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Subject: PUNishing pun jokes

Written By: DoRitos on 06/27/10 at 1:09 am



These are sooooo bad they are almost good if you have nothing better to
do--

1. A vulture boarded a plane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess stopped him and said, "Sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger."

2. NASA recently sent a number of Holsteins into orbit for experimental purposes. They called it the herd shot round the world.

3. Two boll weevils grew up in S. Carolina. One took off to Hollywood and became a rich star. The other stayed in Carolina and never amounted to much--and naturally became known as the lesser of two weevils.

4. Two Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they started a fire, which sank the craft, proving the old adage you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

5. A three-legged dog walks into an old west saloon, slides up to the bar and announces, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to the dentist and refused to take Novocaine? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and met in the lobby where they were discussing their recent victories in chess tournaments. The hotel manager came out of the office after an hour, and asked them to disperse. He couldn't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

8. A woman has twins, gives them up for adoption. One goes to an Egyptian family and is named "Ahmal" The other is sent to a Spanish family and is named "Juan". Years later, Juan sends his birth mother a picture of himself. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. He replies, "They're twins for Pete's sake!! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!!"

9. A group of friars opened a florist shop to help with their belfry payments. Everyone liked to buy flowers from the Men of God, so their business flourished. A rival florist became upset that his business was suffering because people felt compelled to buy from the Friars, so he asked the Friars to cut back hours or close down. The Friars refused. So the florist then hired Hugh McTaggert, the biggest meanest thug in town.  He went to the Friars' shop, beat them up, destroyed their flowers, trashed their shop, and said that if they didn't close, he'd be back.
Well, totally terrified, the Friars closed up shop and hid in their rooms. This proved that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

10. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad breath. T his made him.... what? (This is so bad it's
good...) --a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.




Subject: Re: PUNishing pun jokes

Written By: Frank on 06/27/10 at 1:17 am

Nice.
I got this exact same e-mail from a friend some 10 years ago,. still have it somewhere. That last one is the best.

Subject: Re: PUNishing pun jokes

Written By: wildcard on 06/27/10 at 1:33 am

yeah I've seen all of these somewhere.

Subject: Re: PUNishing pun jokes

Written By: gibbo on 06/27/10 at 3:04 am

Seen them ... and like them!  ;D  I need some fresh 'Dad' jokes... ;)

Subject: Re: PUNishing pun jokes

Written By: DoRitos on 06/27/10 at 8:14 am

OK - I have some more but they've been around.  I hope someone gets to read them for the first time.



These are just awful - enjoy!

1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

5. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

6. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

7. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

8. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

9. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green , Green Grass of Home'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Doc says "It's Not Unusual."

10. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

11. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

14. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

15 . I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

16 . What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

.... anonymous






Subject: Re: PUNishing pun jokes

Written By: karen on 06/27/10 at 8:20 am

I like the Tom Jones one!

Subject: Re: PUNishing pun jokes

Written By: DoRitos on 06/27/10 at 8:48 am


I like the Tom Jones one!
Anyone up for Rodney Dangerfield?  I have some of his humor.

Subject: Re: PUNishing pun jokes

Written By: wildcard on 06/27/10 at 10:28 am

love  puns  sure keep stuff coming

Subject: Re: PUNishing pun jokes

Written By: DoRitos on 06/27/10 at 10:42 am


love  puns  sure keep stuff coming




In memory of Rodney Dangerfield, one of the funniest comics ever.  Who hasn't laughed at some of his one liners.  To wit:

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.  Then we met.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection.  My yo-yo, it never came back!

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."

I tell you, with my doctor, I get no respect.  I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills."  He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

When I was a kid I got no respect.  The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.

With my dog I don't get no respect.  He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out.  He wants me to leave.

What a dog I got.  His favorite bone is in my arm!

Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

One night I came home.  I figured, let my wife come on.  I'll play it cool.  Let her make the first move.  She went to Florida.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake.  He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

My doctor told me to watch my drinking.  Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much.  Way too much.  My doctor drew blood.  He ran a tab.

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."

I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!

My father was stupid.  He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father.  He said he wanted more proof.

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap.  He was in the electric chair.

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..."

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

I had a lot of pimples too.  One day I fell asleep in a library.  I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

Last week my tie caught on fire.  Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!

I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.

One time I went to a hotel.  I asked the bellhop to handle my bag.  He felt up my wife!

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.

I'm a bad lover.  Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose.  Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married.  My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

Last night my wife met me at the front door.  She was wearing a sexy negligee.  The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over.  Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor.  It was self service.

If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying.  I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger.  That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint--a Saint Bernard!

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me.  Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

My marriage is on the rocks again.  Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up.  What's wrong with me?  He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow.  He told me to wear a brown necktie.

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy.  I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion."  He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"

I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

And we were poor too.  Why, if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with!

Subject: Re: PUNishing pun jokes

Written By: DJ Blaze on 06/27/10 at 12:32 pm

Tony the Tiger died today... they buried him in his GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRave!

Subject: Re: PUNishing pun jokes

Written By: DoRitos on 06/27/10 at 2:31 pm


Tony the Tiger died today... they buried him in his GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRave!


I'm sorry to hear about Tony's passing.  Perhaps Airfarcewon will do a eulogy parody on him.  ;D

:D  This one is just as bad as the one's I posted. 

Subject: Re: PUNishing pun jokes

Written By: wildcard on 06/27/10 at 3:35 pm

and we all seem to enjoy this stuff

yeah if I join a bridge club I'd be jumping off too

Subject: Re: PUNishing pun jokes

Written By: Howard on 06/27/10 at 6:48 pm


Tony the Tiger died today... they buried him in his GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRave!


;D

Subject: Re: PUNishing pun jokes

Written By: Foo Bar on 06/28/10 at 10:38 pm

This guy's an incorrigible punster.  Don't incorrige him.

This guy's an inveterate punster, spinelessly unable to resist a pun.  So slug him!

(Confusing inveterate for invertebrate is forgivable in the context of a pun thread.  Next up, I'm taking bets on whether anal-retentive is hyphenated or not...)

Subject: Re: PUNishing pun jokes

Written By: wildcard on 06/28/10 at 10:49 pm

^ I remember telling some spineless inveterate punster not to bug me.

Subject: Re: PUNishing pun jokes

Written By: CatwomanofV on 06/29/10 at 3:03 pm

Get thee to a punery.


Cat

Subject: Re: PUNishing pun jokes

Written By: DoRitos on 06/29/10 at 4:44 pm


Get thee to a punery.


Cat


Cat - I did, where do you think these all came from?

Subject: Re: PUNishing pun jokes

Written By: CatwomanofV on 06/29/10 at 5:12 pm


Cat - I did, where do you think these all came from?



http://www.somepeoplejugglegeese.com/images/old/uchicago/Covers-50/Get-Thee-to-a-Punnery.jpg



Cat

Subject: Re: PUNishing pun jokes

Written By: DoRitos on 06/29/10 at 7:18 pm



http://www.somepeoplejugglegeese.com/images/old/uchicago/Covers-50/Get-Thee-to-a-Punnery.jpg



Cat


Cat - Thanks for the book referral.  Are all the puns in this book as bad as what has been posted here?  With puns the worse they are the better in my book or their book or whatever. 

Subject: Re: PUNishing pun jokes

Written By: CatwomanofV on 06/30/10 at 11:36 am


Cat - Thanks for the book referral.  Are all the puns in this book as bad as what has been posted here?  With puns the worse they are the better in my book or their book or whatever. 



I don't recall ever reading THAT book but I have read several Richard Lederer books (Anguished English, More Anguished English, etc.). I laugh so hard that I almost pee my pants. I HIGHLY recommend them.



Cat

Subject: Re: PUNishing pun jokes

Written By: DoRitos on 06/30/10 at 6:09 pm



I don't recall ever reading THAT book but I have read several Richard Lederer books (Anguished English, More Anguished English, etc.). I laugh so hard that I almost pee my pants. I HIGHLY recommend them.



Cat


Cat - I'll have to check them out sometime.  I hope they are really awful.  The more awful the better.  Thanks for the ref.

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