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Subject: band tryout follies

Written By: Tia on 12/03/07 at 9:38 am

so no one here probably is aware, i think there may be three or so people i've told, i got fired from the band i was in, which is fine because i was gearing up to quit. so the past couple weeks i've been doing the ad-in-the-paper thing, looking for bands who are looking for guitar players.

so i try out for this band last night, four piece, female vocalist, all original stuff, pretty decent vocals but real basic campfire chord accompaniment, which is fine cuz i figure i'm a guitarist, i can do some textures and stuff and get them outta the campfire chord territory. so... i spend a few hours yesterday listening to this music, writing parts for it, so forth.

i get out there and they seem like nice people, everyone's set up so i set up my gear, meanwhile, singer is noodling around on her guitar and singing and her voice sounds all off key, not like on the recording at all. this is a source of concern for me, but whatever, i just got there so. also, she's strumming these really basic chords but even still she's not hitting them quite right and her guitar is out of tune.

ok. fine.

so we start up, it's one of the louder songs so i bust out the part i was working on which, admittedly, is pretty busy. the band comes in and they're super loud, and they drown me out. so we have to stop and adjust the sound, turn the guitar way up. we start again, i'm doing the part, and meanwhile the singer starts whispering to the bass player. i know she's not pleased about something. we get to the end of the song and she says to me, 'ok, you seem like you were soloing the whole time. are you trying to join a band with people who share or are you just trying to show off?"

this instantly pisses me off to no end and i consider just packing up and leaving but whatever, i drove for a while and i worked on these parts a long time so i swallow my pride and say, okay, i'll reel it back for you. meanwhile thinking, okay, those weren't solos, you deaf bitch, they were repeating parts. a "solo" would be an improvised, non-repeating figure. but judging from the chords you'this chick's playing and the way she's playing them it's not like i expect her to know anything about music.

so we go back through the song and through a couple more and i dial it back and between each song she says "okay, that was better. not like the first time at all." like, even though the problem's fixed SHE KEEPS BRINGING UP THE ORIGINAL PROBLEM AGAIN AND AGAIN. i've already decided i'm not going to have anything more to do with this act after tonight but i'm getting so irritated with her i'm sorta like, okay, exactly how far is she gonna turn up her Shrew Knob. all the way to 11? i get curious.

so... later we're talking about goals, musical philosophy, etc., and she's all, 'well, basically i used to open for the foo fighters and and and i want to have that experience of playing for 45,000-person crowds again." so, she wants to be a star. i have to admit i dont meet people THIS deluded in the music "business" very often unless they're 19, so i ask how old everybody is. in their thirties, i'm told. somehow it also comes up that she's been to a "Spice Girls audition." who the hell goes to a spice girls audition? it seems like you could mention in your ad that you're playing in a band where the lead singer's been to a Spice Girls audition, and that way every human being in the universe would instantly know that they don't want to answer the ad. it would save everyone a lot of time.

so they ask what my goals are and i'm like, well, i'd like to develop as a musician, play stuff that challenges me and helps me to grow while i help the other musicians to grow and rely on their guidance. been doing enough gigging, kinda want to give that a rest for now and just study and play music and have fun. so then i learn that singer who can't play a strong C chord on the guitar has classical and jazz training for piano and voice. in one of the world's most prestigious music universities, i presume, i didn't really hear because my eyes were glazing over again. so then she says the most remarkable thing i've ever heard anyone say: "basically, on voice or on piano, if you put any piece in front of me i can play it. so musically i've really accomplished all that there is to accomplish, and instead i've decided to focus on writing the perfect pop song that will really reach people."

okay. so think this over. many of the finest musicians in the world, i dont care the genre or instument, go to their graves in their 80s and 90s lamenting that in a lifetime of study they've only scratched the surface of what there is to know about music theory, composition and performance. but here's someone who's evidently managed to solve that rubik's cube. and yet... she can't play guitar chords or tune her guitar. is it plausible that you could be the embodiment of perfection on keyboards and yet be unable to tune a guitar? (or, and this is crucial, is it possible to be all that and yet be unaware that your guitar needed tuning?)

so at the end of the tryout they were all like, okay, e-mail us and let us know what's up. and she says, 'yes, let us know if you hate us.' and that little voice that always goes in the back of your head when someone's pissing you off and you're struggling to hold your peace pipes up in my head, thinking, lady, that's the first smart thing you've said all night.'

ugh. worst tryout i've ever done in my life. thanks for letting me vent my bottomless, petty bitterness.

Subject: Re: band tryout follies

Written By: KKay on 12/03/07 at 1:18 pm

that was fabulous.
really.
loved it.
wish I could have been there.

I feel, inthe00s wise, I have accomplished all there is.  I'm going to focus on writing the perfect post...one that will really reach people.

ugh.
sorry honey.

Subject: Re: band tryout follies

Written By: Tia on 12/03/07 at 1:35 pm


that was fabulous.
really.
loved it.
wish I could have been there.

I feel, inthe00s wise, I have accomplished all there is.  I'm going to focus on writing the perfect post...one that will really reach people.

ugh.
sorry honey.

lol. you know, i got so distracted focusing on the fact that she'd mastered every aspect of musical study for voice and piano that i failed to acknowledge the fact that, having brilliance that fully exceeded the capability of all musical developments in human history to present a worthy challenge for her, that she'd had the unbridled arrogance to take it upon herself to write The Song That Would Teach the World to Sing.

you know, i never should have brought this up. this morning i was mildly annoyed. now i'm quivering with rage. :P

Subject: Re: band tryout follies

Written By: KKay on 12/03/07 at 1:37 pm


you know, i never should have brought this up. this morning i was mildly annoyed. now i'm quivering with rage. :P


you should just contimue to email her and call and ask how it went.... ::)

when you find something good be sure to oversend announcements of gigs to her as well.

Subject: Re: band tryout follies

Written By: La Roche on 12/03/07 at 2:10 pm

Douchebags.

I think there's some severe retardation going on.

Why did they fire you? Yoko stuff? I didn't like her.. but it didn't stop me hitting on her.. BOOONG!

Subject: Re: band tryout follies

Written By: CatwomanofV on 12/03/07 at 3:01 pm


lol. you know, i got so distracted focusing on the fact that she'd mastered every aspect of musical study for voice and piano that i failed to acknowledge the fact that, having brilliance that fully exceeded the capability of all musical developments in human history to present a worthy challenge for her, that she'd had the unbridled arrogance to take it upon herself to write The Song That Would Teach the World to Sing.

you know, i never should have brought this up. this morning i was mildly annoyed. now i'm quivering with rage. :P



I wouldn't get annoyed-I would just laugh at the fact that she is so full of herself when it is apparent that she is so totally full of s**t that even I can smell it from way up here in the north country.



Cat

Subject: Re: band tryout follies

Written By: Tia on 12/03/07 at 3:41 pm


Douchebags.

I think there's some severe retardation going on.

Why did they fire you? Yoko stuff? I didn't like her.. but it didn't stop me hitting on her.. BOOONG!
that's a different shrew! i know, they all kinda blend together. what i wouldn't give to work for someone like karen or my friend megan. there ARE laid-back musicians out there, i just know it!

Subject: Re: band tryout follies

Written By: HawkTheSlayer on 12/03/07 at 3:57 pm

Being a musician myself, I can smell a red herring from a mile off.
That broad is so full of herring, she could open a Finnish smorgasbord!

I mean, sure, I've performed alongside some of Country's legends, but unlike others, I have actual proof to back this up.
I don't use it as a promotional bellringer.

I also don't generally note about how my career is sour, so I plan to write the perfect song...one that will really reach people.
I haven't achieved the "Garth Brooks" level of egotism, and if I ever do, Davey has my full permission to smash my head in.

Subject: Re: band tryout follies

Written By: Tia on 12/03/07 at 4:10 pm

it's funny because i also have some stories of brushing with marginal fame. my amp is signed by rock semi-legend, semi-over-the-hill-dupe rick derringer (we opened for him once), and we also played the 8x10 and the State Theater, which are both big local clubs. but in each instance it was a fluke and a bit of a miserable story, all in all. although the 8x10 show was fun and rick derringer is a great guitar player, i had no idea.  :o

Subject: Re: band tryout follies

Written By: Tia on 12/03/07 at 4:23 pm

fer instance.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=1TDjYNV_pnc

respeck!

Subject: Re: band tryout follies

Written By: AL-B Mk. III on 12/03/07 at 4:26 pm

Once this band finally does find a guitarist and starts playing some gigs, you ought to show up one night, stand right in front of the stage and start mocking them to the point where they start becoming self-conscious, like my younger brother once did after we got dragged into watching a bad 80's metal cover band called "Mother Tongue."  It was one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

Subject: Re: band tryout follies

Written By: Tia on 12/03/07 at 4:30 pm


Once this band finally does find a guitarist and starts playing some gigs, you ought to show up one night, stand right in front of the stage and start mocking them to the point where they start becoming self-conscious, like my younger brother once did after we got dragged into watching a bad 80's metal cover band called "Mother Tongue."  It was one of the funniest things I've ever seen.
Al-B! that would be wrong! i think i'll do it.

i notice the rick youtube clip starts getting a little redundant after about minute three or so. i guess he'd accomplished everything musically that there is to accomplish by that point.

Subject: Re: band tryout follies

Written By: Ashkicksass on 12/03/07 at 4:33 pm

I don't very often use the "See You Next Tuesday" term...but it ran through my head numerous times whilst reading your Spice Girl Reject rant.  Seriously...there are no other words...

Subject: Re: band tryout follies

Written By: Jessica on 12/03/07 at 5:07 pm


Once this band finally does find a guitarist and starts playing some gigs, you ought to show up one night, stand right in front of the stage and start mocking them to the point where they start becoming self-conscious, like my younger brother once did after we got dragged into watching a bad 80's metal cover band called "Mother Tongue."  It was one of the funniest things I've ever seen.


Do eet!

You should bring a recording of a Spice Girls song with you. Make sure you rub in that part REAL well.

Subject: Re: band tryout follies

Written By: thereshegoes on 12/03/07 at 5:31 pm

You need to go SOLO,get that spice wannabe to sing your back-ups!

Subject: Re: band tryout follies

Written By: Tia on 12/03/07 at 6:14 pm


You need to go SOLO,get that spice wannabe to sing your back-ups!
oo! nice! i could put the backup singers right behind me so when she started acting up i could just give her a little back kick.

Subject: Re: band tryout follies

Written By: Tia on 12/03/07 at 6:34 pm

so i just sent the drummer this.

"thanks!

bro, because i liked both you and the bass player a great deal i feel the need to point out that the vocalist was a bit... well, rather more than a bit... hypercritical. consider explaining that a band tryout is not like a job interview because otherwise she's likely to scare off more applicants with her demeanor. some of the comments she made to me are going to make amusing stories i tell my friends for quite some time.

the two of you struck me immediately as good solid players with good attitudes and you deserve better, she's a great singer but she needs a reality check before you try out more people, in my opinion. i haven't seen her in other contexts but i can tell you she hassled me far more than was reasonable. totally not your fault but there it is."

Subject: Re: band tryout follies

Written By: Tia on 12/03/07 at 9:30 pm

suddenly i'm remembering that drummer dude had big tattoos and looked like he could probably bench around 250, 275. hmm. hope i was sufficiently deliberate in my language there.

whatever. if tia goes down, i go down proudly flashing the Double Eagle.

Subject: Re: band tryout follies

Written By: Tia on 12/03/07 at 10:10 pm

w00t! he emailed me back and it was a bit of a complicated interchange but basically it boiled down to, 'yeah, you know what? she is a bit of an overbearing pain in the ass.'

i think i got one hooked on the line. i'ma give the reel some slack and maybe shoot him another email in a day or two after i sit down and think of something sufficiently sly and insidious to get him questioning his allegiances and wondering if he's really in a good place right now jammin' with little miss "i must express myself or i will go insane and take you with me."

a solid rhythm section that's a package deal with experience like these two? that's a good catch, mayng. and they're disgruntled. :P

http://www.stripermike.com/mike17b.JPG

flash sez, gimme that rhythm section, you bitch!

Subject: Re: band tryout follies

Written By: CatwomanofV on 12/04/07 at 11:07 am

It sounds like the plot is thickening.  :D ;D ;D ;D



Cat

Subject: Re: band tryout follies

Written By: Tia on 12/04/07 at 11:26 am

this is what i sent him.

"i first wanted to play drums. my folks bought me a guitar for my 15th birthday because they didn't want to hear clumsy thumping all day long.

yeah, it's a trick, not overplaying but not being too straight-ahead either. with chords that rudimentary it's tough not to want to embellish the music a bit. i dunno, if she can pull off this 50,000-seat arena-rock opening for the foo fighters thing i'd say go for it, but if all that gets old after a while, a solid rhythm section with experience working together is pretty damn valuable out there. i collaborate with other songwriter types a lot and we're always on the lookout for a good rhythm section.

just sayin'. ;)

Tim Hadden <xxx@xxx.nxxt> wrote:

    I know what it feels like--her primary obsession, believe it or not, is with the drums.  So I have had a lot of "suggestions" on drum parts.  I just try to consider it a challenge to play what she wants (which is usually a bunch simpler than what I would instinctively play--although, I, too, generally hate overplaying by drummers).  Will do regarding the mailing list.  --tim
    On Dec 3, 2007, at 10:44 PM, Michael Ward wrote:"

Subject: Re: band tryout follies

Written By: Tia on 12/10/07 at 4:08 pm

so, went to a couple more tryouts.

you ever notice this? here's the thing... you show up to a tryout and you see the drummer's got something like this...

http://www.wesjanson.com/squidoo/drums.jpg

you think there's hope the guy can play. if you see something like this...

http://www.rockdrummingsystem.com/underground/drum-terms/images/Hugekit.jpg

you just know... KNOW!... the dude's not gonna be even able to do a backbeat with a decent feel or even a basic in-tempo fill.  ::) totally lived that last night. and not with the cool 5-piece ludwig either. with the battlestar galactica drumset, badly played. i'm like, bro, you sure youre hitting the right one of those?

Subject: Re: band tryout follies

Written By: Rice_Cube on 12/10/07 at 4:10 pm

^ Ergo, more drums = bad?

Subject: Re: band tryout follies

Written By: Tia on 12/10/07 at 4:14 pm


^ Ergo, more drums = bad?
not necessarily, i'd love to play with a fantastic drummer who had all that stuff. it's just experience has shown me that if you really wanna play drums but you just lack aptitude, you make up for it with the visa card. but if youre badass, you're too busy practicing to even make it up to the music shop for another cowbell.

Subject: Re: band tryout follies

Written By: Rice_Cube on 12/10/07 at 6:46 pm

I can't even do the wee drum set right :(  No coordination.

Subject: Re: band tryout follies

Written By: KKay on 12/11/07 at 7:24 am

love this thread. it's my soap opera.

Subject: Re: band tryout follies

Written By: La Roche on 12/11/07 at 7:47 am

Mike.. I think we both know.. it's time.

You need to try out for GWAR.

Subject: Re: band tryout follies

Written By: Tia on 12/11/07 at 9:24 am


Mike.. I think we both know.. it's time.

You need to try out for GWAR.
only if they offer a 401(k) and dental. also, do they provide firearms?

Subject: Re: band tryout follies

Written By: Tia on 12/11/07 at 12:08 pm


love this thread. it's my soap opera.
Im actually thinking I don’t really wanna join a band. I’m sick of bands, I just want to play. So I’m just going to go to tryouts for the rest of my life. 

Subject: Re: band tryout follies

Written By: La Roche on 12/11/07 at 12:59 pm


only if they offer a 401(k) and dental. also, do they provide firearms?


If you join GWAR I'll let you borrow my AK.

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