WARNING: Sexual references, content may offend.

LITTLE MISS JAILBAIT

http://www.aztecrental.com/Homeroom-Hottie.jpg

Sizing up between your legs, your legs be tweenie sized.
I wanna rub some cream over your tender 'mozzie bites'.
You're learning long division? Let me help you to 'divide'.
Just pretend we're on Play School: 'open wide and come inside'.

I'll take you out to dinner, you want a McHappy Meal.
Why, you can call me David cuz I like to 'Copperfeel'.
Girl, even though your Osh-Kosh shirt's got nothing to reveal,
I find you kiddielicious, you got 'pre-tampax' appeal.

You are my lay-by date.
But I just fail to wait.
Are you my real soul mate?
Oh, Little Miss Jail Bait.

You're gonna be my Barbie with accessories to twirl.
I'll dress you up real pretty. Start undressing me now, girl.
Have you reached double-digits yet? I'll 'double-digit' you.
You're at the perfect height, just 'say Ahhh' like good midgets do.

I'll measure you in inches so that you're 'over eighteen'.
Now here's a new doll for you, she just needs some inflating.
You're never in a bad mood, you aint yet menstruating.
Watch this film three times to be old enough for the rating.

You are my lay-by date.
But I just fail to wait.
Are you my real soul mate?
Oh, Little Miss Jail Bait.

Will you be my new play thing? Wanna see you, 'teddy bare'.
You've got such pretty pigtails, yet you prob'ly aint got hair...
You won't take candy from a stranger? Well, could I have yours?
Just sit atop my lap, my North Pole's just like Santa Claus.

You've played some tennis, but you're way too young for 'fifteen love'.
And when my hand gets cold, girl, you just fit me like a glove.
A girl scout? Well, I'll show you a new way to get 'ahead'.
You're potty trained? I'll show you a new way to wet the bed...

You are my lay-by date.
But I just fail to wait.
Are you my real soul mate?
Oh, Little Miss Jail Bait.

NOTHING RHYMES WITH ORANGE

http://nagpurcity.net/nrcc/oranges.jpg

There are some groovy words that rhyme,
Like 'serpentine' with 'turpentine'.
But then there's one I've heard declines
And spurns all rhyme... it's ORANGE!

There's tore tinge and poor pinch,
And floor flinch and ore inch,
And lore lynch and store cinch,
And claw clinch and four finch.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Hey, hey! Nothing rhymes with orange!
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Hey, hey! Nothing rhymes with orange!

There's boar binge and raw twinge,
And fore fringe and whore hinge,
And core cringe and spore singe,
And your tinge and syringe.

But none of these impinge or infringe,
On this slimy and rhymeless grinch!
Do I have to whine, repine or whinge?
Yeah, nothing rhymes... with orange!

Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Hey, hey! Nothing rhymes with orange!
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Hey, hey! Nothing rhymes with orange!

*cough*
Man, can you pass me a lozenge?

WARNING: Mild sexual references. Content may offend.

MALE BREAST CANCER:

http://www.sachsreport.com/aphex%20intelligent%20dance%20mus.jpg

I saw the doctor for a routine checkup.
He said that something was wrong with me.
What was the answer?
Male breast cancer?
Well, how the hell could that be?!

Oh, I don't even have mammaries!
Oh, the other men will laugh at me!
Oh, at my breast chemotherapy!
Oh, male breast cancer is lame!
Oh, they'll find it really humorous!
Oh, that my nipples are tumorous!
Oh, these stupid carcinoma-breasts!
Oh, male breast cancer is lame!

My tits: carcinogenic!
I feel so darn pathetic!
I can't live with the shame,
darn, male breast cancer is lame!

This sickness is ridiculous!
I would prefer testicular!
You'd think I was a dame,
darn, male breast cancer is lame!

Na na na na na
It started off malignant,
Na na na na na
But now it's in remission,
Na na na na na
I have a second chance!
Na na na na na
I've learned a painful lesson,
Na na na na na
And it has made me question,
Na na na na na
Would I look good with implants?

Oh, I don't even have mammaries!
Oh, the other men will laugh at me!
Oh, at my breast chemotherapy!
Oh, male breast cancer is lame!
Oh, they'll find it really humorous!
Oh, that my nipples are tumorous!
Oh, these stupid carcinoma-breasts!
Oh, male breast cancer is lame!

Man boobies,
Big and round.
Man boobies,
Wiggle mounds.
Man boobies,
Jiggle 'round.
Now I've got a set of man boobies!

The Pangram Song

http://bensguide.gpo.gov/images/icons/alphabet/alphabet.gif

Z, Y, X, W and V!
U, T, S, R, Q and P!
O, N, M, L, K and J!
I, H, G, F, E, D, C, B, A!
Wanna do some nerd wordplay?
Anagrammatically correct, OK?!

SPHINX! JEW!
QUARTZ VD!
LOCK! MY! BFG!

MR...
LYNX! FEW!
QUIZ TV!
JOCK! BAGS! PHD!

(repeat)

WARNING: Some language. Content may offend

BUBBLES HAS GONE TO HELL

http://www.bankonhold.com/images/ohw/fishbowl.jpg

What's the matter, Billy? Why are you looking so sad?
Your goldfish isn't moving? I think Bubbles must be dead.
But there's no need to grieve his little soul. Yes, all is well.
Cuz Bubbles was an evil f*** and so he's gone to hell!

Yeah, Bubbles has gone to hell!
Bubbles has gone to hell!
Just flush him down the toilet, watch him swirl and swirl and swirl!
Put on your black robes and ring the bell, Bubbles's knell.
Yeah, wave that evil fish farewell...
Cuz Bubbles has gone to hell!

Oh, Bubbles was a lazy fish, so perpetrated sloth!
For anger, if you prodded him he got really ticked off!
He had such beautiful gold scales, he flaunted vanity!
And since he ate until he died, he loved his gluttony!

Your goldfish was real greedy of his castle in the bowl.
And bright orange with envy over Rover the dog's ball.
Oh, Bubbles was just packed with lust in his pectoral fins...
So now that f***in' goldfish will be burning for his sins!

Yeah, Bubbles has gone to hell!
Bubbles has gone to hell!
Just flush him down the toilet, watch him swirl and swirl and swirl!
Put on your black robes and ring the bell, Bubbles's knell.
Yeah, wave that evil fish farewell...
Cuz Bubbles has gone to hell!

Rrrr!

http://www.ruegenmagic.de/Ruedi/rrr.jpg

A pleasant little pasttime is the movement of your bowel.
But we have something way more fun and quite a lot less foul!
So clear your throat of phlegmy crap and get ready to growl,
Cuz we have found a sound that uses every single vowel!

And it's: Rrrr!!!
You know ya wanna do it, come on and we can: Rrrr!!!
Put out a little louder and growl it, baby: Rrrr!!!
Now do it like a tiger or a polar bear and: Rrrr!!!
Because we love to slurrr our vowelled worrrds!

Now see how the vowel 'E' referrrs to spellings such as errr.
Inferrr, conferrr, transferrr, deterrr, preferrr and herrr and werrre!
Exerrrt, asserrrt, inserrrt, desserrrt, alerrrt, inerrrt, overrrt!
Subverrrt, inverrrt, converrrt, averrrt, perverrrt, everrrt, diverrrt!

Deserrrve, submerrrge, reserrrve, diverrrge, obserrrve, emerrrge, preserrrve!
Conserrrve, converrrge and nerrrve, emerrrge, and verrrve and merrrge and serrrve! 
There's swerrrve and verrrge and terrrm and perrrt and sperrrm and gerrrrm and verrrt!
If I'd deferrred that herrrd then I would not be a real nerrrd!

So now we have one vowel down and we got some morrre to do.
So just yell Rrrr! and we will sing some more fun slurrrs with you! 

Our next vowel is the letter 'I' which spells out groovy worrrds.
Like stirrr and squirrrt a firrr with dirrrt so sirrr can flirrrt with skirrrts!
And firrrm, infirrrm, affirrrm, confirrrm, I'm squirrrming cuz we're girrrt!
A dirrrge now for our second vowel, let's move onto the thirrrd!

Now, 'U' can purrrge a surrrge of letters urrrging you to slurrr.
Young Kurrrds are spurrred to blurrrt: "That furrr is murrrder, scurrrvy currr!"
Absurrrdist hurrrt is currrdled currrt, occurrring just in spurrrts. 
Concurrr to purrr. Demurrr a blurrr? Incurrr recurrring currrves!

Rrrr!!!
You know ya wanna do it, come on and we can: Rrrr!!!
Put out a little louder and growl it, baby: Rrrr!!!
Now do it like a tiger or a polar bear and: Rrrr!!!
Because we love to slurrr our vowelled worrrds!

Sometimes the 'E' and 'U' will merrrge together! Oui, monsieurrr.
Entrepeneurrr, restaurateurrr, these worrrds are French for surrre.
Liqueurrr, chaufferrr and connoisseurrr and sabateurrr? Mon deiu!
We've used up all the 'EU' Rrrrs, (except for Libra Fleurrr!) 

So what about the other vowels left over, 'O' and 'A'?
You wOrrrm! Man, have you heArrrd a single wOrrrd I've had to say?
You scOurrrge of dumbness, you'rrre an hors d'OOOeuvre at a chump buffet!
Go frrr your mrrr-rrr sideways, drrrhead frrr-rrr--rrr! Ole! 

You make me grrr because there is one more letter to try.
Our sneaky little constonant-yet-vowel: the letter 'Y'.
Now even with a heart of gold, old Frank's incensed with MYRRRH.
And that has wrapped up all the slurrring of our worrrds right thurrr!

Rrrr!!!
You know ya wanna do it, come on and we can: Rrrr!!!
Put out a little louder and growl it, baby: Rrrr!!!
Now do it like a tiger or a polar bear and: Rrrr!!!
Because we love to slurrr our vowelled worrrds!

RRRrrrock on!

MAIL-ORDER WEDDING

http://russianbridesworld.com/img/Mail-order-bride-06-profit.jpg

A wedding is a grand occasion of requited love,
But it involves a lot of costly fees. (Costly fees!)
And so I hit the net to find a cheap alternative,
By ordering a bride from overseas. (Overseas!)

They had some smashing bargains when it came to nuptial plans,
Their deals were simply too good to resist. (To resist!)
I bought mail order briiidesmaids, grooomsmen and in-laws,
And a bunch of other people to assist. (To assist!)

The bridesmaids came with matching-coloured outfits, in a set.
The groomsmen were handpicked from a brochure. (A brochure!)
My flower-girl arrives in 12 to 14 working days,
The label says 'some settling may occur'. (May occur!)

The sobbing-ladies-in-big-hats were each sold seperately,
The fussy-kids-that-fidget look quite nice. (Look quite nice!)
For each inebriated-uncle-who-hits-on-my-bride,
I get a scowling-aunty for half price. (For half price!)

The preist is being shipped by freight from somewhere in Tibet,
The ushers were dirt cheap from Vietnam. (Vietnam!)
My postal box has been remade to measure 8 by 10,
And I could start collecting all these stamps. (All these stamps!)

A wedding is a grand occasion of requited love.
But it involves a lot of costly fees. (Costly fees!)
And so I hit the net to find a cheap alternative,
And bought a wedding cheap from overseas. (Overseas!)

WARNING: Mild sexual seferences.

I'M LEARNING TO READ BRAILLE

http://www.att-group.com/images/braille.jpg

Literature at my fingertips,
I'm learning to read braille.
Yeah, most new books are digital,
I'm learning to read braille.

I read a racy feature on a condom that was ribbed,
And had some fun perusing bubble-wrap.
My efforts to skim over a cheese-grater were short-lived.
And baby's bottoms are nothing but crap.

Literature at my fingertips,
I'm learning to read braille.
Yeah, most new books are digital,
I'm learning to read braille.

The chronicles of tyre-treads just seem a little worn,
The motorway takes way too long to read.
I really did enjoy the ending on a cob of corn,
But browsing through sand-paper made me bleed.

Literature at my fingertips,
I'm learning to read braille.
Yeah, most new books are digital,
I'm learning to read braille.

Oh, I could pore through breadcrumbs in my bedsheets in the dark,
A richly textured doormat would be best.
I take my time when reading someone's figure up-and-down,
And even longer when I read abreast!

Literature at my fingertips,
I'm learning to read braille.
Yeah, most new books are digital,
I'm learning to read braille.

And now my doctor says that I've got perfect 20/20...
.../20/20/20...
.../20/20/20/20/20...
...vision!

WARNING: Censored/cryptic coarse language.

PLAY WITH ME, CHEMISTRY!

http://aspe.hhs.gov/HHSPlan/2001/images/6.4.gif

Hi, kids! I'm Iron Man!
Hi, kids! I'm Tin Man!
Hi, kids! I'm Silicon Woman!
And today we're here to have some fun with chemistry!

"There's Astatine, Arsenic, Bismuth and Neon,
Carbon and Krypton and Copper and Xenon."

What do they all have in common, kids?
That's right! Their names can all be spelled out using the chemical symbols of elements!
Wow! And look, kids, 'Iron', 'Tin' and 'Silicon' can also be spelled out using the chemical symbols of elements!
Wanna learn how to make other fun words? Sing along with us!

Mix up Arsenic with Sulfur!
(Arsenic with Sulfur!)
Argon with Selenium!
(Argon with Selenium!)
Bismuth with Technetium and Hydrogen, too!
(Bismuth with Technetium and Hydrogen, too!)

Cobalt, Carbon and Po-tass-i-um!
(Cobalt, Carbon and Po-tass-i-um!)
Sulfur mixed with Hydrogen, Iodine and Tellurium!
(Sulfur mixed with Hydrogen, Iodine and Tellurium!)
Polonium, Oxygen and Phos-phor-ous!
(Polonium, Oxygen and Phos-phor-ous!)

Play with me, Chemistry!

Hey, kids! Wasn't that fun?
Yeah! Are you ready for more?
Get ready, they're gonna get harder now!

Chlorine mixed with Oxygen, Actinium and Arsenic!
(Chlorine mixed with Oxygen, Actinium and Arsenic!)
Vanadium, Silver with Iodine and Sodium!
(Vanadium, Silver with Iodine and Sodium!)
Polonium, Radon, Oxygen and Osmium!
(Polonium, Radon, Oxygen and Osmium!)

Tungsten, Holmium and Rhenium!
(Tungsten, Holmium and Rhenium!)
Tellurium, Sulfur, Titanium,
Chlorine and Einsteinium!
(Tellurium, Sulfur, Titanium,
Chlorine and Einsteinium!)
Plutonium, Sulfur, Sulfur and Yttrium!
Lithium, Carbon, Po-tass-i-um and Erbium!
(Plutonium, Sulfur, Sulfur and Yttrium!
Lithium, Carbon, Po-tass-i-um and Erbium!)

Play with me, Chemistry!

Wow, great job, kids!
We're almost done, now!
Let's wrap it up!

Molybdenum, Thorium and Erbium,
Fluorine, Uranium... Carbon, Pot-tass-i-um and Erbium!
(Molybdenum, Thorium and Erbium,
Fluorine, Uranium...  Carbon, Po-tass-i-um and Erbium!)

Play with me, Chemistry!
F***, yeah!

WARNING: Sexual references.

I'M SCREWING YOU FOR YOUR CONVERSATION

http://www.sex-porn-xxx.net/sexy-teachers/sexy-teacher-1.jpg

Your eyes have nestled in my lap
There's pillows on your breath
Your fingers moonwalk up my thigh
And I can taste your sweat.

Your hair has wrapped around my neck
I'm kneading at your flesh
We're sucking in each others' air
I'm nestled in your chest.

Now as you slowly undulate
And claw into my back
With steam shimmering off you, girl,
Just know this simple fact...

You love to lather me in your anatomy,
But it's your smarts that I want to massage!
You've pure veracity and perspicacity,
An artful touch of cutting badinage!
And though you're oozing with such sexuality,
I give you sex for your postulations!
I only use you for your personality,
I'm screwing you for your conversation!

The walls are moaning with each thrust
We're drowning in the heat
I feel your pulse against my skin
All the way to my feet 

Your moaning's muffled by my tongue
Our bodies are entwined
But though you writhe and cry for more
There's one thing on my mind...

When can we stop this filthy sex
And let some chat commence?
Let's take a break and have some cake
And discuss world events!

Why spend all day under the sheets?
Let's go to a cafe.
I'm only screwing you because
Of what you've got to say!

You love to lather me in your anatomy,
But it's your smarts that I want to massage!
You've pure veracity and perspicacity,
An artful touch of cutting badinage!
And though you're oozing with such sexuality,
I give you sex for your postulations!
I only use you for your personality,
I'm screwing you for your conversation!

"I get the feeling you're only dating me for my intelligence."
"That's not true, honey. I totally respect the way you put out."

WARNING: Mature themes. Content may offend.

A MAN OF IMPECCABLE TASTE

http://learning.cc.hccs.edu/Members/cschweitzer/images/mrburns.jpg

Some folk feel upper-class owning a winery,
But I epitomise the term 'refinery'.
I had Princess Diana's final panties laced.
For I buy the finest of impeccable taste!

I'm rich, so it don't matter what the dollars cost.
Piano's made of ivory from the holocaust.
A set of matching lampshades and some lovely soaps.
A necklace with a tooth from all the previous popes!

Yangtze-River dolphins? Love when they're glazed...
For I'm a man of impeccable taste!
Aborted foetus paws hang from my waist...
For I'm a man of impeccable taste!
I had the last thylacine ground into paste...
For I'm a man of impeccable taste!
Mother-Mary's hymen? Got it encased...
For I'm a man of impeccable taste!

Framed the world's first nonuplets up in my bedroom,
Along with speakers that play the 'Brady Bunch' tune.
Decorate my bonsai trees with dodo feathers.
My couch is Albino Chameleon leather!

Ganesh's legs made splendid trash receptacles.
I carved fine earrings out of Buddha's testicles.
Got a vintage bottle of the blood of Jesus.
It goes quite well with mastodon-milk-based cheeses!

Yangtze-River dolphins? Love when they're glazed...
For I'm a man of impeccable taste!
Aborted foetus paws hang from my waist...
For I'm a man of impeccable taste!
I had the last thylacine ground into paste...
For I'm a man of impeccable taste!
Mother-Mary's hymen? Got it encased...
For I'm a man of impeccable taste!

THINGS I LIKE TO SMELL

http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/images/tv/humansenses/smell_tvpage.jpg

I like the smell of discarded Tic-Tac packets.
I like the smell of reheating day-old steak.
I like the smell of dressing gowns in the morning.
I like the smell of brand new urinal cakes.

Aromas and fragrances, perfumes and scents.
And odours and pungencies and redolence.
Enlighten and influence, sway and compel.
All of these are the things I like to smell.

I like the smell of warm socks out of the dryer.
I like the smell of gutters after it's rained.
I like the smell of bags from vacuum-cleaners.
I like the smell of really rusted old chains.

Aromas and fragrances, perfumes and scents.
And odours and pungencies and redolence.
Enlighten and influence, sway and compel.
All of these are the things I like to smell.

I like the smell of banana flavoured icecream.
I like the smell of petals mashed on my shoes.
I like the smell of puppies when they are sleeping,
I like the smell of water in swimming pools.

Aromas and fragrances, perfumes and scents.
And odours and pungencies and redolence.
Enlighten and influence, sway and compel.
All of these are the things I like to smell.

A Boring Song

http://cloudking.com/artists/eric-sutton/works/bored-man_l.jpg

The paint...
...is drying.

The wind...
...is blowing.

The clock...
...is ticking.

The grass...
...is growing.

Booooooooring.

Booooooooring.

Booooooooring.

Booooooooring.

The paint...
...is still drying.

The wind...
...is still blowing.

The clock...
...is still ticking.

The grass...
...is still growing.

Booooooooring.

Booooooooring.

Booooooooring.

Booooooooring.

WARNING: Sexual references. Content may offend.

APPENDIX SEX

http://www2.mc.duke.edu/depts/obgyn/ivf/images/Photos/Appendix.jpg

It started off with coitus, the sex that we all know.
And next there came some oral love, it's called fellatio.
We moved on to the foreign land and did it from behind.
But there is still one more position that we should be tryin'.

It's your appendix!
The most worthless organ in your body, yeah.
It's your appendix!
Cut it out so we can have a go down there.
It's your appendix!
Because we need to cross the final frontier!
And giving us appendix sex...
Keeps us away from your ear!

You're wearing a pearl necklace as you have a golden shower.
Who spiked the donkey punch? Let's all go felching for an hour!
You grow a tail while gerbils are spelunking through your cave.
That's such a hairy Dirty Sanchez moustache... you should shave!

But all these stupid fetishes are boring, so-and-so.
There's still one more position that we've yet to have a go...

It's your appendix!
The most worthless organ in your body, yeah.
It's your appendix!
Cut it out so we can have a go down there.
It's your appendix!
Because we need to cross the final frontier!
And giving us appendix sex...
Keeps us away from your ear!

WARNING: Censored language.

I'M CALLING

http://scandinavian-metal.de/schweden/schweden_bands/dark_tranquillity/enter-suicidal-angels.jpg

My hollow heart is being drained.
A swollen darkness fills my veins.
I swallow down the sour bane.
I'm calling out into the rain.
I'm wallowing inside my pain.
They've stolen all the pride I gained.
I'm falling now I slowly wane.
I'm calling out into the rain.

A gnawing pit within my soul,
Is sucking me into this hole.
And now my eyes are blistering cold,
I'm calling.

I'm feeling choked and so enclosed.
My mind is broken, so exposed.
My soul is cloaked within my ghost.
I'm calling.

My hollow heart is being drained.
A swollen darkness fills my veins.
I swallow down the sour bane.
I'm calling out into the rain.
I'm wallowing inside my pain.
They've stolen all the pride I gained.
I'm falling now I slowly wane.
I'm calling out into the rain.

I cannot see you through this fog inside my head.
I haven't heard a single f***ing word you've said.
I smell an acrid stench of self-defeat in me.
I've lost your touch in this wretched infinite.

And every minute here that passes is a curse.
Another moment of regret I can't reverse.
Cuz every minute that I spend locked-up in chains.
Another tear will drop away into the rain.

My hollow heart is being drained.
A swollen darkness fills my veins.
I swallow down the sour bane.
I'm calling out into the rain.
I'm wallowing inside my pain.
They've stolen all the pride I gained.
I'm falling now I slowly wane.
I'm calling out into the rain.

WARNING: Censored language. Content may offend

WHEN I DIE (acoustic freestyle)

http://discovery-experimental.com/no_justice/pages/grim_reaper_pointing.JPG

When I die, I will die spectacularly.
Leaping from the ozone layer naked and landing on the future president of Australia would be a great way to go.
I'll work on my aim.

However, If I end up hooked up on tubes and stuff after having a lameass angina attack or something, I only want my family to pull the plug after a disgusting international media circus.
Only then will they discover that I left everything in my will to the Estonian Society of Sniffing Cheeses.
"Amavi Caseus Foetidus"...you tell 'em, peeps. 

As it is inevitable that I will be world -and Mars- famous by the time I die, I want every newspaper headline to be a lameass pun, like "butt: Assassinated" or something. Every newsreader should report my death in Pig Latin, or do it normally but then make a funny anagram out of it.

Next, after having my body star in an autopsy scene for CSI:Tamworth, I want my head decapitated and cryogenically frozen onto Walt Disney's butt, so he'll be thawed out in the year 3000 and be all like "Yes! I've cheated death! Now I can harness modern
technology to live forever! Moo hoo ha ha haa!"
Then all the futuristic squid-people will be all like: "Dude, you have Brattoni stuck on your butt."

As for the remainder of my... remains... I want my organs cut out and donated to scientific research, but only if it's for creating a superhuman cyborg thingy, with giant Swiss-army hands and internet connection and stuff.
Failing that, I guess saving a sick Ethiopian kid wouldn't be too bad.
Or for feeding a starving one.

Just to save room with the rest of my stinking carcass, use my limbs as ingredients on a cooking show for cannibals.
Throw the rest into a giant blender to pour into my coffin for the open casket. 
To save the rainforest in the production of my coffin, it should only be made out of recycled MAD magazines, paper-mached together with my own semen, which I have been collecting in a large vat since my early teenage years.

My funeral shall be the best ever. I want my hearse to be a giant purple monster truck, with a lameass pun on the license plate like 'Rehrsl' or something. Also, my casket should be carried around the world like the Olympic torch before coming to rest at my final burial spot of 00'00'00 longitude and 00'00'00 latitude.
This is somewhere out where the Gulf of Guinea meets the Atlantic Ocean, hundreds of kilometres out to sea from Ghana.
I'm pretty sure there are some tiny islands there.
If not, then f***ing build some.

For my funeral procession, the following songs are to be played.
Live.
All at the same time.
"Adam's Song" by Blink 182.
"Brick" by Ben Folds.
"Everytime" by Britney Spears.
"Gone Away" by The Offspring.
"Lost For Words" by Delta Goodrem.
"Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)" by Green Day.
"Mad World" by Tears For Fears.
"My Immortal" by Evanescence.
"The Sound of White" by Missy Higgins.
"Youth of the Nation" by P.O.D.
and Eminem's "Kill You" for good measure.
...heck, just play every song sung ever. This is ME we're talking about. The service should be accompanied by every symphony in the world. If symphonies are extinct by the time of my passing, an inebriated beatboxer will suffice.
All attempts should be made to hit 'The Brown Note' by the end of the ceremony.

Furthermore, I request that my grave be adorned with high-pressure squirting carnations, or flowers that attract African Killer Bees. (Look at MY gravestone will you, f***er?)
The tomb itself must be the Sistine chapel, which is to be flown in and buried underground.
Oh s***, then it'll be underwater... screw it, I'll be dead anyway... throw in the Sphinx, the Statue of Liberty and the Eiffel Tower while you're at it.

After having Ben Stiller read a brief eugoogoly, every film maker alive should screen a commemorative 'bloopers' reel of my life.
Then get an elephant to paint my portrait by snorting paint, then sneezing.
Afterwards, feel free to throw a huge afterparty with everyone on Earth -and Mars- invited.
All guests who attend must take the time to have a slow dance with my ground-up remains.
Gifts shall be locked with me inside my tomb.
No cheques, Alex, you cheap f***.
My wife shall also be locked with me inside my tomb.
Alive.

I have no qualms with being summoned post-mortem in a high-school seance, as long as all of the teens are skimpily clad and prone to screaming and running a lot as they try and figure out the key flaw in my spiritual form to banish me with.
(I swear it ISN'T that stupid 'Truck and Trailer Friends' lullaby my mum made up.)

Let it be known, however, that if that douche John Edwards tries to contact me, I will possess him infront of his live audience.
"Hey, stop hitting yourself! Hey, stop hitting yourself!"

All profits made from commemmorative literature, poetry, theatre, art, music, interprative dance, post-modern gargling et al should go towards the Society of Smelling Cheeses.
Or the Ethiopians.
Unless they're the world superpower at the time of my death.
Then just... I dunno, blow it all on hookers, I guess.

The mourning period following my death should take 49 days, 3 hours, 51 minutes and 9 seconds.
Just because.

And so, when I die, THAT will be the best funeral ever.
Enjoy life and I'll see you all later in limbo, folks.

"..."

http://www.subgenius.com/bigfist/fun/devivals/Euro-SubTour2004/7Brighton/images/Euro7030-Mute-Stencil.jpg

... ... ...
... ... ...
... ... ...
... ... ...
(That's right!)

... ... ...
... ... ...
... ... ...
... ... ...
(But only on Wednesdays!)

... ... ...
(Yeah, he's a mute!)
... ... ...
(Yeah, the son of a mime!)
... ... ...
(Yeah, he's a mute!)
... ... ...
(Yeah, he's dumb all the time!)

... ... ...
... ... ...
... ... ...
... ... ...
(And the camels, too!)

... ... ...
... ... ...
... ... ...
... ... ...
(Watch your mouth!)

... ... ...
(On a double-decker bus!)
... ... ...
(Don't touch the green one!)
... ... ...
(Cuz it gets too heavy!)
... ... ...
(Sing it, my soundless brutha!)

... ... ...
(Yeah, he's a mute!)
... ... ...
(Yeah, the son of a mime!)
... ... ...
(Yeah, he's a mute!)
... ... ...
(Yeah, he's dumb all the time!)

(Oooooh!)
... ... ...
(Ooh bop bop!)
... ... ...
(Oooooh!)
... ... ...
(Break it down now!)

... ... ...
... ... ...
... ... ...
... ... ...
(Oh!)

... ... ...
... ... ...
... ... ...
... ... ...
(Uh-huh!)

... ... ...
... ... ...
... ... ...
... ... ...
(Yeah!)

... ... ...
... ... ...
... ... ...
... ... ...
(I'll have two of those!)

... ... ...
(Yeah, he's a mute!)
... ... ...
(Yeah, the son of a mime!)
... ... ...
(Yeah, he's a mute!)
... ... ...
(Yeah, he's dumb all the time!)

WARNING: Censored/cryptic coarse language.
PLAY WITH ME CHEMISTRY


I have nothing to add other than that... I wish I'd thought of doing this in high school.  Quite possibly the most fun since Tom Leherer's "The Elements". 

Seriously, thanks for posting that.  Made my day.  And purchase list.

WARNING: Sexual references. Content may offend.

MY SPECIAL GIRL

A handicapable young lass,
Huge im-pair-ments and a great a**.
I lather her crutch up with oil.
Oh yeah, she is my special girl.
I take her out to every place,
Cuz I'm ensured a parking space.
Got half the syndromes in the world,
Oh yeah, she is my special girl.

My lover girl was born with double joints,
It's quite amazing where her legs can point.
She lactates due to pseudocyesis,
It's thirsty work fixing her prosthesis!

She may be blind but she was quick to see,
A fun use for her walking stick and me.
She's got quite a case of Tourette's syndrome,
I love her dirty talk in the bedroom.

My girlfriend loves to be down on her knees,
Makes good use of her Parkinson's disease.
It doesn't bother me that she can't hear,
As I yell her sister's name in her ear.

A handicapable young lass,
Huge im-pair-ments and a great a**.
I lather her crutch up with oil.
Oh yeah, she is my special girl.
I take her out to every place,
Cuz I'm ensured a parking space.
Got half the syndromes in the world,
Oh yeah, she is my special girl.

She has a sensitive epidermis,
So creams her face with my Aloe-Spermis.
Her self-esteem sometimes needs a boosting,
I make her the star of my home movies .

She's lactose intolerant, makes her sick.
I guess it's more whipped cream for me to lick.
Her epilepsy has perfect timing,
She's simply fantastic when she's writhing.

I love her cute split personalities,
A 'schoolgirls, cops and nurses' malady.
Her eating disorder? I don't mind it.
She just requires a high-protein diet.

A handicapable young lass,
Huge im-pair-ments and a great a**.
I lather her crutch up with oil.
Oh yeah, she is my special girl.
I take her out to every place,
Cuz I'm ensured a parking space.
Got half the syndromes in the world,
Oh yeah, she is my special girl.

A chronic asthmatic, her red nose has
Saved me half a fortune in red roses.
Her amnesia's a blessing in disguise.
"Of course we went to the opera last night."

A family history of cancerous breasts,
So each day my fingers inspect her chest.
Her narcolepsy is just so sublime,
Cuz we both fall asleep at the same time.

My girlfriend is quite special as you see.
But only one of her flaws bothers me.
I'm gonna have to dump this old dame, yeah,
Talk about a case of nymphomania!

A handicapable young lass,
Huge im-pair-ments and a great a**.
I lather her crutch up with oil.
Oh yeah, she is my special girl.
I take her out to every place,
Cuz I'm ensured a parking space.
Got half the syndromes in the world,
Oh yeah, she is my special girl.


Whoa.. it's not the sexual references that are offensive.  :o

WARNING: Crude humour.

LIMERICK

http://www.nettxtra.no/limericks/lim.gif

There once was a group of lame mimics,
Who only got by with lame gimmicks.
So to be avant garde,
They hope you haven't heard,
Of a band who plays songs that are limericks.

We wanna be really unique, see.
But women still call us all geeky.
Live at home with our folks,
So you groan at our jokes.
Man, Brattoni is so freakin' freaky.

Our music is hardly a new style.
Our dancing manouevres aint nubile.
Unoriginal songs,
Hunting midgets in thongs?
Any search here for substance is futile!

There once was a group of lame mimics,
Who only got by with lame gimmicks.
So to be avant garde,
They hope you haven't heard,
Of a band who plays songs that are limericks.

We wanna be famous and wealthy,
But sadly we're heinous and filthy.
All our tunes are debased,
What a total disrgace.
Does a yodelling anus sound healthy?

The band is Siamese Ellipses,
Tipsy men, like darn sleazy gypsies.
This lame trio of Lukes,
Makes us all wanna puke,
More gross than lyme-disease in striptease.

There once was a group of lame mimics,
Who only got by with lame gimmicks.
So to be avant garde,
They hope you haven't heard,
Of a band who plays songs that are limericks.

THE 8TH WONDER

http://www.cnn.com/TRAVEL/DESTINATIONS/9705/seven.wonders/main.map.jpg

There's the Great Pyramid of Giza,
The Statue of Zeus of Olympia.
There's the Hanging Gardens of Babylon,
The Lighthouse of Alexandria.

There' the Temple of Artemis at Ephesus,
The Colossus of Rhodes.
The Mausoleum at Halicarnassus,
For number eight we chose…

Persepolis' Throne Hall,
London with Big Ben.
China has it's long Great Wall.
And then there is Stonehenge.

The Great Barrier Reef, the Opera House.
Mount Rushmore in South Dakota.
The Panama and the Suez Canals.
Angkor Wat in Cambodia.

The Incan city Machu Picchu,
The Leaning, Eiffel and Petronas Towers.
Rio's Cristo Redentor Statue.
Kilimanjaro, Everest and Fuji Mountains.

The Empire State,
Niagara Falls.
The Golden Gate,
And the Taj Mahal.

A Dam and Canyon in Arizona,
Athens with its Pathenon.
The great volcano Krakatoa,
Rome with the Colosseum.

There's the Great Pyramid of Giza,
The Statue of Zeus of Olympia.
There's the Hanging Gardens of Babylon,
The Lighthouse of Alexandria.

There' the Temple of Artemis at Ephesus,
The Colossus of Rhodes.
The Mausoleum at Halicarnassus,
For number eight… who knows?

WARNING: Censored/foreign profanity. Content may offend.

A KUNA LAMBADA 

http://www.anbg.gov.au/images/flags/aboriginal.gif

OK, I want all you indigenous peeps here to sing along with me.
Uh-huh, raise those mellanin-packed hands in the air.
It's the kuna lambada...
 
If you speak Gooniyandi, let me hear you say:
Gardiya ngab roo! Gardiya ngab roo!
If you speak Diyari, let me hear you say:
Walypala thayi-rna kuna! Walypala thayi-rna kuna!
 
If you speak Murrinh-Pata, let me hear you say:
Bamam ath ngulein! Bamam ath ngulein!
If you speak Kaurna, let me hear say:
Ngarra meyu ngarkondi kuna! Ngarra meyu ngarkondi kuna!

Yeah, white man eats s***.
Uh-huh, white man eats s***.
Yeah, white man eats s***.
Uh-huh, white man eats s***.

If you speak Wiradjuri, let me hear you say:
Gabaa dhal guunang! Gabaa dhal guunang!
If you speak Nyungar, let me hear you say
Wadjala ngarn kuna! Wadjala ngarn kuna!
 
If you speak the Sydney Language, let me hear you say:
Dyirra mula bada guni! Dyirra mula bada guni!
If you speak Paakantyi, let me hear you say:
Puurri thayi kuna! Puurri thayi kuna!
 
Yeah, white man eats s***.
Uh-huh, white man eats s***.
Yeah, white man eats s***.
Uh-huh, white man eats s***.

If you speak Wembawemba, let me hear you say:
Watypala tyaka kunenyuk! Watypala tyaka kunenyuk!
If you speak Bundjalung, let me hear you say:
Dagay ja gunang! Dagay ja gunang!
 
If you speak Wik-Mungkan, let me hear you say:
Kaa'pach mungkana kun! Kaa'pach mungkana kun!
If you speak Yindjiburndi, let me hear you say:
Mithi ngarrgu gunang! Mithi ngarrgu gunang!

Yeah, white man eats s***.
Uh-huh, white man eats s***.
Yeah, white man eats s***.
Uh-huh, white man eats s***.

If you speak Ngiyampaa, let me hear you say:
Kuuy thali thaka! Kuuy thali thaka!
If you speak Torres-Strait Creole, let me hear you say:
Waitman makam kuma! Waitman makam kuma!

If you speak Meryam Mir, let me hear say:
Kole ereg wanta! Kole ereg wanta!
If you speak Datiwuy, let me hear you say:
Gamununggu nyakthun gula! Gamununggu nyakthun gula!

Yeah, white man eats s***.
Uh-huh, white man eats s***.
Yeah, white man eats s***.
Uh-huh, white man eats s***.
 
White man eats s***.
White man eats s***.
White man eats s***.
White man eats s***.

WARNING: Crude humour. Content may offend.

MUSINGS

http://www.art.net/~starhawk/ponder.jpg

They say that a cat always lands on its feet.
And toast always lands on its buttered side.
So I decided to tape a slice of buttered toast on the back of my cat and throw it out the window to see what happened.
Unfortunately my cat wouldn't hold still for me to tape the toast on.
It was about this time I began thinking that it's probably every animal's instinct to land on their feet if they're falling.
And that toast thing probably came about because there's only enough time for it to rotate 180 degrees when knocked off the height of a kitchen bench or table.
So I gave up on my cat and ate the piece of toast.

I love my family alot.
That's why I have sex with them so often.

I bought a packet of water crackers the other day.
I went to open the box but it said 'Open other end.'
So I turned the box around and guess what it had written on the other end?
'Open here.'
I thought 'that makes sense' and opened the box. But then I realised that eating water crackers was against my religion and I was standing on an iceberg naked being eaten by a polar bear.

I've always wanted children, but I hear society frowns on that sort of thing nowadays.

Sometimes I wonder what sort of film snakes would make.
It'd be pretty difficult for them, seeing as they don't have hands to operate any of the cameras or editing equipment.
And the actors would probably just slither around eating each other.
I guess that's why humans make films instead.
They don't eat each other and they have hands.

I've heard that if you pour green food colouring into a fish tank, your goldfish will start to turn green.
And yet icecream is made up of about 80% frozen air.
That's justice for you.

I was playing snooker with Michael Jackson the other day when...
...actually, I wasn't.

If everyone in the world yelled 'Hello?' at the same time, do you think God would hear it?
... well, I guess not everyone speaks English.
... and some people can't even talk at all.
... and it would be difficult to arrange for everyone in the world to be awake at the same time.
... and I guess it would be a nuisance for surgeons and the like to have to interrupt their work.
...and it would be nearly impossible for six and a half billion people to yell 'Hello?' in perfect unison.
Man, what a stupid idea.
Let's go to the supermarket.

Is it possible for a priest, an Irishman and a hooker to walk into a pub without anything funny happening?

I like kids with Down Syndrome, they're like dolphins.
They all go around with an adorable grin and a cheerful demeanour.
I think all of our problems would be solved if we just rounded up all kids in the world with Down Syndrome and made them dance. With dolphins.

Have you ever looked up at a perfectly clear sky at night, when all you could hear was a soft rustling as the breeze caressed your face... and felt like you were slowly falling through a timeless, infinite void of nothingness?
I haven't.
I like to play Tetris.

You know how the black box survives a plane crash?
Well, why don't they make the whole plane out of the material they use for the black box?
...I guess there are a number of reasons.
Cost would be one of them.
Aerodynamics could be another, seeing they'd have to compensate for the weight difference.
And I guess it's the safety principle of cars being designed to crumple on impact.
The whole idea of using the material they do is that it lessens the damage done to humans by the plane taking most of the impact.
If the plane was made out of black box material, the crash would shake up all of the passengers like eggs in a tin can.
So I guess that's why they don't make planes out of the black box material.
That, and the fact that the government is run by Martian zombies.

What's the deal with aeroplane food?
How hard can it be to feed hundreds of passengers, with limited space for resources, a high-quality meal every few hours?

I was walking out in the country one day when I saw this five-year-old girl leading a bull through a paddock by a rope.
I leaned over the fence and asked her what she was doing.
She replied that she was taking the bull to mate with the cows.
I asked her: "Can't your daddy do that?"
She said: "Yes, but then the calves come out all deformed."
Then she went on to explain how they have to insert various steel implements into the cow's vagina to bash in the skull of the deformed foetus before slicing it up and dragging the pieces out of the uterus one by one.
Then she seized the bull's throat with her teeth and throttled it to death before tearing strips of raw flesh out of its stomach.
Then she stuck her head in a rabbit trap.
I stood there for a moment, somewhat dumbstruck, then thought: "Why put the rest of that meat to waste?"
So I ate her.

What do you get if you cross a bikie gang with an octopus?
I guess that depends on your definition of 'cross'.
Or 'what' or 'get' or any of the other words, for that matter.
Now, where's my handkerchief?

I find it truly mind boggling how, despite their infinite cuteness, every now and then I get the urge to kick babies.

WARNING: Cryptic profanity.

A CROSS TICK

http://www.patrickhughes.co.uk/images/slyce/24_2.jpg

Look, A Cross Tick. A Tick Enraged.
Listen, A Cross Tick. A Tick In Outrage Now.
Look, A Cross Tick. A Tick Enraged.
Listen, A Cross Tick. A Tick In Outrage Now.

Somewhere Here Is Truth.
Somehwere Lies Unadulterated Truth.
Closure, Reality And Peace.
For Us Comes Knowledge.

Truth Is True Silence.
Being Alone, Lost, Listen: Silence.
Always, Never Under Silence.
Bringing Us Together To Openly Communicate Knowledge. Silence.

Songs Use Crafted Knowledge
Many Years
After Seeing Something.
Yet, Only Uttering
These Words Accomplishes Truth.

Look, A Cross Tick. A Tick Enraged.
Listen, A Cross Tick. A Tick In Outrage Now.
Look, A Cross Tick. A Tick Enraged.
Listen, A Cross Tick. A Tick In Outrage Now.

Searching In A Maze, Eternally Searching Everyone.
Everyone Looking Lost In Paradise, Souls Eternally Searching.
Searching Under Countless Knowledge.

Loss, It Can Kill.
Murderous Yearnings.
Pretty Uncomfortable, Someone Stabbing You.
Yesterday Opens Understanding.
Bring About Something That Assists Repairing Dreams Soon.

Another Crappy Rhyme. Open Sesame Time. I'm Crime Slime.
Another Rhyme Explodes.
Freeing Open Roads.
For A Golden Song.

Look, A Cross Tick. A Tick Enraged.
Listen, A Cross Tick. A Tick In Outrage Now.
Look, A Cross Tick. A Tick Enraged.
Listen, A Cross Tick. A Tick In Outrage Now.

WARNING: Crude humour.

I'M GONNA GET SOME TAMPONS

http://www.boots.com/images/nav/2867/10753/16776.jpg

I wanna be like those cool girls,
Who are in the tampon ads.
I'd do everything in the whole world,
And have a lot of real cute friends.

I don't feel any bloatin'
I don't feel any crampin'
I don't feel any blood loss
But I'm gonna get some tampons!

I wanna scale the highest mountain,
I wanna be a champion.
I wanna swim the longest river,
So I'm gonna get some tampons!

I wanna run the marathon,
I wanna go out campin'.
I wanna travel overseas,
So I'm gonna get some tampons!

I wanna be like those cool girls,
Who are in the tampon ads.
I'd do everything in the whole world,
And have a lot of real cute friends.

My spirits are real low,
And my social life has dampened.
But all that's gonna change,
After I get me some tampons!

They make a lovely cup of tea,
If you're a thirsty vampire.
To make me hip and rad to chicks,
I'm gonna get some tampons!

Ohh... on the tampon ads,
The menstrual fluid is blue...ooo...ooo!
All of the cool chicks buy them,
And so I want some too...ooo...ooo!

Easy to insert!
Flexible and light!
Extra absorbent!
Wear 'em day and night!

I wanna be like those cool girls,
Who are in the tampon ads.
I'd do everything in the whole world,
And have a lot of real cute friends.

WARNING: Sexual references.

MR 'DON'T WALK' MAN

http://www.acclaimimages.com/_gallery/_SM/0017-0405-1605-4256_SM.jpg

Will you ever find love, Mr 'Don't Walk' Man?
Will you get with the figure from the ladies' bathroom door?
Will you ever find love, Mr 'Don't Walk' Man?
Guess the lollipop lady is too much of a whore.

Mr 'Don't Walk' Man,
You look so cute,
Whenever you flash me,
In your hot red suit.

Mr 'Don't Walk' Man,
On the public route,
I love it when you flash me,
In your hot red suit.

Will you ever find love, Mr 'Don't Walk' Man?
Can the 'No Diving' chick really defy gravity?
Will you ever find love, Mr 'Don't Walk' Man?
Found a lover from the sign for 'Max Capacity'?

Mr 'Don't Walk' Man,
You look so cute,
Whenever you flash me,
In your hot red suit.

Mr 'Don't Walk' Man,
With your beep and toot,
I love it when you flash me,
In your hot red suit.

I'm waiting for you here, Mr 'Don't Walk' Man.
When, oh when, oh when will you be mine?
Ignore my little brother, Mr 'Don't Walk' Man.
Come and join me on the 'Children's Crossing' Sign!

Mr 'Don't Walk' Man... you say that I'm too young.
I think you're just being mean!
Mr 'Don't Walk' Man... you say that I'm too young.
But my speed limit's over sixteen!
Mr 'Don't Walk' Man... you say that I'm too young.
Well then, if you aint that keen...
I never liked your outfit,
I prefer a man in green!

Mr 'Walk Now' Man,
You look so cute,
Whenever you flash me,
In your cool green suit.

Mr 'Walk Now' Man,
I gave 'Don't Walk' the boot.
Come over and flash me,
With your cool green suit.

LET'S ALL GET PIERCED

http://www.chilloutzone.de/blog/images/really_pierced.jpg

Got more holes than cheese that's Swiss.
Makes me look strong and fierce.
Aim that javelin- don't miss!
Come on now, let's all get pierced!
Studs tangle when we French kiss.
Earlobe's one giant abyss.
Skewered? Punctured? Let's do this!
Come on now, let's all get pierced!

I have staples in my scalp,
Got a pitchfork through my nose.
There are padlocks in my knees,
And some toothpicks in my toes.

My nipples are penholders,
Got ball bearings in my chin.
Three chopsticks through my left ear,
In my right's a curtain ring.

Got more holes than cheese that's Swiss.
Makes me look strong and fierce.
Aim that javelin- don't miss!
Come on now, let's all get pierced!
Studs tangle when we French kiss.
Earlobe's one giant abyss.
Skewered? Punctured? Let's do this!
Come on now, let's all get pierced!

A chain is in my navel,
It's hooked to my lower lip.
A pulley in my elbow,
I got linked up to my hip.

I have some bolts in my neck,
There are bullclips on my eye.
I hook wire through my shoulders,
To hang my clothes out to dry.

My butt is a pin cushion,
Safety pins fill my knuckles.
My mobile phone has a clip,
To hang from my c*** buckle.

Got more holes than cheese that's Swiss.
Makes me look strong and fierce.
Aim that javelin- don't miss!
Come on now, let's all get pierced!
Studs tangle when we French kiss.
Earlobe's one giant abyss.
Skewered? Punctured? Let's do this!
Come on now, let's all get pierced!

WARNING: Censored profanity. Content may offend.

BIBLE BASH YOU

http://www.tigermad.com/images/ot179.jpg

You b****es better quit wit' your snide-a** banter,
Or I'll get you acquainted with Isaiah's chapters.
Beat you down with Jebediah, Esther,
Shut the f*** up or I'll Bible Bash you!
You b****es better quit wit' your idle chatter,
Or I'll get you acquainted with some Titus chapters.
Beat you down then strike and thrash you,
Shut the f*** up or I'll Bible Bash you!

You snigger and giggle at us like we're losers,
You want your a** covered in Hebrew-ses?
I'll f*** you up, motherf***ing pagans.
I'll bash your face in with these Bible pages.

You laugh at me cuz of my belief?
I'ma ram this f***er through your teeth.
Paper cut your f***ing throat and slash you,
Keep your jaws a-flappin' and I'll Bible Bash you.

You b****es better quit wit' your snide-a** banter,
Or I'll get you acquainted with Isaiah's chapters.
Beat you down with Jebediah, Esther,
Shut the f*** up or I'll Bible Bash you!
You b****es better quit wit' your idle chatter,
Or I'll get you acquainted with some Titus chapters.
Beat you down then strike and thrash you,
Shut the f*** up or I'll Bible Bash you!

I'd like to hear your clever quips,
While this book spine pummels your f***ing ribs.
You'll eat your words and Yahweh's too,
Cuz I'll stuff these pages down your throat.

Yeah, I got the force of the Lord here wit' me,
To help me puncture your f***ing kidneys.
Mash and smash and gash and lash yas,
Trash and bash you f***ing a**holes.

You b****es better quit wit' your snide-a** banter,
Or I'll get you acquainted with Isaiah's chapters.
Beat you down with Jebediah, Esther,
Shut the f*** up or I'll Bible Bash you!
You b****es better quit wit' your idle chatter,
Or I'll get you acquainted with some Titus chapters.
Beat you down then strike and thrash you,
Shut the f*** up or I'll Bible Bash you!

I HATE REMIXES (DJ Misnomer Remix)

http://dj.dom.free.fr/Winnie%20the%20DJ%20(cartoon)%20-%20800x600.jpg

They just use random excerpts.
(excerpts... excerpts... excerpts... excerpts...)
Of a fairly decent song.
(song... song... song... song...)
They add in a lame echo.
(echo... echo... echo... echo...)
And then make it really long.

And then it's 16 bars...
And then it's 16 bars...
And then it's 16 bars...
And then it's 16 bars...

With minor adjustments...
With minor adjustments now and then...
With minor adjustments...
With minor adjustments now and then...

Then they play the chorus tune, (tune... tune...)
But the melody is all frigged up. (frigged up... frigged up...)
With techno percussion it's just ruined. (ruined... ruined...)
Man, I hate remixes. (mixes... mixes...)
Man, I hate re-

Cut off!
They'll sometimes cut off words...
And they'll repeat...
They'll repeat the same verse.

And then it's 16 bars...
And then it's 16 bars...
And then it's 16 bars...
And then it's 16 bars...

With minor adjustments...
With minor adjustments now and then...
With minor adjustments...
With minor adjustments now and then...

Then they play the chorus tune, (tune... tune...)
But the melody is all frigged up. (frigged up... frigged up...)
With techno percussion it's just ruined. (ruined... ruined...)
Man, I hate remixes. (mixes... mixes...)
Man, I hate remixes.

(Now here's the part,
For the DJ to speak.
In a lame distorted robot voice.
What a pitiful geek.)

And then they...
And then they edit out.
And then they...
And then they edit out random words.

And ... they.
... then they.
And then ...
And then they edit... edit... edit out...

Random random random random
Random random random random
Random random random random
Random random random random

Then they play the chorus tune,
(Random random random random)
But the melody is all frigged up.
(Random random random random)
With techno percussion it's just ruined.
(Random random random random)
Man, I hate remixes.
(Random random random random)
Man, I hate re...

Man, I hate re...
Man, I hate re...
Man, I hate re...
Man, I hate re...
Re... re... re... remixes.

Especially when...
Especially when they...
Especially when...
They finish with the DJ drawing out a distorted final
woooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrd.

MONOTREMES

http://photo-origin.tickle.com/image/61/1/4/O/61142502O572685366.jpg

Monomonomonomono
Monomonomonomono
Monomonomonomono
Monomonomonomono

The platypus and the echidna both are mammals.
(Shoop shoop. Shoop shh-wah.)
The platypus and the echidna both have pouches.
(Shoop shoop. Shoop shh-wah.)
The platypus and the echidna both lay eggs.
(Shoop shoop. Shoop shh-wah.)
The platypus and the echidna both appear on our currency.
(Shoop shoop. Shoop shh-wah.)

But if there are two of them,
Why aren't they called Ditremes?
Monomonomonotremes.
Monomonomonotremes.

Yeah, if there are two of them,
Why aren't they called Duotremes?
Monomonomonotremes.
Monomonomonotremes.

Oh, if there are two of them,
Why aren't they called Bitremes?
...
...
...oh, I guess that one sounds a bit gay.

They're both marsupials.
On land or in a river.
One's covered in spines,
The other's a duck head on a beaver.

They're both Australian.
They both eat native grub.
One's diet is ants,
I'm not sure 'bout the other one.

But if there are two of them,
Why aren't they called Ditremes?
Monomonomonotremes.
Monomonomonotremes.

Yeah, if there are two of them,
Why aren't they called Duotremes?
Monomonomonotremes.
Monomonomonotremes.

Oh, if there are two of them,
Why aren't they called Bitremes?
...
...
...oh, I guess that one sounds a bit gay.

Monotremes, oh what a scream.
Down in the ground or in a stream.
Monotremes, they fill my dreams,
Of cross-breeding the two together to create the ultimate in monotreme technology, capable of infiltrating enemy territory via both land and water, using a powerful platypus tail to defend itself whilst being covered in a protective armour of giant echidna quills... oh, and it'd also shoot out eggs filled with explosive chemicals with a range of fifty metres and pinpoint accuracy.
...
...
... cuz that'd be, like, cool and stuff. We could call them 'triremes'.

Monomonomonomono
Monomonomonomono
Monomonomonomono
Monomonomono monotremes!

WARNING: Sexual references.

HENTAI SCHOOLGIRL FETISH

http://www.prose-n-poetry.com/images/anime/sailor_moon/Sailor_Moon-13.jpg

I love to see you jiggle,
As you skip along and giggle.
Oh, your skirt lifts with the breeze,
Whenever you're down on your knees.
And though my thoughts are hellish,
And I'm eyeing you with relish,
Need I go on and embellish?
Got a hentai schoolgirl fetish.

You fight and know you'll win it,
Spinning at twelve-frames-per-minute.
And I love it when you punt,
Because you squeal and moan and grunt.
And though my thoughts are hellish,
And I'm eyeing you with relish,
Need I go on and embellish?
Got a hentai schoolgirl fetish.

You wear a see-through shirt,
And grip your Bo Staff real tight.
You wear an inch of skirt,
But have legs 4/5ths your height.

Every minute you'll twirl,
For a flash of panty-white,
My anime schoolgirl,
Loving you just feels so right.

Your eyeballs are quite large,
And you're always smiling bright.
Girl, how much would you charge,
To rent you out for the night?

I love to see you jiggle,
As you skip along and giggle.
Oh, your skirt lifts with the breeze,
Whenever you're down on your knees.
And though my thoughts are hellish,
And I'm eyeing you with relish,
Need I go on and embellish?
Got a hentai schoolgirl fetish.

You fight and know you'll win it,
Spinning at twelve-frames-per-minute.
And I love it when you punt,
Because you squeal and moan and grunt.
And though my thoughts are hellish,
And I'm eyeing you with relish,
Need I go on and embellish?
Got a hentai schoolgirl fetish.

Beat me, girl.
Spin and twirl.
Batter me.
Sweat for me.

Beat me, girl.
Rock my world.
Batter me.
Battle me.

THE DERRIERE WORDS

http://content.answers.com/main/content/wp/en/thumb/a/a6/150px-Buttocks1.jpg

azygous.
byword.
czardas.
dzo.

They're the derriere words.
The derriere words.

eyrie.
fynbos.
gyre.
hysterotomy.

They're the derriere words.
The derriere words.

izzard.
juxtapose.
kyphosis.
lytic.

They're the derriere words.
The derriere words.

mzungu.
nystatin.
ozonosphere.
pyxis.

They're the derriere words.
The derriere words.

qwerty.
ryot.
syzygy.
tzitzith.

They're the derriere words.
The derriere words.

uxorious.
vying.
wyvern.
xystus.

They're the derriere words.
The derriere words.

yurt.
zzz.
They're the derriere words.
The derriere words, yeah.

They're the derriere words.
The derriere words.

WARNING: Censored profanity, sexual references.

RELATIONS WITH RELATIONS

http://www.caricaturist.co.uk/images/Prince%20Charles%20Blur.jpg

I gobble up Philadelphia cheese.
And I have filmed Sister Act 3.
Insist incest's our ancestral interest.
"Who's your daddy?" Take a guess.

I love to touch-up my cousin's crotch here.
But I'd rather suckle my father's **** yeah.
I got my brothers under the covers.
That's right, I'm a m*****f***ing m*****f***er.

Uncles and aunts, Granny and Gramps,
Relations with relations!
Fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers,
Relations with relations!
Getting in each other's genes,
Relations with relations!
Fruit don't fall far from our family tree,
Relations with relations!

Why is filial sex a sin?
We're merely with our next of kin.
Our lovin's hot like Mexican,
Triangles? We have hexagons!

Oh, each of us was born 'nbred.
My sister's got an extra head.
Our family sleeps in the same bed,
Cuz royal seeds can't be far spread!

Uncles and aunts, Granny and Gramps,
Relations with relations!
Fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers,
Relations with relations!
Getting in each other's genes,
Relations with relations!
Fruit don't fall far from our family tree,
Relations with relations!

WARNING: Mild language.

MY FULLY SICK SOLAR-POWERED CAR

http://www.montanagreenpower.com/solar/schools/images/car.jpg

Bro, your V8-hot rod there just aint up to par,
With my fully sick solar-powered car!
Call me 'poofter' because it's shaped like a cigar?
It's my fully sick solar-powered car!
Man, so what if it doesn't get me very far?
Got a fully sick solar-powered car!
It don't slow down much when using the light of stars,
Drive a fully sick solar-powered car!

Bro, I cruise down the street like a mat outta hell.
Seven-miles-an-hour photovoltaic cells.
I can't pump the sub-woofers til they're shattering,
Because they would drain out the solar battery.

My car is da bomb cuz it don't need any fuel.
I get overtaken by kids walking to school.
It looks fully sick when my car goes slowly past.
I just hope the sky clears, it's looking overcast.

My car's right ill though it may not have much power.
I need to charge the battery for thirty hours.
It doesn't really accelerate full throttle,
And it's hard work driving when you're horizontal.

My car gets all of it's energy from the sun.
If I drag race someone I'll come second to one.
Soon all of the choccos will fork out big dollars,
To get a new fully sick car that is solar!

Bro, your V8-hot rod there just aint up to par,
With my fully sick solar-powered car!
Call me 'poofter' because it's shaped like a cigar?
It's my fully sick solar-powered car!
Man, so what if it doesn't get me very far?
Got a fully sick solar-powered car!
It don't slow down much when using the light of stars,
Drive a fully sick solar-powered car!

Vampire

http://www.malkavian_vampire_loko.blogger.com.br/don't%20cry.jpg

You're stuck in the mire
You're stuck in the mud.
You've lost all desire
Your fire's been swamped by the flood.
A lump in your gut
There's nothing to which you can aspire.
Blind to the choir
Dire
Perspiring blood
You're a vampire.
Crying
Skies lifeless and numb
Nowhere to run or hide
Want to die cuz why not?
Sucked dry
Must try
To just fly
Up on higher.
You jump from a spire
Expired
Eyes flutter wide shut.

PYROMANIA

https://secure.syspark.net/partners/nexen/iletaitunefois.qc.ca/images/TNTcoyote.gif

"Appears sadistic, greedy, wrong, but oh, it's swell fun!
My rare artistic medium is always well done!"

I light the fuse, I spark the wick.
The switch gets flicked and the button clicked.
I'll have a building char-grilled quick.
My friends all call me 'Arson Nick'.

I love to off a Gothic frame.
I'm just like a moth to the flame.
My work is a fabulous feat.
But oh, can you handle the heat?

I send loud sirens wailing, yeah.
Watch out, it's pyromania!
Just watch my fires get zanier.
Hot stuff, it's pyromania!
You often cry I'm crazy here.
Watch out, it's pyromania!
Save up to buy a flamethrower.
Hot stuff, it's pyromania!

I'm filling up with hot delight.
Girl, I will set your heart alight.
Whenever I see wood or thatch,
My first question is "Got a match?"

I watch TV and get inspired. 
By big pig wig yelling "You're fired!"
So acting prompt, within the hour,
I've bombed napalm onto Trump Tower.

I send loud sirens wailing, yeah.
Watch out, it's pyromania!
Just watch my fires get zanier.
Hot stuff, it's pyromania!
You often cry I'm crazy here.
Watch out, it's pyromania!
Save up to buy a flamethrower.
Hot stuff, it's pyromania!

QUARTER-LIFE CRISIS

http://www.chiroacademy.com/young-old.jpg

I'm hanging out at the playground.
A swaying swing, serene.
I'm clutching at my fading youth.
A geriatric teen.

I don't wanna have to shave and make sure that I behave.
I don't wanna have to study and make sure my shoes aren't muddy.
I don't wanna drive big cars and drink alcohol at bars.
I don't wanna have to gamble and set kids a good example.

I'm eating sugar cereal with morning cartoons on.
I find that the cookie jar entices.
I'm jumping in mud puddles and I'm throwing rocks at bees.
Think I'm suffering a quarter-life crisis.

I don't wanna have to care and make sure that I don't swear.
I don't wanna have to leave home and always wear long sleeve.
I don't wanna have to cook and clean each cranny and nook.
I don't wanna be mature and follow haute couture.

I go to sleep with my favourite blanket and teddy.
I put on my old Batman disguises.
I'm putting fake spiders down the shirts of girls I like.
Think I'm suffering a quarter-life crisis.

I don't wanna have civility and new responsibility.
I don't wanna have a job and stop living like a slob.
I don't wanna have to date and seek out my true soul mate.
I don't wanna be accountable for duties insurmountable.

I wear a Pokemon cap with my Harry Potter shirt.
I got to shops and switch all the prices.
I play video games with my music blaring loudly.
Think I'm suffering a quarter-life crisis.

I'm hanging out at the playground.
A swaying swing, serene.
I'm clutching at my fading youth.
A geriatric teen.

WARNING: Mature theme.

Melting Winter

http://fisher.utstat.toronto.edu/craiu/Poze/Winter/pic1.jpg

There lived down by a riverbed,
A girl and an old man.
The daughter often shivered as,
Her father raised his hand.
Inside this shack enshrouded by
Dark; melancholy loomed.
The man attacked her, clouded by
Stark memories, consumed.

Since from the day her mother left,
Their home and passed away.
The father's face seemed carved out of
A stone of plastered grey.
His eyes were sunken deep into
His withered, lifeless skull.
He stayed a drunk, his weeping grew.
He sensed his drying soul.

Years slowly drained the water from
The river out of sight.
Tears flowing stained the daughter from
The devil of the night.
His touch was violent, rivers bled
From self-defeating pain.
The parched and silent riverbed
Stayed shrivelled as a vein.

There came a winter's night like ice,
Which gnawed the daughter's skin.
She waited in her bed, both eyes
Implored the door to swing.
She waited as her father came,
Then shot him in the side.
He thanked her for ending the shame.
They wept until he died.

WARNING: Content may offend.

If You're Quadriplegic And You Know It Clap Your Hands

http://scoop.diamondgalleries.com/news_images/1333_3323_1.jpg

If you're quadriplegic and you know it clap your hands...
...
If you're quadriplegic and you know it clap your hands...
...
...bugger this.

...
...
...
...

...
...
...
*clap clap!*

Hey, who was that?

WARNING: Censored profanity, offensive content and crude humour.

Rap Battles

Nib Oswald up in this hizzeeezzyizzleozzizzeeeezzzouse.
www.rapbattles.com

flipsiderkj
Like a hearse, the rhymes you're coffin smell like sewage 'n' filth.
I won't say your verse was s***ty, cuz you'll do it yourself!
Losing your wealth, by betting you can spew out a riff,
S***, when God issued out talents, must've screwed up your gift!
Flip, I KNOW the freestyles on your tape are sick, so please...
Take 'em to the vet clinic, put out their miseries!
You don't mind ciphering long as you 'on top'? Don't brag!
Some might bag you out for having urges like a f**.
I'll flip you to sewer-side (suicide)... take this dangling old noose.
That'll see your gangly butt up 'hanging with my whole crew'.

$park$
My rhymes flow like a river, yours drizzle past.
You can't fight fire with fizzled $park$.
What's wrong? Are you mad from your PMS pain,
...Or your pathetic-a** graphics from MS Paint?
I'm not 'MAD'... but I pack bags of magazines,
To spray up in your f***** a** in packs of threes.
So come on and run puns past this fast noobie,
Before he smokes you up, dope, like in a doobie.

Every seamless lyric I trigger makes my penis bigger.
I'll send $park$ flyin', witch you got wiped by D.McJigga.
What's the matter, you condom-rapper? I got this kid puzzled.
Cuz his brain is way too tiny to be rhyming 'Nib Oswald'.
As for Climax, your rhymes are like a virgin's first try f***in'.
Cuz the jibes you write are 'tight'... and only last for five seconds!
As for you D.Mc, you bulemic? Cuz words you spew, they stink.
Next to me, my text will see both of your testicles reshrink.
You wept? Take a Kleenex. Get sick, because it's septic, my green ink.
Except you'll be steam n' vapour first, my paper burns you like a phoenix!


NerveCalmer
NerveCalmer, quit spitting at my palm service and listen,
To these lyrics scissorin' to sever off your Nervous system.
I'll serve you p*** in a teacup with some herbals misting.
Kick it in your face and make you lick it from the curb whilst blist'ring.
Don't bother showing up here if you don't have a hundred posts.
Or you'll be under pressure, under the gun... then six feet under my jokes.


Kilo
You're as soft as a pillow, I'm a smoke a whole Kilo.
Are you really that un-ill or are you actin the d**do?
Carry a f***ing purse, you're sucking worse than a Vank-Hoover.
Swallow c** like it's a Soother, more prissy than the Louvre.
Elton John move over...
...Kilo wants to flaunt his manouevres!
You do so much feminine rhyme you're an effeminate gentleman.
Bag-handle men and fondle Eminem genitals, get inseminate.
Then again, you dress in dresses as fashion is your interest.
You're the gayest VA mate I've met, change places with Canibus!

If I dropped it any harder, tectonic plates would crack.
Chronically ironic demonics, aint no basement track.
You want six lines? Prepare for a transfixed mind.
You'll turn sychophantic once my wicked antics are flyin'.
I'll start to cut up your guts into garters, the rest in the gutter.
Regret ever utterin' that my jottin should been harder!


mcinsanity
It's a deadly sin, vanity... but for you it's insanity!
Your mother doesn't even love ya, you suck worse than profanity.
Disguised by your MC letters. I despise you, cat.
S*** on McInsanity... would you like fries with that?
Just like K, you're a sucker. Get your butt to a doctor.
The checkup shows 'who's your daddy'... cuz your mother, I f***ed her.


Young Ca$h
My fresh flowings got you huffin. What are you, aged eight?
Young Ca$h is worth less than nothin' at the going exchange rate.
Calling me gay when, like your tiny d***, you aint straight.
You're deranged mate. Metaphorically I'm a train's weight!
You must have it hard, look at your lack of an avatar.
I'll clean up these streets and sweep away your cadaver.




Rock
Ayo, holla out to our Coloradud.
Swallows c*** like a two dollar harlot.
I saw your girl, she's a f***in' moll.
Sign up for battle? Let the Rock enroll!
Don't choke, it's a joke you hopeless twat.
Just like your vocals... you only need the joker's hat!
I'll have your mother lovin' my cunnilingus.
As I slip a Rock onto each one of her fingers.

You're frightened by my might, I'm a right nightmare.
Your Christmas present was a teddy with a nite-lite, yeah.
So make like the president and take flight, hide all scared.
I made it quite clear, I'm the resident white guy here!
This dud japes, like a racist in a prison yard race,
Getting chased by every darn race armed with mace.
I'll grab a hammer and pike to erase your face,
The nail will soon be spiked between a Rock and a hard place.
(i_idiotically_tried_to_break_the_rules_by_using_profanity)' Rock, you a cocksucking dork interruptin'
My post. So I'm roasting you both down to nothin'.


Blackout
I'm packing an axe which I'll snatch from my jacket
To mash and attack little f*****-a** Blackout
You can't hack it, I'll trash you and slash you til maculate,
Back the f*** up or I'm snappin' my gat out.
Wack little twat, I'ma smack you half-backward.
Let the rats out to snack on your black carcass, cracker.

MostGhetto
Just my luck, I'm stuck here with f***ers interruptin'.
All you'll do is set this volcano loose and spewing eruptions.
Your lines are corrupted. How the hell you being the mostghetto...
When you steppin' round and rappin' in those crappy stilettos?
Luke comes to the 'Dark Cide'... My name's Luke, you're Darth on a stark ride.
As your innards become outards and your bottom your upside.


EnonYmouZ
EnonYmouZ? Your name's a lame bowl of alphabet soup.
It sounds synonymous with 'moron a**'. D'you have to spit poop?
You're outta the loop. No wonder you choose anonymity,
Cuz like a mine, we'd blow you to bits if you came in proximity.
Would you quit stealing quips and s*** from 50,
Guess you can't because your rantin' evidently is s***ty.


Young Glam
Yo glamour girl, trying to stammer words out from LongBeach.
Chong/Cheech? I'll boil you in oil like you a bong, b****.
Move along quick, get back to licking your Uncle's strong d***.
He's got you bound in more chains than an Australian convict.
Drop in this drink, you'll fizzle up and get guzzled.
You're even more of a f***ing noob than loony Nib Oswald.

The tropic man is here. Glam, prepare to cop abuse.
Ya f***ing goose, you're jotting s*** that sounds like Doctor Seuss.
You got a douche? Cuz bowels will go loose as I tug your noose.
Resucitate you and then off you again just to chalk a duece.
I'll suck the juice outta your skull and then fill it with p***.
Like Jamie Oliver I'll have ya skinned and fillet the bits.
Then put you in a bowl for a starving, diseased old mutt.
But even he would sniff your whiff, nibble, then heave you up.


KingWhiz2005
I'll make you hot, cause you aint got any nice lines. I'll get oil,
Bake you in this pot, you'll get sliced, diced, fried and boiled.
Yo, Whiz, you're cooking on a spit, a meal fit for a King.
Funny, you're looking like a Queen. B****, git outta my ring.
Catch a glimpse of me and Whiz your pants, this kid's scared s***less.
Quips, they're witless. I'll slit you up by swinging a witness!


MPulsive
I beg your pardon, is that s*** you startin'? This winter, the printin' hardens.
Act my age? You're the one not smart enough to pass Kindergarten!
Can't understand what you're yelling or telling me cuz of spelling.
All I can decipher from your cyphers is that your s*** is smelling.
I only quote what you wrote cuz my pun-filled jokes and japes run off.
But it takes a darn age cuz there's so many mistakes to make fun of!
For Me To Poop on? It looks like you're the one in need of a diaper.
Red spots dotting your forehead, you're dead getting shot by this sniper.
So if you're feeling fly enough to reply, hire a typist.
Cuz I can't understand one hyperactive word... do you write ticked?

Repulsive b****, your a**crack's looking more black than a lunar eclipse,
With lubed-up hips you stuck in three black c***s... with two for your lips.
Just make like Lassie you crap wack cracker and go home, player.
My rhymes are as deep as mermaids? Well, yours are the ozone layer!
So they're full of holes... You're gullible if you think I watch porn,
Unless it's your mum with a torchlight for getting her crotch torn.
You 'never let a nice c*** tease ya?' That's cuz you love a bad boy.
...Or a fruit basket! Bananas, apples and other f** toys.
Come outta the closet because you love to c** in a sphincter.
Dude's rectums, you inspect 'em and then stick em until they stricture.
A silver tincture has been inked around the rim of your a**ehole.
That's the only aspect of your rap career that'll sparkle.

Man I've already shredded your dirty butt into confetti.
Let me head to a better competitor, noweight you aint heavy.
sheesh, I'll drop the bold cuz I pop it all. You're who I 'poop on'.
What a downer, I'll get round to the counter to refund my coupon.
Cuz you're worthless MPulsive, you name's losing it's chord.
Only good for one bout of amusement, now i'm just bored.
I'll slap your teeth in, bend you til I snap your knees, then
Colour you red with your blood so you look like Happy Tree Friends.

What the hell's up with this fella, you obsessive compulsive?
Using bold is getting old, just like yo mama, MPulsive.
When it comes to droppin' bombs you are hardly explosive.
And your verse's words don't burn. Man, they're hardly corrosive.
You're so repulsive that I've started to get these an impulses...
To stop your pulse with an old saw and start causin' convulsions!



MC Potty
Your flow eroded in your throat, cuz it's coated in c**.
Ayo, you downloaded the first scrotum-smokin' emoticon.
Loosen up, dawg, in this juicer get your body strained.
Your spotty training diaper hardly shows you're MC Potty trained.
I'll use karate canes on your teeth to critique your weak style.
Maybe then your tongue will have enough room to learn to freestyle


Disdain
Every s*** refrain you unchain gets spit-on in Disdain.
I'll chain whip this kid's brains out, then do it all again.
I'm excellent in thinkin sharp. Take half now, and then later the rest o' this.
Hexing your Linkin-Park-tape-raps razes your Abe's Exoddus.
Don't try and hide your rhyming demise with a Nib-like disguise.
If I had five million posts they still wouldn't comprise my d*** size.


Darth Maul
Darth Maul, get that face paint off your a**ehole.
I'll cleave you with a lightsabre, leaving you half-whole.
'Rather small' describes your balls, Star Wars geek.
You're weak and meek. I'll slap you like a whore's cheek.
Use the force, freak, while this Luke abuses farce.
B****, lose the mask. Unless you got the flu and SARS.

Darth, I'm sick to death from your breath of idle chatter.
Hell, evangelists could sidle up and bible bash ya.
Los Angeles is badgered by your stench malodorous.
So I must load your butt, with powder kegs to blow you up.
"A lyrically beast"? That don't make sense, you gimmicky b****.
You're a satirical feast for me, eating you up like lickety splitz.


David E.
You're misbehaving, David. Got a comeback? Save it,
Shave off any trace of flavour, then lower case it.
Prattle on with kettle black, hurry up and battle rap.
You've straddled a kayak up s*** creek without a paddle, chap.
I'm getting sick of ripping into fully-grown guys,
So it's time to hone rhymes, pick on someone my own size.
Oh great, a noweight whose slow japes and lame raps suck.
How can you fill a chest with caps if you aint got a Caps Lock?
Get f***ed, you suck, untuck your mask and lose the rock.
Goliath's here, prepare David to get smashed under my c***.


KrazedOut
KrazedOut, you're a waste of space, get fazed out.
You've raised doubt as to how you'll escape being chased out.
You'd get your a** kicked by Crips if they were crippled midgets,
About turn and leave... at least my post count is triple digits.
You're as welcome as a Britney album under Eminem's tree.
The outcome of your raps is seldom any more than empty.
First you say you don't want women here to linger around,
Then you begin to talk about c***s... I've got you figured out!


Night Walker
Yo, Night Walker, move aside, you're no tight talker.
My name's Luke, so expect a lightsabre slicing you like Skywalker.
I'm a bright sparkle, a white rapper, a right wry f***er.
So meet me down an alley walking at night... and you'll die, sucker.
By the way, you're meant to spit at least six lines minimum.
But I guess that's too much to ask from this wannabe Eminem.


Log
How is there pride in your name? Quit your rappin, dawg.
Look into a pirate's toilet, see the captain's Log.
You infested with insects? You're too simple to commit incest,
Yet your mother's thin legs and princess stomach arouse interest.
Inspect my rhyming style to inject it through your system.
Or just lay back and watch your sisters kissing as I fist em.


Illest Skill
Yeah, we know you got a d***. Make that several in your crevices.
If you can't manage 6 lines, we don't require your services.
The Illest Skill at d**do handling,
You swill your fill from gigolo sampling,
Pillow biter, mightcha have something worthy of spittin'?
I guess not b****, so get your t**s back into the kitchen.


Jd2the0g
jf2theag sucks more than a vacuum bag's amount.
You have to add at least six lines, dag... or can't this f** count?
His avatar is peeking through the glass pane of the window.
I'll open it and kick his a** splatting to the pavement below.
Can't get blander with his style, man. Caincha try bustin' loose?
Have a Gander at his rhymes, they're straight out of Mother Goose.


BluMami
I'ma smack your fatty a** til it's black and blue, mami.
Or pay a pack of disabled Asian ladies to do it for me.
The only Recognition is you as a wannabe R. Kelly.
A reignition of your sex drive with a girl and her dolly.
You hurled and were smelly. Get away from the microphone.
You've failed to rhyme so many times that now you're like a clone.
So hike off, clown. 'less you want me to hack you up.
Then take you down, for pissing around and actin' up.
A rapper? Nup. Your wrapper gets tossed in the rubbish can.
On my lap, you lap up every word... You love this, man.


Vertikle
Dirty-a** Vertikle, how can you talk about embarrassment,
When your garish scent is cause for being charged with self-harrassment.
Your odour is what's drifting our way.
Cuz a load o' s*** is all you're swift enough to say.
You're only 'Here 2 Destroy' yourself,
Cuz flapping those lips emits a stench that's bad for your health.
What a reek! No freak would ever have the gall to stomach it.
When you breath leaks, even your avatar's dead from it!

PillBoy
I don't know about your nation, but in Australia.
Misspelling 'pronunciation' means you aint got genitalia.
Don't worry, you'll only have to hear my voice once in your life.
Just before you learn the true meaning of 'That's not a knife'.
Accents cause strife. Just like a self-contradiction.
How can you say I love the pussy AND be gay, with conviction?
Your diction's airy so resort to a dictionary
...Look up your photo at the definition of 'fairy'.
The only point you get across is a decimal one.
A special display that shows the worth of your abysmal puns.
We got a word for nerd twerps who like c**-filled joy.
And it just happens that your name is the one: Pillboy!

OK, I admit it, I'm currently on Pillboys d***.
...His d*** is on the floor and I'm stampin' all over it.
I didn't forget you, moron. You're attackin' in vain.
Hell, your ugly a** has burned an image in the back of my brain!
So I'm like an elephant here, "I'm never forgettin'."
That's the elegant message left on your grave, where I'm spittin'.
I don't have a white flag, it's all dotted and splotched.
Cuz I'm left cleaning up after all of your horrible slop.

Only way you're an elephant is because of your weight.
So you aint fly... wait... dang, my f***ing puns are so great.
The only reason the world's rotating USA like a lavatory,
Is because your flabby a** has it's own center of gravity!
Yo, what's the matter G? Quit hiding your undying flattery.
Pro-US strategy results in a bad taste like 'salt and battery'.
And I think you mixed up the message you're tryin to push.
I don't love America... this Australian just loves the bush!

Watch this wicked word wizard do a scary hat trick.
I guess you aint bad either... for a geriatric!
Incompetent? Get out. You're incontinent in the bowels.
I competently clown these constinants and vowels.
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