"Standing in the park, I was wondering why a frisbee looks larger the closer it gets...then it hit me"

Stewart Francis

When I die, I want to go like my grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like all the passengers in his car.

Beware of Alphabet Grenades… if you throw them, it could spell disaster!

Tim Vine

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

I refuse to have the battle of the wits with someone who is unarmed.



Cat

I was walking down the road the other day and I saw this advert in the window that said “Television for Sale – £1- Volume Stuck On Full”. I thought: “I can’t turn that down”.

Tim Vine

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

When I die, I want to go like my grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like all the passengers in his car.



I was walking down the road the other day and I saw this advert in the window that said “Television for Sale – £1- Volume Stuck On Full”. I thought: “I can’t turn that down”.

Tim Vine



Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.


Strictly speaking, those are not one liners. :P :D ;D ;)

If I told you you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?

I bet you I could stop gambling.

Does your mother know your an a$$h0le?

Does your mother know your an a$$h0le?


No, but if she did, ABBA would be in big trouble ;D

Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.

If I told you you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?


No.

Does your mother know your an a$$h0le?


No she doesn't.

No she doesn't.
i don't think that was the right answer, howard.  :D

there are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.

Love is blind, marriage is an eye opener.

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

;D ;D ;D

The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.

One of my favorites:

Life's rough, get a helmet.

Once we had Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have Bush, no Cash and no Hope.

Tea partyers don't believe in evolution because they haven't experienced it

Tea partyers don't believe in evolution because they haven't experienced it



Close. It actually goes:

Sometimes I'm really starting to think the reason these tea party people don't believe in evolution is because they haven't been part of the process.

                                        -Lizz Winstead Comedian and co-creator of “The Daily Show”



Cat

"If it wasn't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all."  - Rodney Dangerfield

"I had to stop drinkin', cuz I got tired of waking in my car driving ninety." - Richard Pryor

a deluge of new-depression-era one liners:

""The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

They renamed Wall Street " Wal-Mart Street".

Finally, I called the Suicide Hotline and I got a call center in Pakistan and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck!"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.  They charged one and let the other one off.

Tommy Cooper

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

"I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

Nick Helm

If you want to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball.

"Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."

Tim Vine

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

Friendship is like peeing in your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.

Where would we be without Sat Nav?

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

Some of my favorites from Steven Wright.

You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? That's why I never take baths.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

Last night  I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I went to a movie theater and the sign said, "Kids Free," I said, "I'll take two boys and a girl."

I picked up a hitchhiker once and said, "So, how far did you think you were going."

I picked up another hitchhiker and said, "Put your seat belt on I want to try something; I saw it on a cartoon but I think I can do it."

My friend has a circular driveway; he can't get out.

I levitate birds but nobody cares.

I have the worlds largest seashell collection, I keep on beaches around the world; maybe you've seen it.

I picked up another hitchhiker and said, "Put your seat belt on I want to try something; I saw it on a cartoon but I think I can do it."


;D ;D ;D

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...


;D

;D



I knew the "bra inspector" would like that one.



Cat

What is the difference between medium amd rare?

Six inches is medium, nine inches is rare. ;D

So I went into this video shop, and the man asked if I'd like to rent Batman Forever - I said 'No...just for 2 hours!!!!!!'

What is the difference between medium amd rare?

Six inches is medium, nine inches is rare. ;D




This is just a TOTALLY WILD GUESS, but I think Howard is into sexual humor. Just a wild guess, out of the blue.  ::)  ::) ::)

This is just a TOTALLY WILD GUESS, but I think Howard is into sexual humor. Just a wild guess, out of the blue.  ::)  ::) ::)


got that from x rated one liners. ;)

What is the difference between medium amd rare?

Six inches is medium, nine inches is rare. ;D





That is a TWO liner.



Cat

Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.

Stress is when the mind overrides the body's basic desire to chock the living sh!t out of some @$$hole who desperately deserves it.



Cat

Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
genius. so true. and yet forgetting the question, a cat will often settle for that.

genius. so true. and yet forgetting the question, a cat will often settle for that.



I will?  ???



Cat

Stress is when the mind overrides the body's basic desire to chock the living sh!t out of some @$$hole who desperately deserves it.
Cat


Florence Nightingale is credited with that one, during a rare drunken binge.  :D

genius. so true. and yet forgetting the question, a cat will often settle for that.



I will?  ???

Cat

See, you forgot already.. ;D

^ ;D

i keep meaning to procrastinate.

^ ;D

i keep meaning to procrastinate.


http://redriverpak.files.wordpress.com/2010/11/procrastinationau9.jpg

Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

http://redriverpak.files.wordpress.com/2010/11/procrastinationau9.jpg



I was going to take a course in procrastination but I put it off.



Cat

Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. I hope they let me back in Walmart.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.