What do you call a hungry horse in 4 letters?
MTGG

What does a mouse say when it has its photograph taken?
Cheese!

Two fish are in a tank. One of them turns to the other and asks, "How do you drive this thing?"

Phonecall
Hello, is this the bookshop. Have you got a book called Unsolved Murders by Mr E?

... so the Neutron says "Are you sure?" and the Proton says "Yes, I'm positive"

I was walking down the road the other day and I saw this advert in the window that said: 'Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.' I thought: 'I can't turn that down.'

A blonde joke.

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head are running from the cops.
While running they come across a small store, so they run in to hide. So the red head goes into a dog house, the brunette goes into a cat house, and the blonde goes into a potato sack.
So the cops go in there, While looking for the three...one cop goes to the dog house and says "Is anybody in there?" So the red head goes "Bark Bark.". One other cop goes to the cat house and says "Is anybody in there?", So the brunette goes "Meow Meow." So another cop goes to the Potato sack and goes "Is anybody in there." So the Blonde goes "POTATOE, POTATOE."

I saw my neighbour stealing my socks off my washing line. I was going to confront him but I got cold feet.

How can you tell that the blond was using the word processor?

"White out" on the screen

A pirate walks into a bar with his ship's steering wheel in front of him. 

The bartender asks, "Why do you have that wheel?" 

The pirate say's, "Arrr... It's driving me nuts!"

Why does a squirrel swim on his back?

To keep his nuts dry.

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a checkered tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

I went to the doctors the other day and he said: "Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu."

So I went - and I got it.

The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word " definitely " in a sentence.

Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"

The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"

To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely s**t my pants

;D

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

I tried water polo but my horse drowned.

There was one about

Patrick and Seamus are sitting on a bench, and it's a balmy spring day in Dublin.  Patrick says to Seamus, "It's nice out."
Seamus says, "Ah yer right Patrick, I'll take mine out too!"

I tried water polo but my horse drowned.


http://i.imgur.com/OLdxDkk.jpg

I hate when that happens.

"There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did."

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A gay guy and a lesbian decided to try going straight.  It didn't work out so he went back to Sydney and she went back to Florence

You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a Catholic converter.

A (fill in an ethnic group) revolutionary tried to blow up a bus















He burned his lips on the exhaust pipe

A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins. What a turtle disaster.

Did you hear about the cannibal who showed up late for dinner?

He got the cold shoulder.

Did you hear about the guy who got his left side cut off? He's all right now.



Cat

What did the leper say to the hooker?

"You can keep the tip."

What has a neck but no head and still wears a cap?








A bottle

I backed a horse last week at 10 to one. It came in at quarter past four.

There was this guy who loved to bet on the ponies but he never had any luck. One morning he awake from a dream that kept saying, "Number 5! Number 5!" He knew it was an omen so he went down to the track, when to the 5th window, put $5 on the 5th horse in the 5th race. It worked. The horse came in 5th.



Cat

Why did the chicken cross the road?




It was trying to get away from Col. Sanders.

I went down to my local supermarket and I said: "I want to make a complaint. This vinegar's got lumps in it". He said: "Those are pickled onions."

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"



;D ;D ;D ;D



Cat

A husband and wife are sitting on the patio sharing a bottle of wine when, out of the blue the wife says "I love you".

Husband: "Is that you talking or the wine?"

To which the wife replies :that's me talking...











to the wine"

A husband and wife are sitting on the patio sharing a bottle of wine when, out of the blue the wife says "I love you".

Husband: "Is that you talking or the wine?"

To which the wife replies :that's me talking...











to the wine"


;D

A couple are sitting in a restaurant when the man suddenly slides under the table.  The women does not react.  The waiter says "Mame, your husband just slid under the table"  The woman responds "No, my husband just came in the door"

"What are you looking here for.  The joke's in your hands"
    - written on a bathroom wall

A guy walked into a bar and asked for a Corona...

Comedian Rob Auton has won an award for the funniest joke of the Edinburgh Fringe 2013.

"I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'


;D

I saw a homeless lady talking to herself, and I asked myself "Who is she talking to?". Then I asked myself, "Who am I talking to?".

I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”

- Tim Vine

I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”

- Tim Vine

Hee hee!! :D

If I saw a television on sale, I probably wouldn't turn it down either.

When a deaf person sees someone yawn do they think it's a scream?

Why do bees have sticky hair?

Because they have honey combs!

What bird is always out of breath?

A Puffin.

Tried to kill a fly with hairspray today... It didn't kill it, but it's hair looked fabulous!

hair spray only works on horses

Tried to kill a fly with hairspray today... It didn't kill it, but it's hair looked fabulous!


That reminds me of when I tried to kill a spider on the ceiling and I aimed the bug spray upwards but the spray fell down to my eyes.

That reminds me of when I tried to kill a spider on the ceiling and I aimed the bug spray upwards but the spray fell down to my eyes.
It happens all the time!

My jokes aren't funny! :D

I am not good telling jokes, but I do it anyway. ;D

My jokes aren't funny! :D

I am not good telling jokes, but I do it anyway. ;D
You do as you can...

How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

Why did the Mexican throw his wife off a cliff?

Tequila!

God is about finished creating Adam & Eve, says he has 2 extra body parts.  The first allows you to pee standing  up.  Adam says "please, please. pleeeese, can I have it?  "Sure" says god, and Adam goes off writing his name in the snow and knocking bark off trees.  God turns to Eve "Well, this one is yours"  "What is it?"

"Brains"

stupid,  that was  stupid
Oh, I can say it's not worth a fart

Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.

stupid,  that was  stupid
Oh, I can say it's not worth a fart


;D the morning farts, lol hahaha

;D the morning farts, lol hahaha
No comment!

I was walking down the road and a man offered me a free sofa and chairs. I said no because my mother always taught me not to take suites from strangers

I'm so good at sleeping...I can do it with my eyes closed!

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?

Nacho Cheese

so funny I forgot to laugh

I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.

I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


One of my Physics prof had a shirt that said

Never trust atoms. They make up everything.

One of my Physics prof had a shirt that said

Never trust atoms. They make up everything.
O0

He-He!!

O0

He-He!!


On a similar note, when one of my friends was having an existential crisis and thought nothing he ever did mattered, my other friend told him "We are all made of atoms. So in a way, we all matter."

On a similar note, when one of my friends was having an existential crisis and thought nothing he ever did mattered, my other friend told him "We are all made of atoms. So in a way, we all matter."
O0

Q. I hate jokes about German sausages.

A. They’re the wurst.

so funny I forgot to laugh


Haven't heard this phrase in decades lol.

A Revolutionary War Quiz:

https://www.washingtonpost.com/outlook/2019/07/05/president-trumps-revolutionary-war-quiz/?utm_term=.578b966319b7

How does a penguin build it's house?

Igloos it together.  ;D

Crossword Fan: I've have been thinking for a word for two weeks.

Friend: How about a fortnight?

What was Camelot famous for?

It's knight life!

Tomorrow there will be a demonstration of cake decorators, hundreds and thousands are expected.

Parallel lines have so much in common....it's a shame they'll never meet.

Stole this one from a page online!  :D

Parallel lines have so much in common....it's a shame they'll never meet.

Stole this one from a page online!  :D

Hee hee! That's absolutely right, though. O0

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?...he just needed a little space.  :D

I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!

Three friends go on a camping trip together to get away from the hustle and bustle. While walking, one of them spots a brilliant blue bottle and picks it up and, on closer inspection, it’s a lamp. He rubs it and out pops a genie. It booms, "You have finally freed me after 10,000 years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately blurts out, "I want a billion dollars." POOF! He's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact $1,000,000,003.50. The second guy thinks for a bit then says, "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF! He's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over $100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says, "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF! His arm starts rotating.

The genie tells them it's time for their second wish. The first guy says, "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF! A stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. The second guy says, "I want to be so good-looking and charismatic that I can have any girl I want." POOF! His looks change and the first guy's girl immediately starts flirting with him. The third guy says, "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF! Now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.

The genie tells them to “think very carefully" about their third and final wish. The first guy does and after a while he says, "I never want to become sick or injured. I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF! His complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him anymore. The second guy says, "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF! He looks younger already. The third guy smiles triumphantly and says, "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF! He's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. The first guy is ecstatic. "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." The second guy smiles and says, "Well, I've built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."

The third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says, "Guys, I think I f*cked up."

Did you hear about the race car driver who works in a bakery? He does donuts.

A man goes to see his doctor and says in a really low, deep voice, "DOCTOR, MY VOICE HAS BEEN REALLY LOW ALL MY LIFE AND I'M TIRED OF EVERYONE MAKING FUN OF ME ALL THE TIME. IS THERE ANYTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT?" The doctor replies, "Well, let's run a few tests and we'll see what we can do." So the doctor draws some blood and examines the man thoroughly and tells him he'll get back to him within the next few days.

A couple of days later the doctor calls the man and says, "Well, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that we can fix your voice so it sounds normal. The bad news is that the procedure involves surgically removing three inches from your penis." The man replies, "I DON'T CARE, I JUST WANT TO TALK LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE DO. GO AHEAD AND DO THE SURGERY." So the doctor schedules him and does the surgery.

About a week after the surgery the man calls the doctor up, speaking in a normal voice. "Doctor, the surgery worked out great and it's nice to have a normal voice and all, but my wife doesn't like me having a smaller penis. Is there any way you can put that section back in?"

The doctor replies, "I THREW IT AWAY."

A man went to the doctors suffering from a severe headache for years on end.

The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is it will require castration.

“You have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”

Joe was shocked but he knew he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, and he truly believed he could make a new life.

He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need ... a new suit.”

He entered the shop and said, “I’d like a new suit.”

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see ... size 44 long.”

Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“Been in the business 60 years!” the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly. The salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”

Joe was on a roll. “Sure.” The salesman said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16 ½ neck.”

Joe said, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“Been in the business 60 years.” Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?” Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure.” The salesman said, “Let’s see ... size 36.”

Joe laughed, “Ah ha! I got you, I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.”

The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”

It is a little known fact that Anne Boleyn actually had a brother called Tenpin.

Karl Marx is an historically famous figure but nobody ever mentions his sister Onya, who invented the starting pistol.

Police announced a rare copy of a 1798 thesaurus was stolen from the British Museum, and the police officer had no words to express himself.

I hate it when I see some old person, and then realize we went to high school together... :(

Melania to Biden: "Don't let in bother you Joe, he never lets me  finish either"

I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!



I bet it sucks, too.


Cat

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!


I bet it sucks, too.


Cat

It sure does.. :D :D