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Subject: Here are the WINNERS of my Amended Oscars, Igor

Written By: ChrisBodilyTM on 02/23/09 at 5:57 pm

I thought I'd do this in the style of an award show. Note: Some celebrities or characters in this "show" are used for satiric purposes.


Live from the Steve Guttenberg Center in Hollywood, California... It's the 2009 Igor Awards. And now, here are your hosts for this evening... Billy Crystal & Nathan Lane!!


Schmaltzy, overblown musical number

(Sung to the tune of Danny Elfman's 1989 Batman theme)

BILLY CRYSTAL: Whoooo snuuuuubbed the Baaaaaaaaat maaaaan?
Whooooo snubbed the Daaaaaaaaark Kniiiiiiiight?

(NATHAN LANE: It should be Best... Picture and it... Should win Screenplay... Best director... Mr. Nolan, etc.)

BILLY CRYSTAL: Whoooo snuuuuubbed myyyy Baaaaaaaaat maaaaan?
Snuuuuuuuuuuuuubbed! Nooooooooooooo!

(Faster tempo)

CRYSTAL: Os-car, Os-car, I'm so pissed off
Who snubbed the Batman?
Chris-pher No-lan, Goy-er, where is the Baaaat man now?
(Familiar piano intro to an 80s power ballad)
Now? Now? Now?

Crystal and Lane sit down in comfy chairs that look like they were pulled from 1974.

(Sung to the tune of "Sister Christian" by Night Ranger)

CRYSTAL: Richard Nixon, oh your crime has come
When we wanna know if you're a crook, you say... "no way"

(Drums kick in)

CRYSTAL: In Watergate, where's your slice of pie?
What made you go resign?
Don't make up lies tonight.
(Speaking) Let's move on the multiple choice.

Crystal and Lane move on to the Hot Seats.

(Sung to the tune of "Werewolves of London" by Warren Zevon)

NATHAN LANE: I saw a slumdog with a million dollars in his hand
Running through the streets of Mumbai in the sun
He was looking for a girl he used to know
He knows she's a big fan of this dumb game show

LANE AND CRYSTAL: Aooooo! Slumdogs of Mumbai! Aoooooooo!

CRYSTAL: Let me ask YOU something? Are you a crook? A. Yes B. Yes C. Yes or D. Yes?

LANE: I'm not a crook, but you are.

Crystal's face is whitened and his hair is long, greasy and green. He has dark black circles under his eyes and red scars around his mouth.

CRYSTAL: (Talking) I'm a crook. I am. (Singing) I'm a picker, I'm a winner, I'm a lover, and I'm a sinner.
Playing my music in the suuun.
I'm a Joker, I'm a Broke-er, I'm a Bat-provoker... How many Oscars have I wooooon?

(Tempo slows down to end the musical number)

CRYSTAL &  LANE: Whooooo snuuuubbed the Baaaaaaaaat maaaaaaaaaan? Pow!

Thunderous applause.

Subject: Re: 2009 Igor Awards... WINNERS here!

Written By: ChrisBodilyTM on 02/23/09 at 6:57 pm

CRYSTAL: Thank you very much. This is actually the second ceremony. The first was done on IMDb last year in response to the tragic snubbing of Rob Zombie's Halloween and other films at the Oscars. Nevermind that most of them were genre movies -- thrillers like Fracture and Mr. Brooks... horror films like Mr. Brooks, Halloween, and 1408... and big Hollywood blockbusters like Transformers. Hardly the stuff those artsy-fartsy film snubs will recognize as the cream of the crop. I loved No Country for Old Men, but not on the same level as Rob Zombie's masterpiece remake of John Carpenter's masterpiece classic. Daeg Faerch as young Michael Myers -- and Tyler Mane as his adult counterpart -- were far more terrifying than Javier Bardem's Oscar-winning Anton. I might get stoned for saying it, but, what the hell, it's true.

Thunderous applause.

CRYSTAL: We'll try not to be too pretentious, stuffy, schmaltzy, boring, or overblown tonight... if the producers will let us. Wow! Look at my outfit. I look like Ronald McDonald's alcoholic brother!

Hysterical laughs. Christopher Nolan, Christian Bale, Maggie Gyllenhall, and the rest of The Dark Knight cast and crew laugh hysterically.

CRYSTAL (Imitating eating a double cheeseburger): Why sssso delicioussss? Let'ssss put a sssmile on that Happy Meal boxxx!

More laughs.

CRYSTAL: Here to present the award for Best Picture -- just kidding! Here to present Best Minor Character, please welcome Spider-Man cameo extraordinaire and B-movie legend Bruce Campbell!!

Standing ovation. Bruce Campbell appears on stage in front of the podium.

BRUCE CAMPBELL: This is a brand new category this year. In every movie, there is always room for the little guy... somebody whose role is not big enough to be considered supporting. Call it a cameo, call it a walk-on, call it a blink-and-you'll-miss-it. Here are the nominees for Best Minor Character:

Daeg Faerch as French boy Michel, Hancock
Stan Lee as himself, Iron Man
Tom Morello as Insurgent #5, Iron Man
The guy walking behind the clapping Joker, The Dark Knight
The guy on the TV in the mob room, The Dark Knight

I would like to honor the honorable mentions, but the Igor goes to..... Daeg Faerch, Hancock

Standing ovation.

CAMPBELL: Daeg couldn't be here tonight; he's out in Georgia filming the Halloween sequel, H2, and so I will accept the award on his behalf.

Standing ovation.

Subject: Re: 2009 Igor Awards... WINNERS here!

Written By: ChrisBodilyTM on 02/24/09 at 7:05 pm

NATHAN LANE: And now, to present the Award for Worst Supporting Actress, please welcome screen legends Morgan Freeman and James Earl Jones!

Standing ovation. The two legendary actors appear on stage in front of the podium.

JAMES EARL JONES: When I was asked to co-present, with my good friend Morgan Freeman, the Worst Supporting Actress Igor, I was very eager to say the least. These five performances were utterly dreadful, and the time has coem to dishonor them.

MORGAN FREEMAN: With every good supporting actress comes a horrible supporting actress or a distracting or miscast supporting actress. Here are the nominees for Worst Supporting Actress:

Camilla Belle, 10,000 B.C.
Clate Blanchett, Indiana Jones
Jamie Lee Curtis, Beverly Hills Chihuahua
Angelina Jolie, Kung Fu Panda
Susan Sarandon, Speed Racer

JAMES EARL JONES: And the Igor goes to... Camilla Belle, 10,000 B.C.

Boos as Camilla Belle accepts her award, smiling.

CAMILLA BELLE: I know this performance was not on par with my brilliant performance in the remake of When a Stranger Calls, but hey, a girl's gotta make some money, right? Just be glad I didn't get a role in Paul Blart! I would liek to thank my mom, my cat, my parakeet, my --

MORGAN FREEMAN (Impersonating Steve Wilkos): Get the hell off my stage!

Everybody laughs as Camilla Belle leaves the stage. Another camera cuts to Abw Vigoda, looking somber.

ABE VIGODA: Hi, I'm Abe Vigoda. I'm (still) not dead, but sadly, these people have departed this life, and so let us look back on the movie giants we lost fron January 1, 2008 to February 22, 2009:

(SONG: "JFK Suite" by John Williams)

In Memoriam

Brad Renfro

Heath Ledger

Generalissimo Francisco Franco
Ben Chapman, actor -- Creature from the Black Lagoon

Roy Scheider

George Carlin

Bernie Mac
Generalissimo Francisco Franco
Stan Winston
Paul Newman
Richard Wright
Joan Winston, founder of the first Star Trek convention

Don Lafontaine

Gerard Damiano, director -- Deep Throat

Estelle Reiner 

Mr. Blackwell

Neil Hefti

Socks Clinton
Generalissimo Francisco Franco
Eartha Kitt
Pat Hingle
Ron Asheton
James Whitmore
Billy Powell

Richardo Mantalban

Charlton Heston

George W. Bush's presidency

Pushing Daisies

My respect for ABC

Joaquin Phoenix's sanity

Richard Gennelle, Ernie from Power Rangers

Generalissimo Francisco Franco

Pushing Daisies

Heath Ledger

In Memoriam

Subject: Re: 2009 Igor Awards... WINNERS here!

Written By: ChrisBodilyTM on 02/25/09 at 7:16 pm

MORGAN FREEMAN: And while the two of us are standing here, we might as well announce the nominnes for Worst Supporting Actor.

JAMES EARL JONES: Good idea. And the nominees are:

Osama bin Laden, Where in the World is Osama bin Laden?
John Cho, Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay
Neil Patrick Harris, Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay
Marco Khan as Sid Haig, 10,000 B.C.
Ted Nugent, Beer For My Horses
Kal Penn, Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay

MORGAN FREEMAN: And the Igor goes to...

BOTH: Marco Khan, 10,000 B.C.

JAMES EARL JONES: Marco Khan couldn't be here tonight, pending litigation from Sid Haig's attorney's, claiming that he stole the actor's look. We will accept this award on his behalf. And then award it to Sid Haig anyway.

CRYSTAL: And now, to present the Award for Best Documentary, please welcome Michael Moore!

Standing ovation. Michael Moore appears in front of the podium.

MICHAEL MOORE: I am here tonight to present an award that holds a very special place in my heart... despite the fact that I just found out fifteen minutes ago that this award even exists.


MICHAEL MOORE: (Makes a joke about George Bush's presidency finally being over)

Laughs and standing ovation.

MICHAEL MOORE: Thank you, America, for voting for Barack Obama. Thank you for helping us win our country back. We are no longer the United States of Canada... We are the United States of America.

Standing ovation.

MICHAEL MOORE: No offense to Canada, eh? These nominated documentaries range from biographies to gonzo journalism... to trapeze artists... to famous explorers... to money... and even to the making of a record-breaking smash-hit horror remake. The Nominees for Best Documentary are:

Gonzo: The Life and Work of Hunter S. Thompson
In the Footsteps of Marco Polo
Man on Wire
Michael Lives: The Making of Halloween

And the Igor goes to.... Michael Lives: The Making of Halloween!! Rob Zombie, as many of you know, is out in Georgia filming H2, so here to accept the award is somebody who doesn't really give a damn... John Carpenter!

The orchestra plays the "Halloween" theme as John Carpenter accepts his award to a standing ovation.

JOHN CARPENTER (apathetic, bored): Gee, what can I say about Halloween that hasn't already been said. This was a very in-depth documentary on a very impressive remake of my film. I'd just like to thank God... my mom... my dad... the late, great Debra Hill... the fans and general audience for seeing these movies and making me money... the fans for seeing the sequels and making me even more money, even thought I was never directly involved... Michael Myers for transcending so many generations. This is a neat award; I will pass it on to Rob when he gets back. Thank you.


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