inthe00s
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Subject: The joke box

Written By: Stompgal on 06/24/04 at 12:36 pm

What do you call a hungry horse in 4 letters?
MTGG

What does a mouse say when it has its photograph taken?
Cheese!

Two fish are in a tank. One of them turns to the other and asks, "How do you drive this thing?"

Phonecall
Hello, is this the bookshop. Have you got a book called Unsolved Murders by Mr E?

Subject: Re: The joke box

Written By: whistledog on 05/28/13 at 11:44 pm

... so the Neutron says "Are you sure?" and the Proton says "Yes, I'm positive"

Subject: Re: The joke box

Written By: Philip Eno on 05/29/13 at 4:27 am

I was walking down the road the other day and I saw this advert in the window that said: 'Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.' I thought: 'I can't turn that down.'

Subject: Re: The joke box

Written By: warped on 05/29/13 at 6:40 am

A blonde joke.

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head are running from the cops.
While running they come across a small store, so they run in to hide. So the red head goes into a dog house, the brunette goes into a cat house, and the blonde goes into a potato sack.
So the cops go in there, While looking for the three...one cop goes to the dog house and says "Is anybody in there?" So the red head goes "Bark Bark.". One other cop goes to the cat house and says "Is anybody in there?", So the brunette goes "Meow Meow." So another cop goes to the Potato sack and goes "Is anybody in there." So the Blonde goes "POTATOE, POTATOE."

Subject: Re: The joke box

Written By: Philip Eno on 05/29/13 at 7:47 am

I saw my neighbour stealing my socks off my washing line. I was going to confront him but I got cold feet.

Subject: Re: The joke box

Written By: Don Carlos on 05/29/13 at 11:05 am

How can you tell that the blond was using the word processor?

"White out" on the screen

Subject: Re: The joke box

Written By: Tashlovglit on 05/29/13 at 7:27 pm

A pirate walks into a bar with his ship's steering wheel in front of him. 

The bartender asks, "Why do you have that wheel?" 

The pirate say's, "Arrr... It's driving me nuts!"

Subject: Re: The joke box

Written By: Tashlovglit on 05/29/13 at 7:27 pm

Why does a squirrel swim on his back?

To keep his nuts dry.

Subject: Re: The joke box

Written By: warped on 05/30/13 at 8:23 am

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a checkered tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

Subject: Re: The joke box

Written By: Philip Eno on 05/30/13 at 8:24 am

I went to the doctors the other day and he said: "Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu."

So I went - and I got it.

Subject: Re: The joke box

Written By: Tashlovglit on 05/30/13 at 11:16 am

The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word " definitely " in a sentence.

Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"

The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"

To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely s**t my pants

;D

Subject: Re: The joke box

Written By: warped on 05/30/13 at 1:40 pm

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Subject: Re: The joke box

Written By: Philip Eno on 05/30/13 at 2:23 pm

I tried water polo but my horse drowned.

Subject: Re: The joke box

Written By: MaxwellSmart on 06/04/13 at 12:00 am

There was one about

Patrick and Seamus are sitting on a bench, and it's a balmy spring day in Dublin.  Patrick says to Seamus, "It's nice out."
Seamus says, "Ah yer right Patrick, I'll take mine out too!"

Subject: Re: The joke box

Written By: Foo Bar on 06/04/13 at 3:15 am


I tried water polo but my horse drowned.


http://i.imgur.com/OLdxDkk.jpg

I hate when that happens.

Subject: Re: The joke box

Written By: warped on 06/04/13 at 10:10 am

"There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did."

Subject: Re: The joke box

Written By: Philip Eno on 06/05/13 at 2:45 am

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Subject: Re: The joke box

Written By: Don Carlos on 06/05/13 at 9:38 am

A gay guy and a lesbian decided to try going straight.  It didn't work out so he went back to Sydney and she went back to Florence

Subject: Re: The joke box

Written By: Philip Eno on 06/05/13 at 1:15 pm

You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a Catholic converter.

Subject: Re: The joke box

Written By: Don Carlos on 06/06/13 at 9:44 am

A (fill in an ethnic group) revolutionary tried to blow up a bus















He burned his lips on the exhaust pipe

Subject: Re: The joke box

Written By: Philip Eno on 06/06/13 at 10:11 am

A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins. What a turtle disaster.

Subject: Re: The joke box

Written By: AL-B Mk. III on 06/08/13 at 9:11 pm

Did you hear about the cannibal who showed up late for dinner?

He got the cold shoulder.

Subject: Re: The joke box

Written By: CatwomanofV on 06/08/13 at 9:12 pm

Did you hear about the guy who got his left side cut off? He's all right now.



Cat

Subject: Re: The joke box

Written By: AL-B Mk. III on 06/08/13 at 9:22 pm

What did the leper say to the hooker?

"You can keep the tip."

Subject: Re: The joke box

Written By: Tashlovglit on 06/09/13 at 11:55 am

What has a neck but no head and still wears a cap?








A bottle

Subject: Re: The joke box

Written By: Philip Eno on 06/09/13 at 12:19 pm

I backed a horse last week at 10 to one. It came in at quarter past four.

Subject: Re: The joke box

Written By: CatwomanofV on 06/09/13 at 12:31 pm

There was this guy who loved to bet on the ponies but he never had any luck. One morning he awake from a dream that kept saying, "Number 5! Number 5!" He knew it was an omen so he went down to the track, when to the 5th window, put $5 on the 5th horse in the 5th race. It worked. The horse came in 5th.



Cat

Subject: Re: The joke box

Written By: Tashlovglit on 06/09/13 at 11:47 pm

Why did the chicken cross the road?




It was trying to get away from Col. Sanders.

Subject: Re: The joke box

Written By: Philip Eno on 06/10/13 at 5:01 am

I went down to my local supermarket and I said: "I want to make a complaint. This vinegar's got lumps in it". He said: "Those are pickled onions."

Subject: Re: The joke box

Written By: warped on 06/13/13 at 3:29 pm

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

Subject: Re: The joke box

Written By: CatwomanofV on 06/13/13 at 4:05 pm


A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"



;D ;D ;D ;D



Cat

Subject: Re: The joke box

Written By: Don Carlos on 08/03/13 at 9:59 am

A husband and wife are sitting on the patio sharing a bottle of wine when, out of the blue the wife says "I love you".

Husband: "Is that you talking or the wine?"

To which the wife replies :that's me talking...











to the wine"

Subject: Re: The joke box

Written By: Howard on 08/03/13 at 4:10 pm


A husband and wife are sitting on the patio sharing a bottle of wine when, out of the blue the wife says "I love you".

Husband: "Is that you talking or the wine?"

To which the wife replies :that's me talking...











to the wine"


;D

Subject: Re: The joke box

Written By: Don Carlos on 08/04/13 at 10:00 am

A couple are sitting in a restaurant when the man suddenly slides under the table.  The women does not react.  The waiter says "Mame, your husband just slid under the table"  The woman responds "No, my husband just came in the door"

Subject: Re: The joke box

Written By: whistledog on 08/04/13 at 6:51 pm

"What are you looking here for.  The joke's in your hands"
    - written on a bathroom wall

Subject: Re: The joke box

Written By: Don Carlos on 08/18/13 at 10:57 pm

A guy walked into a bar and asked for a Corona...

Subject: Re: The joke box

Written By: Philip Eno on 08/21/13 at 5:54 am

Comedian Rob Auton has won an award for the funniest joke of the Edinburgh Fringe 2013.

"I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."

Subject: Re: The joke box

Written By: whistledog on 08/21/13 at 1:31 pm

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

Subject: Re: The joke box

Written By: Howard on 08/21/13 at 1:54 pm


I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'


;D

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