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Subject: Great One Liners

Written By: Philip Eno on 08/13/11 at 10:19 am

"Standing in the park, I was wondering why a frisbee looks larger the closer it gets...then it hit me"

Stewart Francis



Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: King Tut on 08/13/11 at 3:55 pm

When I die, I want to go like my grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like all the passengers in his car.

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: Philip Eno on 08/14/11 at 6:15 am

Beware of Alphabet Grenades… if you throw them, it could spell disaster!

Tim Vine

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: King Tut on 08/14/11 at 5:49 pm

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: CatwomanofV on 08/14/11 at 6:53 pm

I refuse to have the battle of the wits with someone who is unarmed.



Cat

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: Philip Eno on 08/15/11 at 12:38 pm

I was walking down the road the other day and I saw this advert in the window that said “Television for Sale – £1- Volume Stuck On Full”. I thought: “I can’t turn that down”.

Tim Vine

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: Howard on 08/15/11 at 1:47 pm

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: Henk on 08/15/11 at 2:05 pm


When I die, I want to go like my grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like all the passengers in his car.



I was walking down the road the other day and I saw this advert in the window that said “Television for Sale – £1- Volume Stuck On Full”. I thought: “I can’t turn that down”.

Tim Vine



Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.


Strictly speaking, those are not one liners. :P :D ;D ;)

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: danootaandme on 08/15/11 at 5:59 pm

If I told you you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: King Tut on 08/15/11 at 7:32 pm

I bet you I could stop gambling.

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: danootaandme on 08/15/11 at 7:41 pm

Does your mother know your an a$$h0le?

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: whistledog on 08/15/11 at 10:20 pm


Does your mother know your an a$$h0le?


No, but if she did, ABBA would be in big trouble ;D

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: King Tut on 08/15/11 at 10:42 pm

Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: Howard on 08/16/11 at 6:59 am


If I told you you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?


No.

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: Howard on 08/16/11 at 7:00 am


Does your mother know your an a$$h0le?


No she doesn't.

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: Tia on 08/16/11 at 8:38 am


No she doesn't.
i don't think that was the right answer, howard.  :D

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: Tia on 08/16/11 at 8:38 am

there are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: King Tut on 08/16/11 at 7:54 pm

Love is blind, marriage is an eye opener.

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: AL-B Mk. III on 08/18/11 at 3:37 pm

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: King Tut on 08/18/11 at 7:31 pm


I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

;D ;D ;D

The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: Dagwood on 08/18/11 at 11:22 pm

One of my favorites:

Life's rough, get a helmet.

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: Howard on 08/19/11 at 6:48 am

Once we had Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have Bush, no Cash and no Hope.

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: Don Carlos on 08/19/11 at 10:05 am

Tea partyers don't believe in evolution because they haven't experienced it

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: CatwomanofV on 08/19/11 at 12:39 pm


Tea partyers don't believe in evolution because they haven't experienced it



Close. It actually goes:

Sometimes I'm really starting to think the reason these tea party people don't believe in evolution is because they haven't been part of the process.

                                        -Lizz Winstead Comedian and co-creator of “The Daily Show”



Cat

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: King Tut on 08/19/11 at 3:27 pm

"If it wasn't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all."  - Rodney Dangerfield

"I had to stop drinkin', cuz I got tired of waking in my car driving ninety." - Richard Pryor

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: Tia on 08/20/11 at 1:34 pm

a deluge of new-depression-era one liners:

""The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

They renamed Wall Street " Wal-Mart Street".

Finally, I called the Suicide Hotline and I got a call center in Pakistan and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck!"

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: Philip Eno on 08/23/11 at 1:35 pm

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.  They charged one and let the other one off.

Tommy Cooper

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: King Tut on 08/23/11 at 8:38 pm

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: Philip Eno on 08/25/11 at 12:56 pm

"I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

Nick Helm

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: King Tut on 08/26/11 at 1:13 am

If you want to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball.

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: Philip Eno on 08/27/11 at 3:55 am

"Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."

Tim Vine

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: King Tut on 08/28/11 at 12:23 pm

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: Philip Eno on 08/28/11 at 4:00 pm

Friendship is like peeing in your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: Philip Eno on 08/28/11 at 4:09 pm

Where would we be without Sat Nav?

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: King Tut on 08/28/11 at 4:12 pm

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: loki 13 on 08/28/11 at 5:26 pm

Some of my favorites from Steven Wright.

You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? That's why I never take baths.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

Last night  I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I went to a movie theater and the sign said, "Kids Free," I said, "I'll take two boys and a girl."

I picked up a hitchhiker once and said, "So, how far did you think you were going."

I picked up another hitchhiker and said, "Put your seat belt on I want to try something; I saw it on a cartoon but I think I can do it."

My friend has a circular driveway; he can't get out.

I levitate birds but nobody cares.

I have the worlds largest seashell collection, I keep on beaches around the world; maybe you've seen it.

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: King Tut on 08/28/11 at 6:32 pm



I picked up another hitchhiker and said, "Put your seat belt on I want to try something; I saw it on a cartoon but I think I can do it."


;D ;D ;D

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: Howard on 08/29/11 at 7:14 am


A dyslexic man walks into a bra...


;D

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: CatwomanofV on 08/29/11 at 10:21 am


;D



I knew the "bra inspector" would like that one.



Cat

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: Howard on 08/29/11 at 12:36 pm

What is the difference between medium amd rare?

Six inches is medium, nine inches is rare. ;D

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: Philip Eno on 08/29/11 at 12:37 pm

So I went into this video shop, and the man asked if I'd like to rent Batman Forever - I said 'No...just for 2 hours!!!!!!'

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: King Tut on 08/29/11 at 12:41 pm


What is the difference between medium amd rare?

Six inches is medium, nine inches is rare. ;D




This is just a TOTALLY WILD GUESS, but I think Howard is into sexual humor. Just a wild guess, out of the blue.  ::)  ::) ::)

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: Howard on 08/29/11 at 1:23 pm


This is just a TOTALLY WILD GUESS, but I think Howard is into sexual humor. Just a wild guess, out of the blue.  ::)  ::) ::)


got that from x rated one liners. ;)

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: CatwomanofV on 08/29/11 at 2:57 pm


What is the difference between medium amd rare?

Six inches is medium, nine inches is rare. ;D





That is a TWO liner.



Cat

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: King Tut on 08/29/11 at 5:55 pm

Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: CatwomanofV on 08/29/11 at 6:01 pm

Stress is when the mind overrides the body's basic desire to chock the living sh!t out of some @$$hole who desperately deserves it.



Cat

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: Tia on 08/29/11 at 6:02 pm


Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
genius. so true. and yet forgetting the question, a cat will often settle for that.

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: CatwomanofV on 08/29/11 at 6:04 pm


genius. so true. and yet forgetting the question, a cat will often settle for that.



I will?  ???



Cat

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: King Tut on 08/29/11 at 6:08 pm


Stress is when the mind overrides the body's basic desire to chock the living sh!t out of some @$$hole who desperately deserves it.
Cat


Florence Nightingale is credited with that one, during a rare drunken binge.  :D

genius. so true. and yet forgetting the question, a cat will often settle for that.



I will?  ???

Cat

See, you forgot already.. ;D

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: Tia on 08/30/11 at 4:17 pm

^ ;D

i keep meaning to procrastinate.

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: King Tut on 08/30/11 at 4:19 pm


^ ;D

i keep meaning to procrastinate.


http://redriverpak.files.wordpress.com/2010/11/procrastinationau9.jpg

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: King Tut on 08/30/11 at 4:20 pm

Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: CatwomanofV on 08/30/11 at 5:03 pm


http://redriverpak.files.wordpress.com/2010/11/procrastinationau9.jpg



I was going to take a course in procrastination but I put it off.



Cat

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: King Tut on 08/31/11 at 6:27 pm

Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: Tia on 09/01/11 at 7:03 pm

There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. I hope they let me back in Walmart.

Subject: Re: Great One Liners

Written By: King Tut on 09/02/11 at 12:20 am

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

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