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This is a topic from the Playful Penguin Place forum on inthe00s.
Subject: Jokes
Written By: Shaz on 05/21/03 at 08:59 a.m.
I think we already have a thread for jokes but I am just too lazy to find it and bump it up.
I found this one and since I seem to be living in the White Trash capital of the World (LOL) I feel I can post this with some authority:
You're White Trash if... :
Your yard has been proposed as a new landfill site.
Your kid's birth announcements include the phrase "rug rat."
Your pocket knife has ever been referred to as "Exhibit A."
Your sister has a "Soldier of Fortune" subscription.
You've ever stood in line more than 1 hour to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.
Your bank checks feature pictures of dogs fighting.
You've ever stabbed someone's hand while reaching for the last pork chop.
On Christmas eve, you left Santa a beer and a Slim Jim.
You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
You were shooting pool when any of your children were born.
Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos."
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
You keep a can of RAID on your kitchen table.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
The gas pedal in your car is shaped like a bare foot
and if you are feeling particulary bored and wondering what the savvy white trash are purchasing these days, check out this link:
http://www.powhitetrash.com/classified.html
Subject: Re: Jokes
Written By: cs on 05/21/03 at 09:07 a.m.
LMAO!
Subject: Re: Jokes
Written By: ThunderVamp9 on 05/21/03 at 09:24 a.m.
LMAO!
That site is CLASSIC! *adds to bookmarks*
Subject: Re: Jokes
Written By: princessofpop on 05/21/03 at 10:01 a.m.
LOL! Those were great! Thanks Shaz! ;D
Subject: Re: Jokes
Written By: Delia on 05/21/03 at 12:05 a.m.
Well, that's not exactly a joke but anyway, there it goes..
"Why latinos can't be terrorists
Why Latinos can't beTerrorists...
*1. 8:45am is too early for us to be up.
*2. We are always late, we would have missed all 4 flights .
*3. Pretty people on the plane distract us.
*4. We would talk loudly and bring attention to ourselves.
*5. With food and drinks on the plane, we would forget why we're there.
*6. We talk with our hands, therefore we would have to put our weapons
down.
*7. We would ALL want to fly the plane.
*8. We would argue and start a fight in the plane.
*9. We can't keep a secret, we would have told everyone a week before
doing it.
*10. We would have put our country's flag on the windshield."
Subject: Re: Jokes
Written By: Billy_Florio on 05/21/03 at 07:45 p.m.
Quoting:
You're White Trash if... :
Your yard has been proposed as a new landfill site.
Your kid's birth announcements include the phrase "rug rat."
Your pocket knife has ever been referred to as "Exhibit A."
Your sister has a "Soldier of Fortune" subscription.
You've ever stood in line more than 1 hour to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.
Your bank checks feature pictures of dogs fighting.
You've ever stabbed someone's hand while reaching for the last pork chop.
On Christmas eve, you left Santa a beer and a Slim Jim.
You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
You were shooting pool when any of your children were born.
Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos."
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
You keep a can of RAID on your kitchen table.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
The gas pedal in your car is shaped like a bare foot
End Quote
and you know what the worst part is? I once met a girl that 9 of those 16 apply to ...im not kidding ;D
Subject: Re: Jokes
Written By: 80s_cheerleader on 05/21/03 at 09:18 p.m.
THanks Shaz & Delia. I needed a good laugh ;D
Subject: Re: Jokes
Written By: Arcfire on 05/22/03 at 09:45 a.m.
Aye thanks Shaz and Delia! I loved the "Why Latinos cant be terrorists" list!
Subject: Re: Jokes
Written By: cs on 05/22/03 at 09:57 a.m.
Quoting:
and you know what the worst part is? I once met a girl that 9 of those 16 apply to ...im not kidding ;D
End Quote
Which 9? ;)
Subject: Re: Jokes
Written By: Billy_Florio on 05/22/03 at 10:39 a.m.
Quoting:
Which 9? ;)
End Quote
Your yard has been proposed as a new landfill site. (Kinda reversed though, but they built it on a landfill lol)
Your sister has a "Soldier of Fortune" subscription. (She did)
You've ever stood in line more than 1 hour to get your picture taken with a freak of nature. (yes, she did)
On Christmas eve, you left Santa a beer and a Slim Jim. (they were out of cookies...and the cow wouldnt provide)
The Salvation Army declines your mattress. (ok, im guessing here, but I bet they would have ..Ive never seen her mattress lol)
Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos." (lol...actully it was her prom song! lhahaha)
You keep a can of RAID on your kitchen table. (they should have)
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. (and shes very proud of it)
The gas pedal in your car is shaped like a bare foot (He dads truck did)
Subject: Re: Jokes
Written By: Billy_Florio on 05/23/03 at 01:38 a.m.
you might be ghetto if (this was not written by me, BTW)
If the rimms on your car cost more than your car...you might be ghetto. If "mybabyfavah" or "mybabymovah" is the name of your significant other...you might be ghetto.
If you own more than one pair of gold shoes...you might be ghetto.
If you have the gold lipstick to go with those gold shoes...you might be ghetto.
If your daughter's name starts with a syallable rhyming with a "la" or ends with "qua" or "ta"...you might be ghetto.
If your grandmother is under 40 years old...you might be ghetto.
If you have a brother or cousin named "stink", "man" or "boo"...you might be ghetto.
If you find yourself in a physical confrontation because someone stepped on your sneakers...you might be ghetto.
If your 4 yeard old can't talk, but can do the "tootsie rool"...you might be ghetto.
If you constantly use *69 on your telephone and you say, "Did you just call here?"...you might be ghetto.
If you name your child after a character on the Young and the Restless...you might be ghetto.
If you do not have a job, but your hair and nails are done on a weekly basis...you might be ghetto.
If you believe that the words mother and father have the letter "v" in their spelling...you might be ghetto.
If "arts and crafts aids" (such as spray paint, glue, and glitter) are hair products to you...you might be ghetto.
If the height of your hair is more than the height of your head...you might be ghetto.
If the only skirt you own is a really a pair of denim shorts with a flap across the front...you might be ghetto.
If you sleep in a chair at night to avoid messing up your hair...you might be ghetto.
If you will only do it "doggystyle" with your mate to avoid messing up your hair...you might be ghetto.
If you do not have your own place, do not have your own car, and simply do not have your own anything, but your 2
year old has a three-quarter lenght leather coat...you might be ghetto.
If the dentist-installed gold overlay in your mouth spells words...you might be ghetto.
If you are a male and you have marks around your thighs from your belt...you might be ghetto.
If you are male and your hair strongly resembles the bottom of a bathing suit after sitting on the ledge of a concrete
pool...you might be ghetto.
If you are male and more than 3 girls page you, all using the code 1...you might be ghetto.
If you son's name rhymes with "tirrell"...you might be ghetto.
If your flourescent pager mathches the weave in your ponytail...you might be ghetto.
Subject: Re: Jokes
Written By: Arcfire on 05/23/03 at 07:44 a.m.
Quoting:
you might be ghetto if (this was not written by me, BTW)
If the rimms on your car cost more than your car...you might be ghetto. If "mybabyfavah" or "mybabymovah" is the name of your significant other...you might be ghetto.
If you own more than one pair of gold shoes...you might be ghetto.
If you have the gold lipstick to go with those gold shoes...you might be ghetto.
If your daughter's name starts with a syallable rhyming with a "la" or ends with "qua" or "ta"...you might be ghetto.
If your grandmother is under 40 years old...you might be ghetto.
If you have a brother or cousin named "stink", "man" or "boo"...you might be ghetto.
If you find yourself in a physical confrontation because someone stepped on your sneakers...you might be ghetto.
If your 4 yeard old can't talk, but can do the "tootsie rool"...you might be ghetto.
If you constantly use *69 on your telephone and you say, "Did you just call here?"...you might be ghetto.
If you name your child after a character on the Young and the Restless...you might be ghetto.
If you do not have a job, but your hair and nails are done on a weekly basis...you might be ghetto.
If you believe that the words mother and father have the letter "v" in their spelling...you might be ghetto.
If "arts and crafts aids" (such as spray paint, glue, and glitter) are hair products to you...you might be ghetto.
If the height of your hair is more than the height of your head...you might be ghetto.
If the only skirt you own is a really a pair of denim shorts with a flap across the front...you might be ghetto.
If you sleep in a chair at night to avoid messing up your hair...you might be ghetto.
If you will only do it "doggystyle" with your mate to avoid messing up your hair...you might be ghetto.
If you do not have your own place, do not have your own car, and simply do not have your own anything, but your 2
year old has a three-quarter lenght leather coat...you might be ghetto.
If the dentist-installed gold overlay in your mouth spells words...you might be ghetto.
If you are a male and you have marks around your thighs from your belt...you might be ghetto.
If you are male and your hair strongly resembles the bottom of a bathing suit after sitting on the ledge of a concrete
pool...you might be ghetto.
If you are male and more than 3 girls page you, all using the code 1...you might be ghetto.
If you son's name rhymes with "tirrell"...you might be ghetto.
If your flourescent pager mathches the weave in your ponytail...you might be ghetto.
End Quote
LMAO Those are Hilarious! Good ones Billy! ;D
Subject: Re: Jokes
Written By: Billy_Florio on 05/24/03 at 01:55 a.m.
you might be white trash if....
Your yard contains a home that's mobile and five cars that aren't.
Subject: Re: Jokes
Written By: ThunderVamp9 on 05/24/03 at 11:34 a.m.
And if you think THOSE are bad...
Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform well went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Zeb's time; so Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell, from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was too; but on this particular morning Zeb noticed that Brewster's bell wasn't ringing at all.
Zeb went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a ringin'; The pullets hearing the roosters coming would run for cover.
BUT, to Zeb's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and head for another one.
Zeb was so proud of Brewster he entered him in the County Fair.
Brewster was a sensation.
The judges not only awarded him The No Bell Piece Prize, but also The Pulletsurprise.
Subject: Re: Jokes
Written By: ThunderVamp9 on 05/24/03 at 11:36 a.m.
Stop! Groaner time!
A happily married man had only one complaint, his wife was
always nursing sick birds.
One November evening, he came home to find a raven with a
splint on its beak sitting in his favorite chair. On the
dining room table there was a feverish eagle pecking at
an aspirin while in the kitchen his wife was comforting a
shivering little wren that she found in the snow.
The furious spouse strode over to where his wife was towering
down the cold little bird. "I can't take it any more! We've
got to get rid of all of these darn..."
The wife held up her hand to cut him off in mid-curse.
"Please Dear," she said, "Not in front of the chilled wren."
I love this stuff!
Subject: Re: Jokes
Written By: ThunderVamp9 on 05/24/03 at 11:44 a.m.
ok are you ready for this....
A frog walks into a bank and goes up to a teller. He reads her name badge (Patricia Whack) and says very politely
"Excuse me Miss Whack, I'd like to apply for a loan"
She looks down and says
"May I take your name?"
"Kermit Jagger" says the frog
"Any relation to Mick" she asks smiling
"Why yes, Miss Whack" says the frog, "he's my father"
She is surprised but continues
"How much do you want to borrow?"
"$6,000,000" says the frog
"Might I ask what for?" she says
"Certainly Miss Whack, it's for a luxury yacht"
"Well", she says, "usually in circumstances like this we ask for some form of collateral. Do you have anything"
"I certainly do, Miss Whack" beams the frog and places a large ceramic pig on the counter. "this is my piggy bank and it has $10 dollars in it"
The teller thinks it over and says...."look I really don't think we can help you"
The frog looks crestfallen, couldn't you just check with your manager, Miss Whack?"
"ok" she says and goes to the managers office
"what is it, miss Whack?" asks the manager
"well, there's a frog here who claims to be the son of Mick Jagger who wants to borrow millions of dollars for a luxury yacht and only has this as collateral" she says putting the ceramic pig on his desk
The manager looks at her over his glasses and says........
ready
are you sitting down?
he says
wait for it
"It's a knick Knack, Patti Whack! Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone!"
Subject: Re: Jokes
Written By: Shaz on 05/24/03 at 11:46 a.m.
Oh man...... ;D ;D ;D
Subject: Re: Jokes
Written By: ThunderVamp9 on 05/24/03 at 11:47 a.m.
In the Court Room, On the Witness Stand
One day at a trial, an eminent psychologist was called
to testify. A severe no nonsense professional, she
sat down in the witness chair unaware that it's rear
legs were set precariously on the back of the raised
platform.
"Will you state your name?" asked the district attorney.
Tilting back in her chair she opened her mouth to answer,
but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and
landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment.
Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated
herself, rearranged her dishevelled dress and hair and
was reseated on the witness stand. The glare she
directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk.
"Well, doctor," continued the district attorney without
changing expression, "we could start with an easier
question."
Subject: Re: Jokes
Written By: ThunderVamp9 on 05/24/03 at 11:53 a.m.
JUST FRED...
A local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster than
the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
So, he asks the man his name.
"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred
Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time.
So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so was Fred Dingaling, MD.
After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD.
Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears.
Subject: Re: Jokes
Written By: ThunderVamp9 on 05/24/03 at 11:56 a.m.
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no."
"No?"
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
Subject: Re: Jokes
Written By: ThunderVamp9 on 05/24/03 at 12:06 a.m.
Hockey Fans will enjoy this:
On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the coastline on an impromptu sightseeing trip. His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the beautiful shoreline (an area where Michigan tourists typically visit in the winter) when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. He drove closer to see what it was. Upon approaching the scene, he saw a man in the water wearing a Colorado Avalanche hockey jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark!
At that moment, a speedboat containing three men wearing Detroit Red
Wing jerseys, roared into view from around the point. Immediately, one
Of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs,
Immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Colorado fan from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They then bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was the Pope summoning them to the beach. After they reached shore, the Pope praised them for the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there was bitter hatred in your country between the fans of the Wings and the Avalanche, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of true harmony and companionship that could serve as a model on which other countries, like this one, could follow". He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust. As he departed, the harpooner asked the others,
"Who was that?" "That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom". "Well," the harpooner replied, "he doesn't know a thing about shark fishing!! Is the bait holding up okay, or do we need to get another one?"
Subject: Re: Jokes
Written By: ThunderVamp9 on 05/24/03 at 12:08 a.m.
I know I'm going to hell for these, but I just can't stop...
Two Accountants were walking across the park when one said "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second Accountant guy replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said "Take what you want."
The first Accountant guy nodded approvingly "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit".
Subject: Re: Jokes
Written By: ThunderVamp9 on 05/24/03 at 12:09 a.m.
A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a
quarter.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replies, "I work for the IRS."
Subject: Re: Jokes
Written By: Shaz on 05/24/03 at 09:12 p.m.
One liners!
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
;D
Subject: Re: Jokes
Written By: princessofpop on 05/24/03 at 09:26 p.m.
;D ;D ;D
Bwahahaha!!! Good ones!
Subject: Re: Jokes
Written By: Billy_Florio on 05/25/03 at 12:42 a.m.
Quoting:
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no."
"No?"
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
End Quote
this reminds me of that old WC Fields line....
Woman: Youll drown in a vat of alcolhol someday!
WC Fields: Ah, drown in a vat of alcolhol....
I guess its only funny if he says it
Subject: Re: Jokes
Written By: Billy_Florio on 05/25/03 at 12:46 a.m.
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said, "I don't have anyone to talk to".
God said, "I will give you a companion and it will be a woman." He said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make, she will bear your children and
never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
"She will not nag", God continued, "and will always be the first to admit she is wrong. When you have a disagreement, she will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever needed"
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost"?
God said "An arm and a leg!"
Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"
The end
Subject: Re: Jokes
Written By: CatwomanofV on 05/26/03 at 08:19 a.m.
There was this reporter for the New York Times who in his travels came across a pig with a wooden leg. He knew there was a story in there so he stopped to talk to the farmer. When the reporter inquired about the pig, the farmer said,
"That is the greatest pig of them all. One time, my barn caught on fire. That pig got out of his pen and came to the house and woke me up so I could put out the fire and save all the animals. That is one smart pig."
The farmer kept going.
"One time I was out plowing the back 40 when the tracter tipped over and I was pinned underneath. Somehow, that pig knew I was in trouble and got out of his pen and came to dig me out. That pig saved my life. That is one smart pig."
The reporter finally said,
"That is really great but, HOW DID HE GET THE WOODEN LEG?"
The farmer replied:
"Son, you have a pig that great, you don't eat him all at once." ;D
Cat
Subject: Re: Jokes
Written By: Proud_Monkey on 05/26/03 at 04:57 p.m.
hardy harhar ;D
Subject: Re: Jokes
Written By: ThunderVamp9 on 05/28/03 at 12:11 a.m.
Two women were at a bar.
One looked at the other and said, "You know, 80 percent of all men think the best way to end an argument is to make love."
"Well," said the other woman," that will certainly revolutionize the game of hockey!"
Subject: Re: Jokes
Written By: princessofpop on 05/28/03 at 12:54 a.m.
"A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a two foot salami under the other. She lays the poodle on the table. Bartender says, 'I suppose you won't be needing a drink.' Naked lady says......"
Subject: Re: Jokes
Written By: ThunderVamp9 on 05/28/03 at 01:02 p.m.
The chicken and the egg are laying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face while the egg is frowning and looking slightly annoyed.
The egg mutters "Well I guess that answers that riddle".
Subject: Re: Jokes
Written By: Shaz on 05/28/03 at 02:05 p.m.
Quoting:
The chicken and the egg are laying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face while the egg is frowning and looking slightly annoyed.
The egg mutters "Well I guess that answers that riddle".
End Quote
LMAO!!!! ;D
Subject: Re: Jokes
Written By: ThunderVamp9 on 05/28/03 at 02:27 p.m.
I'm glad you liked it, dear! I gotta million more, but they're likely to be deleted before you can read 'em ;D This is my clean jokes only spot.
Subject: Re: Jokes
Written By: ThunderVamp9 on 05/29/03 at 02:16 p.m.
Had to get in at least ONE today...
A grandfather, son and grandson go out to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reach the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approaches them. She explains that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency which called him away and asks the trio whether she can join them.
Naturally, the guys all agree. Smiling, the blonde thanks them and says, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you wants to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear or tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots."
With that the guys agree to relax and invite her to drive first. All eyes are fastened on her shapely behind as she bends to place her ball on the tee. She then takes her driver and hits the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green. The father's mouth is agape.
"That was beautiful," said the dad. The blonde puts her driver away and says, "I really didn't get into it and I should have faded it a little."
After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots (she was closest to the pin) the blonde takes out a nine iron and lofts the ball within five feet of the hole.
The son says "damn, lady, you played that perfectly."
The blonde frowns and says, "it was a little weak. I've left a tricky little putt." After the son buries a long putt for a par, dad two putts
for a bogey and granddad overruns the green with his pitching wedge, chips back and putts for a double bogey, the blonde taps in the five-footer for a birdie.
The guys all congratulate her on her fine game. She puts her putter back in the bag and says, "Thanks, but I really haven't played much lately, and I'm a little rusty. Maybe I'll really get into this next drive."
Having the honors, she drives first on the second hole and knocks the hell out of the ball, and it lands nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continues to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.
When they get to the 18th green, the blonde is three under par, but has a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turns to the three guys and says, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 25-year old Royal Salute Scotch in him, fix him dinner and then show him a good time the rest of the night."
The yuppie son jumps at the thought. He strolls across the green, carefully eyes the line of the putt and finally says, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup."
The father kneels down and sights the putt using his putter as a plumb. "Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and run it left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."
The old gray haired grandfather walks over to the blonde's ball on the green, picks it up and hands it to the her. "That's a gimme, sweetheart. Your car or mine?"
The lesson ?? OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL TRIUMPH OVER YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME
Subject: Re: Jokes
Written By: Bobo on 05/29/03 at 02:38 p.m.
Ah yes, in fact, I was thinking about that one today, we had it in the board before, with the chicken with the satified look on his face... heh.
Quoting:
The chicken and the egg are laying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face while the egg is frowning and looking slightly annoyed.
The egg mutters "Well I guess that answers that riddle".
End Quote
Subject: Re: Jokes
Written By: Bobby on 06/15/03 at 03:38 p.m.
I hope these get you guys smiling.
Some racehorses are chatting together in a stable. One of them boasts about his track record. 'Out of my last 15 races, I've won 8!' He says proudly. Another horse gets in on the act, 'That's good but in my last 27 races, I've won 20!' 'Not bad but out of my last 36 races, I've won 28!'
While the boasting was going on, they notice a greyhound who has been sitting there the whole time listening. 'I don't mean to butt in But I've won 88 of my last 90 races.' The horses are clearly amazed 'Bloody hell' says one, after a hushed silence. 'A talking dog!'
A patient with a sore throat goes to see his doctor. The doctor examines him and says 'you are going to need your tonsils removed'. The patient was clearly unhappy by this and asked for a second opinion. 'O.k' the doctor said 'you're damn ugly as well.'