ONE ARMED MEN. If your partner is thinking about getting breast implants, convince her to save money and only get one done.

BUSY EXECUTIVES. Don't buy a Dachshund. Their amusing sausage shape means they take 50% longer to stroke than other dogs, and time is money.

ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

MUMS Make bath nights more fun for the kids by playing 'moth aircraft carrier'. Simply float a shoebox in the bath with a torch attached. Leave a window open for ten minutes, then turn off the bathroom lights and watch as the moths attempt to make their dramatic and dangerous landings.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

A SIMPLE check that your wife has not accidentally left Flash Toilet Wipes on top of the cistern instead of the usual Andrex moist bum wipes will avoid cross words and marital discord.

SAVE money on expensive surround sound home cinema systems by only watching films when the appropriate noises are going on outside, eg watch horror movies when there is a storm on, or cowboy films whilst local drug gangs are fighting it out in the street

WORM FARMERS Double your yield by simply cutting every worm in half. Hey presto! Each half will grow into a new worm.

MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

IMPOTENT MEN Don't waste money on expensive drugs like Viagra off the internet. Just let your wife think you don't fancy her

MCDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

IMPOTENT MEN Don't waste money on expensive drugs like Viagra off the internet. Just let your wife think you don't fancy her



Ok, this one made me laugh out loud!  ...and oh how I'd love to see this one amongst the spam and flotsam, for a change!  Oooh, maybe they could get that "Bob's Smiling" guy from the Enzyte commercials to do the television ad... heh heh!   

SAVE money on expensive surround sound home cinema systems by only watching films when the appropriate noises are going on outside, eg watch horror movies when there is a storm on, or cowboy films whilst local drug gangs are fighting it out in the street


Ha ha! I knew I was going about home entertainment the wrong way.  :D