefer ?
Any kind of bloodhound !

What dogs are best for sending telegrams ?
Wire haired terriers !!

What do you call a happy Lassie ?
A jolly collie !

What do you call a nutty dog in Australia ?
A dingo-ling !

What kind of dog sniffs out new flowers ?
A bud hound !

Why didn't the dog speak to his foot ?
Because it's not polite to talk back to your paw !

What is the dogs favourite city ?
New Yorkie !

Who is the dogs favourite comedian ?
Growlcho Marx !

Subject: Re: Wanted: †Animal Jokes

Written By: Emergency_Cube on 04/03/03 at 09:36 a.m.


Quoting:

I know Emergency's joke as a Panda who 'eats shoots and leaves'

End Quote



That's even better!  :D

Subject: Re: Wanted:  Animal Jokes

Written By: Wicked Lester on 04/03/03 at 09:54 a.m.

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and terrible vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude. He was constantly saying polite words and playing soft music, he did anything he could think of. Nothing worked. When he yelled at the bird, the bird got worse. If he shook the bird, the bird got madder and ruder. Finally in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then suddenly, there was quiet.

David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions, so I ask for your forgiveness. I will try to correct my behavior."

David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had changed him when the parrot continued:

"May I ask what the chicken did?"

***********************************

There was this farmer who had an old rooster named Brewster, and Brewster would mate with any animal, he didn't care which. Every morning the farmer would get up and feed all his animals, and every morning he would warn Brewster that someday it would catch up to the old rooster. Sure enough, one morning the farmer got up to feed the chickens, and there was old Brewster lying face up on the ground with buzzards circling overhead. The farmer sighed and said, "Ah, Brewster, you can't say I didn't warn you."

Brewster opened one eye slowly and said, "Shhh, I think one of 'em's about to land."

***********************************

One day a lion was walking around the jungle sad and lonely, when he spotted a monkey up in a tree. He yelled up to the monkey to come down and play, but the monkey was too scared. So the lion asked the monkey what he could do to make him feel comfortable enough to come down. The monkey said, "If you tie yourself up I'll come down." So the lion ties himself up, but as the monkey came down he started shaking.

The lion said, "Hey, monkey, you don't have to be scared! I'm not going to eat you; I'm tied up real tight."

"I know," said the monkey. "That's not why I'm shaking."

"So why are you shaking?" asked the lion.

"Well," said the monkey, "it's just that I've never had sex with a lion before."

***********************************

This penguin was having car problems, so he pulled his car into the garage for a check-up. The mechanic points at the restaurant across the street and says, "Go over there and get a bite to eat, and I'll take a look." The penguin does exactly as he says.

After a while he waddles back, and the mechanic is looking under the hood. The penguin asks him if he's been able to figure out what went wrong. The mechanic glances over his shoulder and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin quickly wipes his mouth and says, "Oh, no, no -- that's just tartar sauce."

Subject: Re: Wanted: †Animal Jokes

Written By: Emergency_Cube on 04/03/03 at 09:59 a.m.


Quoting:
One day a lion was walking around the jungle sad and lonely, when he spotted a monkey up in a tree. He yelled up to the monkey to come down and play, but the monkey was too scared. So the lion asked the monkey what he could do to make him feel comfortable enough to come down. The monkey said, "If you tie yourself up I'll come down." So the lion ties himself up, but as the monkey came down he started shaking.

The lion said, "Hey, monkey, you don't have to be scared! I'm not going to eat you; I'm tied up real tight."

"I know," said the monkey. "That's not why I'm shaking."

"So why are you shaking?" asked the lion.

"Well," said the monkey, "it's just that I've never had sex with a lion before."

End Quote




Oh, nooooooooooooooo... ;D

Subject: Re: Wanted: †Animal Jokes

Written By: Crazy Don on 04/03/03 at 10:42 a.m.


Quoting:
My favorite one:

A koala bear decides he needs to have a change of scenery from his native Australia, so he plans a trip to America. †While in New York City, he chances upon a rather attractive woman. †They hit it off and soon they're in a hotel room, doing their thing. †The woman notices that the koala bear is especially good at the "down under" stuff. †After the koala bear has done his thing, he starts to leave. †The woman is astonished, and says, "Wait, aren't you going to pay me?" †The koala bear says, "Why would I pay you?" †The woman says, "Because I'm a prostitute!" †to which the koala bear replies, "What is a prostitute?"

This is where the joke takes a twist, because in this particular hotel, instead of Gideon Bibles, they have dictionaries. †So the koala bear looks up the definition and sees:

prostitute -- n. †woman who has sex for money

He puts on a sad koala bear face, and says, "Sorry, I don't have any money, I'm just a koala bear" and leaves the room.

The prostitute, not knowing what a koala bear is, looks it up and sees:

koala bear -- n. †eats bush and leaves

:D
End Quote



I've heard a version of this, only it was a panda instead of a koala, and the punch line was:

panda--n.  eats shoots and leaves

Subject: Re: Wanted:  Animal Jokes

Written By: Q.Aviator on 04/03/03 at 06:31 p.m.

Found this on a site



A blind old man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head.

The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks it's quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The manager approaches the blind old man swinging the dog and says, " Pardon me. May I help you with something? "

The blind man says. " No thanks. I'm just looking around. "





I just know I'm going to regret ever posting this.

Subject: Re: Wanted: †Animal Jokes

Written By: karen (Guest) on 04/04/03 at 02:17 a.m.

How do you make milkshake?

Give a cow a pogostick


What's yellow and dangerous?

Shark-infested custard


How can you hide an elephant in custard?

Paint the bottom of his feet yellow and get him to stand on his head


Have you ever seen an elephant hiding in custard?

It must be a good disguise then.


How do you know if you've had an elephant in the fridge?

By the foot prints in the butter


How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

A fish



How do you get four elephants in a mini?

Two in the back, two in the front


The next one should be read out loud to make more sense
(For people who are familiar with British geography)

How do you get two whales in a mini?

Straight up the M4

I think I'd better stop there!