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Subject: Living wills and funeral arrangements.

Written By: loki 13 on 06/07/10 at 6:18 pm

I know it's a subject that few people wish to talk about but as I get older I know it's something that needs to be
done. My parents had the foresight to draw up living wills and a wills but never discussed funeral arrangements. I
was made Executor of the wills and hold Power of Attorney over my father because my older brother didn't want
to deal with the finality of life. My mother died two years ago and my dad is in bad shape, he suffers dimentia brought
on by a stroke and can't care for himself. When he does die it will be left to me to make arrangements and that is what
got me thinking.

I plan to make a living will but I wish I can take it a step further. I know first hand what a burden someone who has lost
his mental capacity can be. I don't want to burden my wife or children financially or mentaly. I wish that I can put it in
writting that should I become mentaly incapable whether it be dimentia or Alzheimers disease that I am to be euthanized,
if I can't live, I wish not to survive. I know it's tough to say but I feel for my dad, he doesn't deserve this and I fear, being
his son, that this is my future.

As far as my funeral arrangements my kids already know my wishes, I did not leave it up to them. If they can't make money
off of my body then I am to be cremated as cheaply as possible. I do not want an obituary, no viewing, no funeral. I want to
leave this world as quietly as possible. I want people to say, "What ever happened to that guy?"

Basically my wishes are: no fuss, no muss, no burden!












Subject: Re: Living wills and funeral arrangements.

Written By: ladybug316 on 06/07/10 at 7:06 pm

I feel very strongly about making your wishes not just known, but legal!  My Grandfather also had alzheimer's and my mother got things in order at the very first diagnosis of dimentia.

Regarding my father, from diagnosis to death, he only lived 3 short months.  He did not want to be buried and argued with his wife over this (can you imagine?)  He told her if she was so set on putting him in the ground, he wanted his headstone to read "What the hell are you looking at?"  (My Dad's great sense of humor.)  Well, she buried him and (I'm told) put a huge black hunk of marble down to let everyone know where he is.  I refuse to "visit" and often say she couldn't win an argument with him until he was gone.  Anyway, there was nothing his daughters could do, as his wife had power of attorney and he had no legal arrangements.

Run, don't walk, to your lawyer, as it is an unsavory task but a necessary one! 

Subject: Re: Living wills and funeral arrangements.

Written By: danootaandme on 06/08/10 at 6:43 am

First, you can ask for euthanasia, but at this time it isn't legal, not to say it won't be in the future.  You can request a "do not resusitate".  To make it legal you have to have a lawyer draw up the papers and give someone sympathetic to your wishes power of attorney should you become incapacitated.  Make sure they either have the papers, or access to them, they will have to produce them to carry out your wishes. It is pretty much as simple as that.  It would be nice to add a provision for donor organs if there is anything that would be salvageable.  It isn't prudent to assume this can be put off, there isn't anyone who knows what will happen in terms of accidents so the sooner the better.

Subject: Re: Living wills and funeral arrangements.

Written By: CatwomanofV on 06/08/10 at 12:03 pm

Good topic Loki.

Carlos & I have talked about this. We both know what the other wishes are and we did write it down. If for some reason we should go into a coma, we would want to be given a chance. However, after a while, if it is apparent that nothing will change, then by all means, pull the plug. Of course there is question as to what is "a while"? 2 weeks? 5 months? etc. We both agree that a year would definitely be too long.

As for funeral arrangement, I don't think we really discussed that.

I'm sure many of you remember a few years ago when I lost my grandmother. I started a thread about End of Life Issues:

http://www.inthe00s.com/index.php?topic=30946.0


I didn't mean for the thread to be about my grandmother but about the subject.

Right now, my sisters & I are dealing with our parents' wills. My mother, who wrote my brother our of her will (which none of my sisters & I dispute), has written her church in his place. None of us are happy about that. We keep telling her that she should just will the church some much $$$ if she wants to include them-but as her will stands now, her church is going to get the same that each of my sister's & I do-and they can claim "stuff" that are family heirlooms. My mother says, "Oh, they won't do that" but I don't trust the church.

My father found out about my mother's will. (How? I can guess which sister.) He thinks that Ma is wrong to disown my brother but it was basically my brother who disowned my mother first and he has treated her like sh!t for many, many years but that is another issue. My father goes on about how my mother is foolish to include the church, etc. etc. but he has his own issue with his will. He has a housemate (who I have not met yet). Apparently, he gives her $$$$ to do stuff around the house and he doesn't know how much she spends or what exactly does she do with it. She has basically taken over the house and he is allowing it. My sisters have talked to him about it that if something happens to him, she could claim to be his common-law wife and stake claim to his assets. Of course my father's response, "Oh, she won't do that." Hmmm, who does that sound like? We finally got him to write in an email to my brother and one of my sisters (who are the executor of his will) that she is NOT his common-law wife-but he only sent it to those two and not to all of us.

I don't understand either one of my parents! 



Cat

Subject: Re: Living wills and funeral arrangements.

Written By: Midas on 06/09/10 at 9:03 am



My father goes on about how my mother is foolish to include the church, etc. etc. but he has his own issue with his will. He has a housemate (who I have not met yet). Apparently, he gives her $$$$ to do stuff around the house and he doesn't know how much she spends or what exactly does she do with it. She has basically taken over the house and he is allowing it. My sisters have talked to him about it that if something happens to him, she could claim to be his common-law wife and stake claim to his assets. Of course my father's response, "Oh, she won't do that." Hmmm, who does that sound like? We finally got him to write in an email to my brother and one of my sisters (who are the executor of his will) that she is NOT his common-law wife-but he only sent it to those two and not to all of us.


Cat


I'd be cautious of this.  Mrs. Midas' grandfather was in a similar situation as your father and the "housemate" ended up with everything, hocked family heirlooms and went through his money like it was burning a hole in her pocket.  This was way before I met my wife, but it sucks to hear that her dad and his siblings ended up with nothing from that.  :(

Subject: Re: Living wills and funeral arrangements.

Written By: CatwomanofV on 06/09/10 at 12:41 pm


I'd be cautious of this.  Mrs. Midas' grandfather was in a similar situation as your father and the "housemate" ended up with everything, hocked family heirlooms and went through his money like it was burning a hole in her pocket.  This was way before I met my wife, but it sucks to hear that her dad and his siblings ended up with nothing from that.   :(



I think we have it in writing that his housemate is just that-a housemate and not his common-law wife. I hope that is enough.



Cat

Subject: Re: Living wills and funeral arrangements.

Written By: danootaandme on 06/09/10 at 4:59 pm




My father found out about my mother's will. (How? I can guess which sister.) He thinks that Ma is wrong to disown my brother but it was basically my brother who disowned my mother first and he has treated her like sh!t for many, many years but that is another issue. My father goes on about how my mother is foolish to include the church, etc. etc. but he has his own issue with his will. He has a housemate (who I have not met yet). Apparently, he gives her $$$$ to do stuff around the house and he doesn't know how much she spends or what exactly does she do with it. She has basically taken over the house and he is allowing it. My sisters have talked to him about it that if something happens to him, she could claim to be his common-law wife and stake claim to his assets. Of course my father's response, "Oh, she won't do that." Hmmm, who does that sound like? We finally got him to write in an email to my brother and one of my sisters (who are the executor of his will) that she is NOT his common-law wife-but he only sent it to those two and not to all of us.

I don't understand either one of my parents! 



Cat


Double check the state he is in.  Many people are under the assumption that their state has a common law provision, but most actually do not.  If the state they are in doesn't your pretty clear. If you find out the do not have a common law statute don't mention it to your father or his significant.  If the are going under that assumption that there is a common law statute, and find out there isn't, she could press for marriage, and if that happened she would be entitled to a certain amount regardless.


www.unmarried.org/common-law-marriage-fact-sheet.html

THE MYTH: There is a common misperception that if you live together for a certain length of time (seven years is what many people believe), you are common-law married. This is not true anywhere in the United States.

STATES THAT RECOGNIZE COMMON LAW MARRIAGE:
Only a few states recognize common law marriages:

Alabama
Colorado
Georgia (if created before 1/1/97)
Idaho (if created before 1/1/96)
Iowa
Kansas
Montana
New Hampshire (for inheritance purposes only)
Ohio (if created before 10/10/91)
Oklahoma (possibly only if created before 11/1/98. Oklahoma's laws and court decisions may be in conflict about whether common law marriages formed in that state after 11/1/98 will be recognized.)
Pennsylvania (if created before 1/1/05)
Rhode Island
South Carolina
Texas
Utah
Washington, D.C.

IF YOU LIVE IN A STATE THAT DOES RECOGNIZE COMMON LAW MARRIAGE: If you live in one of the above states and you "hold yourself out to be married" (by telling the community you are married, calling each other husband and wife, using the same last name, filing joint income tax returns, etc.), you can have a common law marriage (for more information on the specific requirements of each state, see next page). Common law marriage makes you a legally married couple in every way, even though you never obtained a marriage license. If you choose to end your relationship, you must get a divorce, even though you never had a wedding. Legally, common law married couples must play by all the same rules as "regular" married couples. If you live in one of the common law states and don't want your relationship to become a common law marriage, you must be clear that it is your intention not to marry. The attorneys who wrote Living Together (additional information below) recommend an agreement in writing that both partners sign and date: "Jane Smith and John Doe agree as follows: That they've been and plan to continue living together as two free, independent beings and that neither has ever intended to enter into any form of marriage, common law or otherwise."

Subject: Re: Living wills and funeral arrangements.

Written By: CatwomanofV on 06/09/10 at 5:07 pm


Double check the state he is in.  Many people are under the assumption that their state has a common law provision, but most actually do not.  If the state they are in doesn't your pretty clear. If you find out the do not have a common law statute don't mention it to your father or his significant.  If the are going under that assumption that there is a common law statute, and find out there isn't, she could press for marriage, and if that happened she would be entitled to a certain amount regardless.


www.unmarried.org/common-law-marriage-fact-sheet.html

THE MYTH: There is a common misperception that if you live together for a certain length of time (seven years is what many people believe), you are common-law married. This is not true anywhere in the United States.

STATES THAT RECOGNIZE COMMON LAW MARRIAGE:
Only a few states recognize common law marriages:

Alabama
Colorado
Georgia (if created before 1/1/97)
Idaho (if created before 1/1/96)
Iowa
Kansas
Montana
New Hampshire (for inheritance purposes only)
Ohio (if created before 10/10/91)
Oklahoma (possibly only if created before 11/1/98. Oklahoma's laws and court decisions may be in conflict about whether common law marriages formed in that state after 11/1/98 will be recognized.)
Pennsylvania (if created before 1/1/05)
Rhode Island
South Carolina
Texas
Utah
Washington, D.C.

IF YOU LIVE IN A STATE THAT DOES RECOGNIZE COMMON LAW MARRIAGE: If you live in one of the above states and you "hold yourself out to be married" (by telling the community you are married, calling each other husband and wife, using the same last name, filing joint income tax returns, etc.), you can have a common law marriage (for more information on the specific requirements of each state, see next page). Common law marriage makes you a legally married couple in every way, even though you never obtained a marriage license. If you choose to end your relationship, you must get a divorce, even though you never had a wedding. Legally, common law married couples must play by all the same rules as "regular" married couples. If you live in one of the common law states and don't want your relationship to become a common law marriage, you must be clear that it is your intention not to marry. The attorneys who wrote Living Together (additional information below) recommend an agreement in writing that both partners sign and date: "Jane Smith and John Doe agree as follows: That they've been and plan to continue living together as two free, independent beings and that neither has ever intended to enter into any form of marriage, common law or otherwise."



They live in DC and he has stated to us that she is just a housemate. We believe that he may want more than just a housemate relationship but she doesn't want that. We think she is taking advantage of him. Whenever my sisters mention ANYTHING to him about her, he gets all defensive. Like I said, I have never met the woman so I don't know. I'm only going on what my sisters have told me.



Cat

Subject: Re: Living wills and funeral arrangements.

Written By: Gis on 06/10/10 at 5:59 am

I also think funeral plans are a great thing.
In the U.K. funerals are HUGELY expensive things, no matter how simple you choose to go and not everyone has spare money lying around for such a thing. It also takes a huge burden off the grieving relatives left behind if you have your plan all paid up and in place, the funeral company just steps quietly in and does everything. Both my Nan and Himselfs nan had one set up and it made a hell of a difference.

Having a will is vital!

Cat it's all very well you and Carlos telling each other what you want but if nobody else knows, then what happens?  :-\\ If it's all written down in black and white it helps enourmously. Funerals and weddings bring out the worst in people and I have heard too many horror stories over the years, like the firend whose cousin arrived with a van and completely emptied his Grandmother's house whilst the rest of the family were at her funeral!

It's not a nice thing to do but it is necessary.

Subject: Re: Living wills and funeral arrangements.

Written By: danootaandme on 06/10/10 at 6:09 am



They live in DC and he has stated to us that she is just a housemate. We believe that he may want more than just a housemate relationship but she doesn't want that. We think she is taking advantage of him. Whenever my sisters mention ANYTHING to him about her, he gets all defensive. Like I said, I have never met the woman so I don't know. I'm only going on what my sisters have told me.



Cat


What he is telling you and what is could be two different what's. Sometimes, though, you just gotta walk away because as long as he is considered competent there isn't much you can do.  If she isn't using his name or doing the other stuff on the list you are fine.  If your father is getting defensive then talking to him about it will only make him dig his heels in.  Maybe this whole thing will run its course, but it might just be something that is out of your control and coming to terms with that is sometimes the best you can do for yourself.

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