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Subject: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: warped on 08/27/13 at 2:14 pm

I thought I’d start a thread for people to participate or have an outlet for… if they ever have, or are currently living with an alcoholic, or even a bad drunk in the family.

Let me tell you my story first. My dad was an alcoholic. I probably realized this when I was a young child, maybe the age of 5 or 6…Oh, I didn’t know or understand what alcoholism was or anything like that, and I just observed that my dad would act “funny” or “odd” in the evenings after a few drinks.    He’d scream, speak incoherently, was verbally abusive and was just in a bad mood.

When I got older, let’s say age 10 or so, I understood more what a drunk he was. My dad drank pretty much every day, except for days where he had too much to drink on previous days and just slept all day, and vomited a lot.

On any typical week in my household, my dad would get drunk at least 6 days a week, most of the times all 7 days He would have imaginary conversations with (??), he’d swear at me, my sis and esp my mom, he’d tell me I was good for nothing and told me that any bum on the streets was better than I was. He’d drink so much he’s pass out almost every night on the couch, on his chair, or in bed. I really have no idea how he was able to function by going to work 5 days a week.

When my dad was really drunk…he’d puke or pee anywhere in the house. It was like having an untrained dog around. We were lucky if he did those things in the washroom. He’d never, ever admit any of the mess was his and ordered my mom to always clean it up, and she always did. I was lucky he never did those things in my bedroom.  When he was drunk (and sorry, I know this is going to disgust people), he always wanted to see my…you know..  :-\\    to see how big it was, and vented out at me if I didn’t obey him. I never showed him. Who knows what he might have done if I did.

Even if he was this idiot drunk person no one respected and people were ashamed of him, he always had an attitude that he was better than others and we had to respect him, because he was the man of the house.    My dad would often go into my room and look for money…anywhere.. just so that he accumulated enough money to buy a bottle of something. My dad never wanted to go out to friends places, because if he did, he couldn’t get drunk because he had to drive (and mom didn’t know how to). He never did anything mom wanted to do, but we always had to do everything he wanted to do, or we’d get yelled at, or in my mom’s case, threatened to be beaten. Having said that, I've been with him in a car when he was drunk and he almost killed us once. I had to get into a physical fight with him and basically throw him out of the driver's seat when he got stuck on a sidewalk in a parking lot at midnight, over a steep hill.

My mom always want to protect him or just sweep his drinking under a rug. Looking back, I wish she would have left him a long time ago, when I was a kid. I once had to talk my mom out of killing herself (while she had a cutting instrument in the palm of her hand) because of his alcoholism. I think I was 16 or 17 at the time.      My dad, like most alcoholics, never ever admitted to having a problem, he said we were the problem. We tried everything possible for him to get help, but he always thought he was fine. sigh..

Living with a drunk/alcoholic is an awful experience, it’s terrible. My intention is not to  look for any sympathy, instead I am hoping that opening myself up to you might help others here to feel comfortable to share if they have lived or grew up in  an alcoholic family or are currently living with an alcoholic…and to know, you are not alone.

I am here to listen…



Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: ladybug316 on 08/27/13 at 7:16 pm

And we are here to listen to you and your heartbreaking story.  I'm so sorry you have had a rough upbringing. You seem like a great guy who's always looking for a laugh, which is an awesome attitude to have.  I hope you have finally found some peace.

I have never lived with an alcoholic but my Dad basically invented road rage. Because my parents were divorced, he would pick us up every Sunday and, without fail, would scream at people on the road.  He'd get out of his car and bang on their hood to prompt them into a fistfight as we cried in the back of the car.  It is something that's horrifying for me to this day, even as I hear myself scream at some idiot driving  :( 

Luckily, you can't get a good fight out of my husband, so I've broken a bad cycle and chosen well  :)  I hope the same for you!

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: Dagwood on 08/27/13 at 7:45 pm

Wow, Frank.  Thanks for sharing that.


As for me, All three of my parents were alcoholics.  My mother and my step-father raised me.  The drank a bottle of Jim Beam every night.  I hear horror stories and count my lucky stars that they were just stupid drunks.  They would sit at the table like zombies til it was time to go to bed.  Then they would get up and go to work.  Functional drunks.  It was still embarrassing. 

My mom finally left the marriage when my stepfather had a stroke and the doctor told him to quit drinking and smoking.  She did to support him, but he wouldn't stop.  He would go down to the basement and come back up staggering.  My mom isn't a dumb lady.  She waited til I graduated and left.  It sucked but I totally understand.  She is drinking pretty heavily again and it scares me because she lives alone.  I know she has fallen a couple of times and I have fears that she is going to fall down and really hurt herself and no one would know.  My sister and I always call or email daily so we know.  Although, my sister is pretty bad herself. 

My real father drank himself to death.  He wasn't a mean drunk either.  He basically killed his liver.  It was one of the hardest things to watch.

I have vowed not to become them.  I rarely drink.  We are talking about maybe one beer a year.  Growing up, I vowed to never look as stupid in front of my kids as my mom and stepdad did in front of us.  Sarah knows why I don't drink often.  So far she hasn't shown any interest in it either.  Fingers crossed.

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: MaxwellSmart on 08/27/13 at 10:36 pm

If my father drank, he would have been exactly like Frank's father. 

My father was a narcissist, and it sounds like Frank's was too.  Could it be there was more going on with Frank's dad than alcoholism?  Maybe a personality disorder?  My dad never lost control of his bodily functions, but you never knew when he was going to fly into a violent tantrum or start berating without warning.  He seemed to revel in terrifying us like we were his to destroy. 

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: ladybug316 on 08/28/13 at 7:03 am

Awful stuff, everyone!  Hugs to all!

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: warped on 08/28/13 at 7:39 am


Wow, Frank.  Thanks for sharing that.


As for me, All three of my parents were alcoholics.  My mother and my step-father raised me.  The drank a bottle of Jim Beam every night.  I hear horror stories and count my lucky stars that they were just stupid drunks.  They would sit at the table like zombies til it was time to go to bed.  Then they would get up and go to work.  Functional drunks.  It was still embarrassing. 

My mom finally left the marriage when my stepfather had a stroke and the doctor told him to quit drinking and smoking.  She did to support him, but he wouldn't stop.  He would go down to the basement and come back up staggering.  My mom isn't a dumb lady.  She waited til I graduated and left.  It sucked but I totally understand.  She is drinking pretty heavily again and it scares me because she lives alone.  I know she has fallen a couple of times and I have fears that she is going to fall down and really hurt herself and no one would know.  My sister and I always call or email daily so we know.  Although, my sister is pretty bad herself. 

My real father drank himself to death.  He wasn't a mean drunk either.  He basically killed his liver.  It was one of the hardest things to watch.

I have vowed not to become them.  I rarely drink.  We are talking about maybe one beer a year.  Growing up, I vowed to never look as stupid in front of my kids as my mom and stepdad did in front of us.  Sarah knows why I don't drink often.  So far she hasn't shown any interest in it either.  Fingers crossed.


All 3 parents were alcoholics? Wow Dag. Just like me, I bet you came home everyday from school, wondering what type of drama would unfold that evening. No kid should grow up in that type of environment.  From what you described, your parents were not violent drunks, but zombie drinkers (just sat there and got wasted). ....sucks...HUGS!!!!

My mom also threatened to leave my dad after I graduated high school, but she had no money (all the bank accounts were in dad's name only. He refused to sign a joint account until the mid 1980s when I bugged the shyt out of him)

I knew that around 9pm was the time of the day I needed to avoid my dad as much as possible. He wasn't totally drunk yet but he was still aware of his environment and who we were so he'd just verbally abuse us (and if we argued) he'd threaten physical violence, which didn't happen often. By 10pm he was too drunk to recognize much, and although he might fall down and fall into walls or urinate *somewhere* in the washroom, we were usually safe from any attacks. He was usually having imaginary conversations by that point.

Just like you, this is why I don't drink, or smoke, or express any kind of violence towards my spouse or anyone close to me. I wanted to grow up and be the exact opposite of my father. (other than partying like crazy in my teens and early 20s, I have done pretty much that.)

Did you ever have any arguments with your parents or try and talk to them about their drinking? It's not easy. I have found that people who drink a lot never think they are the problem, but everyone else is the problem. It's such a relief when a drunk or alcoholic ever reaches the point where they say "Whoa...I have a problem". My dad never got there.  :-[

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: warped on 08/28/13 at 7:48 am


If my father drank, he would have been exactly like Frank's father. 

My father was a narcissist, and it sounds like Frank's was too.  Could it be there was more going on with Frank's dad than alcoholism?  Maybe a personality disorder?  My dad never lost control of his bodily functions, but you never knew when he was going to fly into a violent tantrum or start berating without warning.  He seemed to revel in terrifying us like we were his to destroy.


I don't think my dad was a narcissist, but he had an inferiority complex and was a little paranoid (he thought everyone was against him...why? I don't know). My dad wasn't aware of boundaries. If he were caught speeding, he generally yelled at the officer (which obviously didn't help his cause). He had no boundaries when drinking. He usually stopped drinking for the night when he was too drunk to be able to pour stuff from a bottle into his glass. My dad would throw out racist remarks against anyone while there were Asians or Blacks in the room (in a similar way to the TV character Archie Bunker). He had no boundaries there either.

From what I have read about your dad, Max, I think he was more violent than my dad and terrified your family more than my dad terrified ours. I cannot even imagine what your dad would have been like if massive amounts of alcohol were added to the mix.

I've tried to become the complete opposite of my dad when I grew up. Were you motivated to try and do the same? (Be the opposite of your dad)

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: Dagwood on 08/28/13 at 7:58 am


All 3 parents were alcoholics? Wow Dag. Just like me, I bet you came home everyday from school, wondering what type of drama would unfold that evening. No kid should grow up in that type of environment.  From what you described, your parents were not violent drunks, but zombie drinkers (just sat there and got wasted). ....sucks...HUGS!!!!

My mom also threatened to leave after I graduated high school, but she had no money (all the bank accounts were in dad's name only. He refused to sign a joint account until the mid 1980s when I bugged the shyt out of him)

I knew that around 9pm was the time of the day I needed to avoid my dad as much as possible. He wasn't totally drunk yet but he was still aware of his environment and who we were so he'd just verbally abuse us (and if we argued) he'd threaten physical violence, which didn't happen often. By 10pm he was too drunk to recognize much, and although he might fall down and fall into walls or urinate *somewhere* in the washroom, we were usually safe from any attacks. He was usually having imaginary conversations by that point.

Just like you, this is why I don't drink, or smoke, or express any kind of violence towards my spouse. I wanted to grow up and be the exact opposite of my father. (other than partying like crazy in my teens and early 20s, I have done pretty much that.)

Did you ever have any arguments when your parents or try and talk to them about their drinking? It's not easy. I have found that people who drink a lot never think they are the problem, but everyone else is the problem. It's such a relief when a drunk or alcoholic ever reaches the point where they say "Whoa...I have a problem". My dad never got there.  :-[



I never worried about any kind of drama.  There really wasn't any. 

I have never tried to say anything to them.  I have talked to my sister because she is a heavy drinker too.  She agrees mom needs to stop, but my mom is one that you don't tell what to do.  Plus, my mom thinks I would be judgmental of anything she does anyway.  She is an atheist and sees all religions as judgmental.  If I tried to say anything, I would get the "quit judging me, I don't judge you" argument.  She wouldn't see that that is exactly what she does to me.  Plus there is the whole "you don't know what addiction is" argument I get from my sister.  Yes, I do.  Just because I am not an alcoholic or drug user doesn't mean I don't have addictions and don't understand. 

Plus, I really don't like confrontation.  Chicken, I know...but there you go.

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: Paul on 08/28/13 at 8:24 am

Horrid, horrid experiences, Frank...and to those who've undergone similar...

I'm fortunate - I had one of the most stable upbringings anyone could ever wish to have and therefore, have not had the misfortune to witness anything like this. I'm not sure how I would react if I had...

This is one of those rare times when I'm completely speechless, my heart goes out to you all... :(

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: CatwomanofV on 08/28/13 at 9:41 am

My first husband was an alcoholic. He was verbally abusive. And I confess that there were a few times I had bruises on me. It really wasn't pretty. After 6 years, I had enough. It was hard but I left him and filed for divorce. Before the divorce went through, he literally drank himself to death. (Cause of death: Fatal Intoxication.) So, I was a widow at the ripe old age of 25. (I retired at the ripe old age of 26.)  It took a long time for me to heal from that ordeal. Even now, I still have the scars from it but I survived. And I live by the saying, "That which doesn't break you makes you stronger." And I am much stronger than I was when I first stepped out on my own and decided to go back to school. And what helped me to heal was not only going to school but keeping a journal. I wrote in it everyday. Who needed a therapist? I had my journal. And then after I moved in with Carlos, I realized that I didn't need my journal anymore. Not saying that I was "healed" but I was stronger.



Cat 

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: warped on 08/28/13 at 10:02 am

From a website "Helping a loved one with alcoholism or alcohol abuse"

  http://www.helpguide.org/mental/alcohol_abuse_alcoholism_signs_effects_treatment.htm

If someone you love has a drinking problem, you may be struggling with a number of painful emotions, including shame, fear, anger, and self-blame. The problem may be so overwhelming that it seems easier to ignore it and pretend that nothing is wrong. But in the long run denying it will be more damaging to you, other family members, and the person with the drinking problem.

- You cannot force someone you love to stop abusing alcohol. As much as you may want to, and as hard as it is to watch, you cannot make someone stop drinking. The choice is up to them.
- Don’t expect the person to stop drinking and stay sober without help. Your loved one will need treatment, support, and new coping skills to overcome a serious drinking problem.
- Recovery is an ongoing process. Recovery is a bumpy road, requiring time and patience. An alcoholic will not magically become a different person once sober. And the problems that led to the alcohol abuse in the first place will have to be faced.
- Admitting that there’s a serious problem can be painful for the whole family, not just the alcohol abuser. But don’t be ashamed. You’re not alone. Alcoholism and alcohol abuse affects millions of families, from every social class, race, and culture. But there is help and support available for both you and your loved one.

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: Katluver on 08/28/13 at 11:15 am


I thought I’d start a thread for people to participate or have an outlet for… if they ever have, or are currently living with an alcoholic, or even a bad drunk in the family.

Let me tell you my story first. My dad was an alcoholic. I probably realized this when I was a young child, maybe the age of 5 or 6…Oh, I didn’t know or understand what alcoholism was or anything like that, and I just observed that my dad would act “funny” or “odd” in the evenings after a few drinks.    He’d scream, speak incoherently, was verbally abusive and was just in a bad mood.

When I got older, let’s say age 10 or so, I understood more what a drunk he was. My dad drank pretty much every day, except for days where he had too much to drink on previous days and just slept all day, and vomited a lot.

On any typical week in my household, my dad would get drunk at least 6 days a week, most of the times all 7 days He would have imaginary conversations with (??), he’d swear at me, my sis and esp my mom, he’d tell me I was good for nothing and told me that any bum on the streets was better than I was. He’d drink so much he’s pass out almost every night on the couch, on his chair, or in bed. I really have no idea how he was able to function by going to work 5 days a week.

When my dad was really drunk…he’d puke or pee anywhere in the house. It was like having an untrained dog around. We were lucky if he did those things in the washroom. He’d never, ever admit any of the mess was his and ordered my mom to always clean it up, and she always did. I was lucky he never did those things in my bedroom.  When he was drunk (and sorry, I know this is going to disgust people), he always wanted to see my…you know..  :-\\    to see how big it was, and vented out at me if I didn’t obey him. I never showed him. Who knows what he might have done if I did.

Even if he was this idiot drunk person no one respected and people were ashamed of him, he always had an attitude that he was better than others and we had to respect him, because he was the man of the house.    My dad would often go into my room and look for money…anywhere.. just so that he accumulated enough money to buy a bottle of something. My dad never wanted to go out to friends places, because if he did, he couldn’t get drunk because he had to drive (and mom didn’t know how to). He never did anything mom wanted to do, but we always had to do everything he wanted to do, or we’d get yelled at, or in my mom’s case, threatened to be beaten. Having said that, I've been with him in a car when he was drunk and he almost killed us once. I had to get into a physical fight with him and basically throw him out of the driver's seat when he got stuck on a sidewalk in a parking lot at midnight, over a steep hill.

My mom always want to protect him or just sweep his drinking under a rug. Looking back, I wish she would have left him a long time ago, when I was a kid. I once had to talk my mom out of killing herself (while she had a cutting instrument in the palm of her hand) because of his alcoholism. I think I was 16 or 17 at the time.      My dad, like most alcoholics, never ever admitted to having a problem, he said we were the problem. We tried everything possible for him to get help, but he always thought he was fine. sigh..

Living with a drunk/alcoholic is an awful experience, it’s terrible. My intention is not to  look for any sympathy, instead I am hoping that opening myself up to you might help others here to feel comfortable to share if they have lived or grew up in  an alcoholic family or are currently living with an alcoholic…and to know, you are not alone.

I am here to listen…


That's absolutely terrible. I'm sorry that you had to live through all that. You seem to have turned out well. How did you manage to do that after living through those circumstances?

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: warped on 08/28/13 at 1:12 pm


That's absolutely terrible. I'm sorry that you had to live through all that. You seem to have turned out well. How did you manage to do that after living through those circumstances?


Thanks but it's not just me who lives through that. Several on here had an alcoholic parent or parents, or had an alcoholic spouse.
How did we turn out so well? I dunno. I am warped so I don't know how well that is    ;D

Maybe it's by the grace of God, maybe it's a stance we took, or a decision we made. Maybe it's just pure luck. It could be a combination of many things. I was lucky I was allowed to watch TV at an early age. Seeing shows like "My Three Sons", "Family Affair", "The Brady Bunch", "Courtship of Eddie's father", "The Waltons" and other shows of the time, I realized that my family wasn't normal (and I assumed many families out there were like the TV families). I wanted to be adopted by parents in all of those shows!!! 

I just tried to endure life at home without going insane so that when I was old enough to get a job and work, I'd move out and I'd be rid of the insanity. So I tried to persevere.

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: Foo Bar on 08/30/13 at 11:07 pm


I am here to listen…


Somehow I got lucky, so my experiences are limited; my parents were basically non-drinkers, and one grandparent was what's known as a "happy drunk."  Not an alcoholic, but a heavy drinker, he got sober after his first heart attack and went on for 10-15 more years before cancer unrelated to his drinking caught up with him.  There's nights when I realize I take after him in many ways.  The day I can't leave the rest of the bottle of wine or the rest of the 6-pack in the fridge is the day I stop buying the stuff, lest I wind up falling down the spiral.

It's said that alcohol doesn't make you angry or happy: it just loosens your inhibitions and makes you more of what you already are.  That's true at first. 

_dJ97Vwoup4

For those unfamiliar with it (unfortunately, most of you seem more familiar with it than I do), this documentary describes what end-stage alcoholism looks like.  Take 45 minutes and scare yourself sober.

Closest experience I had to that was a couple of years ago while I was talking shop with the proprietor of my local bottle shop.  I'd been buying my beer there for at least 5 years, and he'd just gotten some fancy craft brew in and we were talking about what to pair it with.  A dude walked in off the street with the same shakes, facial hair, and poor hygiene as the guy in the documentary, bought a bottle of vodka for $3, and shambled back on out the door.  We sorta looked at each other awkwardly for a moment, and I said if he ever noticed me no longer shopping for taste or style, but for ABV-per-dollar, to bar me from his store.  He said he would -- and reminded me that ABV-per-dollar was the wrong metric, it's average alcohol consumption per night.  He's got customers who can afford $8-10 for a hipsterrific 22-oz Imperial IPA, $30-50/bottle for wine, and $50-150/bottle of single malt.  By the time they get to 6-12 standard drinks a day, they're no different from the guy on the street, except that they can also afford dry cleaning.

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: 2kidsami on 08/31/13 at 12:26 am


Somehow I got lucky, so my experiences are limited; my parents were basically non-drinkers, and one grandparent was what's known as a "happy drunk."  Not an alcoholic, but a heavy drinker, he got sober after his first heart attack and went on for 10-15 more years before cancer unrelated to his drinking caught up with him.  There's nights when I realize I take after him in many ways.  The day I can't leave the rest of the bottle of wine or the rest of the 6-pack in the fridge is the day I stop buying the stuff, lest I wind up falling down the spiral.

It's said that alcohol doesn't make you angry or happy: it just loosens your inhibitions and makes you more of what you already are.  That's true at first. 

_dJ97Vwoup4

For those unfamiliar with it (unfortunately, most of you seem more familiar with it than I do), this documentary describes what end-stage alcoholism looks like.  Take 45 minutes and scare yourself sober.

Closest experience I had to that was a couple of years ago while I was talking shop with the proprietor of my local bottle shop.  I'd been buying my beer there for at least 5 years, and he'd just gotten some fancy craft brew in and we were talking about what to pair it with.  A dude walked in off the street with the same shakes, facial hair, and poor hygiene as the guy in the documentary, bought a bottle of vodka for $3, and shambled back on out the door.  We sorta looked at each other awkwardly for a moment, and I said if he ever noticed me no longer shopping for taste or style, but for ABV-per-dollar, to bar me from his store.  He said he would -- and reminded me that ABV-per-dollar was the wrong metric, it's average alcohol consumption per night.  He's got customers who can afford $8-10 for a hipsterrific 22-oz Imperial IPA, $30-50/bottle for wine, and $50-150/bottle of single malt.  By the time they get to 6-12 standard drinks a day, they're no different from the guy on the street, except that they can also afford dry cleaning.
I need to watch that sometime!!!

My father was a "functional" alcoholic.  I only remember my father drink beer (pbr) or coffee in his thermos when he was going truck driving... 

He drank whenever he was at home and not sleeping (he worked nights).  He never was falling down drunk, or peeing anywhere other than the toilet, he didn't puke...  Nothing screamed drunk!  But I do remember many a weekend night him screaming, yelling, and hitting my mom.  He thought she was whoring around (when she was grocery shopping), he took both vehicles (so we were stuck without anything to go anywhere in), he questioned everything about her and her whereabouts...  He disabled her by making her weak!  I promised that would never happen with me!!!

I was lucky, and he left us (no not divorced, just left) when I was about 7.  He only lived for about twice that...  My mother, is still weak to this day.  She can't fix a leak, or change a washer in a sink; because that is a mans job (funny cause I have been doing it at her house since about age 10).  She still asks my husband to do it... 

Again I am blessed, because it made me stronger!  I am no where near naive!!!

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: loki 13 on 09/01/13 at 8:11 pm

I lived with an alcoholic for about 10 years. I watched him go from a social drinker to a functioning drunk to
a self destructing, missing work, spending next weeks paycheck this week drunk. I watched him go from a
happy-go-lucky, nothing can bother me family man to a depressed, self loathing shell of a man. One day he
decided he's had enough, that is when he............I went into the bin to straighten out. August 22, 2000,
the last sip of alcohol I have had.

Family kept me sane, they are the reason I am still here. I truly believe had it not been for them I would have
drank myself right into the grave.

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: c_keenan2001@hotmail.com on 09/01/13 at 8:31 pm

It's hard for me to talk about.  I haven't spoken to the alcoholic in my life for 13 years because he drunk phoned me one night wanting to talk to my mother.  :( I can't forgive him because this has been happening since I was 6 years old and I had no choice but to visit with him.  It wasn't so bad in the begining but after I lost a sibling he sort of fell apart and he and my mother had to separate. 
I tried so hard to have a relationship with him but it didn't work out at all.  And he's never been able to face up to the fact that he's an alcoholic.
I just come to the conclusion lately that my alcoholic won't ever change and I just cut the ties because I knew that if I didn't cut the ties I would end up getting hurt again like I had so many times before that he promised to stop and never lived through with his promise.  I think I was more upset at his inability to keep his promises to me and my brother than I was that he was drinking.

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: ladybug316 on 09/01/13 at 8:39 pm


I lived with an alcoholic for about 10 years. I watched him go from a social drinker to a functioning drunk to
a self destructing, missing work, spending next weeks paycheck this week drunk. I watched him go from a
happy-go-lucky, nothing can bother me family man to a depressed, self loathing shell of a man. One day he
decided he's had enough, that is when he............I went into the bin to straighten out. August 22, 2000,
the last sip of alcohol I have had.

Family kept me sane, they are the reason I am still here. I truly believe had it not been for them I would have
drank myself right into the grave.


Congratulations to you on your sobriety!

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: warped on 09/01/13 at 8:55 pm


I lived with an alcoholic for about 10 years. I watched him go from a social drinker to a functioning drunk to
a self destructing, missing work, spending next weeks paycheck this week drunk. I watched him go from a
happy-go-lucky, nothing can bother me family man to a depressed, self loathing shell of a man. One day he
decided he's had enough, that is when he............I went into the bin to straighten out. August 22, 2000,
the last sip of alcohol I have had.

Family kept me sane, they are the reason I am still here. I truly believe had it not been for them I would have
drank myself right into the grave.


Thanks for sharing this, man.
For every story I have heard and read that the "alcoholic" in ones life (including mine) never changed, you have. :)
Your story is very touching and gives others hope that they too can change. It isn't easy though.

I'm happy you got your life back.

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: 2kidsami on 09/01/13 at 9:02 pm


I lived with an alcoholic for about 10 years. I watched him go from a social drinker to a functioning drunk to
a self destructing, missing work, spending next weeks paycheck this week drunk. I watched him go from a
happy-go-lucky, nothing can bother me family man to a depressed, self loathing shell of a man. One day he
decided he's had enough, that is when he............I went into the bin to straighten out. August 22, 2000,
the last sip of alcohol I have had.

Family kept me sane, they are the reason I am still here. I truly believe had it not been for them I would have
drank myself right into the grave.
You are a truly brave man!!!!  Thank you!!!!!!!

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: Foo Bar on 09/01/13 at 9:04 pm


the last sip of alcohol I have had.


Congrats on the start of the recovery!

For any non-drinkers here who are considering getting started, please remember that although not every social drinker progresses to alcoholism, it still remains true that the fish that doesn't bite can never get hooked.  And every drink qualifies as another nibble. 

http://24.media.tumblr.com/f8f4672172d1f6c2b3e13d697a177bb0/tumblr_ms7iyzpH3S1qcxxt0o1_500.gif

I'd never want to see alcohol banned again, because prohibition was a bad idea then and it's a bad idea now.  I think the present regulations on the production, transport, and consumption of alcohol are more than adequate.  We have plenty of taxation and regulation; what's still missing in our society is education.  I'm a drinker.  Having started in my early 30s, I still enjoy it, but if I had to do it all over again, I, too, would have never started.  I'm not that much happier than I was 10 years ago, and I could have gotten just as much sensual pleasure out of spending another $5-10 per meal on fancy ingredients, rather than beer and wine.

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: c_keenan2001@hotmail.com on 09/01/13 at 9:33 pm


Congrats on the start of the recovery!

For any non-drinkers here who are considering getting started, please remember that although not every social drinker progresses to alcoholism, it still remains true that the fish that doesn't bite can never get hooked.  And every drink qualifies as another nibble. 

http://24.media.tumblr.com/f8f4672172d1f6c2b3e13d697a177bb0/tumblr_ms7iyzpH3S1qcxxt0o1_500.gif

I'd never want to see alcohol banned again, because prohibition was a bad idea then and it's a bad idea now.  I think the present regulations on the production, transport, and consumption of alcohol are more than adequate.  We have plenty of taxation and regulation; what's still missing in our society is education.  I'm a drinker.  Having started in my early 30s, I still enjoy it, but if I had to do it all over again, I, too, would have never started.  I'm not that much happier than I was 10 years ago, and I could have gotten just as much sensual pleasure out of spending another $5-10 per meal on fancy ingredients, rather than beer and wine.


I've never had any real desire to start.  :( I drink occasionally and that's it.  When I took my first drink at 20 I got drunk then when I was 23 I over indulged again twice in a week.  That was when I thought I don't need it because I felt just awful afterwards.  It isn't fun waking up and not knowing WTF happened the night before.  :(

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: Step-chan on 09/01/13 at 10:59 pm


Congrats on the start of the recovery!

For any non-drinkers here who are considering getting started, please remember that although not every social drinker progresses to alcoholism, it still remains true that the fish that doesn't bite can never get hooked.  And every drink qualifies as another nibble. 

http://24.media.tumblr.com/f8f4672172d1f6c2b3e13d697a177bb0/tumblr_ms7iyzpH3S1qcxxt0o1_500.gif

I'd never want to see alcohol banned again, because prohibition was a bad idea then and it's a bad idea now.  I think the present regulations on the production, transport, and consumption of alcohol are more than adequate.  We have plenty of taxation and regulation; what's still missing in our society is education.  I'm a drinker.  Having started in my early 30s, I still enjoy it, but if I had to do it all over again, I, too, would have never started.  I'm not that much happier than I was 10 years ago, and I could have gotten just as much sensual pleasure out of spending another $5-10 per meal on fancy ingredients, rather than beer and wine.


I'm what you would call the "drinks on rare occasions" type. I'll usually buy alcohol a couple of times a year at most.

I'm like that with alcoholic beverages for these reasons:

1. I don't want to become addicted to it. What better way than to rarely buy it, I also don't like bars(I've never even set foot in one).

2. I'm a picky eater and the same goes with alcohol. These are the only alcoholic drinks I love: Razzmatazz, Plum Wine, Mike's Hard Black Cherry Lemonades, Margaritas and Mojitos(The last ones I've only had in wine cooler form). Beer, malt liquor and almost all hard liquor I can't stand the smell of. Any smell that makes me gag or turn my head away is more than enough to convince me not to try it.

3. The drunken/tipsy buzz is overrated. I've only gotten plastered once in my life and regretted it the next morning. Gotten tipsy drunk every other time. It's amusing to be in that state at first, but the novelty of it starts to get old after about 40 minutes with me.

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: warped on 09/02/13 at 3:23 pm


It's hard for me to talk about.  I haven't spoken to the alcoholic in my life for 13 years because he drunk phoned me one night wanting to talk to my mother.  :( I can't forgive him because this has been happening since I was 6 years old and I had no choice but to visit with him.  It wasn't so bad in the begining but after I lost a sibling he sort of fell apart and he and my mother had to separate. 
I tried so hard to have a relationship with him but it didn't work out at all.  And he's never been able to face up to the fact that he's an alcoholic.
I just come to the conclusion lately that my alcoholic won't ever change and I just cut the ties because I knew that if I didn't cut the ties I would end up getting hurt again like I had so many times before that he promised to stop and never lived through with his promise.  I think I was more upset at his inability to keep his promises to me and my brother than I was that he was drinking.


That sucks... :-\\
Many alcoholics don't face up that they are an alcoholic.  My dad never did. We are all able to see and witness the changes the person makes in slowly turning into an alcoholic. But the alcoholic doesn't see himself (or herself) that way.  My dad always drank alone (never with others) and always needed his bottle and mom was always afraid what he was going to do when he went to bed at night. She never said anything much because she just wanted everyone to see that "everything was fine", but it wasn't. She was in denial..just pretend everything is beautiful.  It would have been much better for my mom to have left that relationship early, instead of hanging around an abusive pompous alcoholic jerk that my dad was.

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: c_keenan2001@hotmail.com on 09/02/13 at 4:26 pm


That sucks... :-\\
Many alcoholics don't face up that they are an alcoholic.  My dad never did. We are all able to see and witness the changes the person makes in slowly turning into an alcoholic. But the alcoholic doesn't see himself (or herself) that way.  My dad always drank alone (never with others) and always needed his bottle and mom was always afraid what he was going to do when he went to bed at night. She never said anything much because she just wanted everyone to see that "everything was fine", but it wasn't. She was in denial..just pretend everything is beautiful.  It would have been much better for my mom to have left that relationship early, instead of hanging around an abusive pompous alcoholic jerk that my dad was.


You too? I guess I'm not the only one who's had a horrendous life with somemone who doesn't care.  My mother left right away and tried very hard to protect us from my dad when he was drunk.  :-\\ From the outside it seemed like I had a good life, no cares in the world, and two parents who cared enough to not put us in harm's way.  There was a lot of violence with the drinking against my mother.  My mom ended up shipping us off to our grandparent's, her parent's, house for a month while my cousin and mother were getting it together.  They took us into their house but it was so frightening to me that my mother would leave and she wouldn't come back for us.  Everytime my grandparents took us back to their place I would cry and scream until I went to sleep.  ::) Try putting the words "it's okay Celeste.  You'll see her again" into the head of a 6 year old child who saw people around her disappearing. 
I didn't want to leave my mother for fear that she would disappear on me too. :-\\ It's still a very real fear that I have.

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: warped on 09/02/13 at 5:16 pm


My mother left right away and tried very hard to protect us from my dad when he was drunk.



I wish my mom had the courage to do what your mom did...My mom was unable to do what your mom did though. First of all we had no relatives around to dump the kids with (all my relatives are in Europe), and my mom had cancer when I was in the 2nd grade. She wasn't healthy enough to take off with us anywhere, and all the finances were in dad's name only.



  :-\\ From the outside it seemed like I had a good life, no cares in the world, and two parents who cared enough to not put us in harm's way.  There was a lot of violence with the drinking against my mother.  My mom ended up shipping us off to our grandparent's, her parent's, house for a month while my cousin and mother were getting it together.  They took us into their house but it was so frightening to me that my mother would leave and she wouldn't come back for us.  Everytime my grandparents took us back to their place I would cry and scream until I went to sleep.  ::) Try putting the words "it's okay Celeste.  You'll see her again" into the head of a 6 year old child who saw people around her disappearing. 
I didn't want to leave my mother for fear that she would disappear on me too. :-\\ It's still a very real fear that I have.


:-\\  ..internet hugs to you...

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: c_keenan2001@hotmail.com on 09/03/13 at 2:03 am


I wish my mom had the courage to do what your mom did...My mom was unable to do what your mom did though. First of all we had no relatives around to dump the kids with (all my relatives are in Europe), and my mom had cancer when I was in the 2nd grade. She wasn't healthy enough to take off with us anywhere, and all the finances were in dad's name only.


It sounds like your mother felt that she couldn't live without your father and she thought it's better to keep the family together instead of separating and making both sides happy.

:-\\  ..internet hugs to you...


Thank you Warped.  I'm fine now that I don't have to deal with my father anymore.  My other cousin said my dad has told her that he "doesn't understand why I won't contact him?"?  I have plenty of relatives who are unknowingly being used as "pawns" in whatever stuff my dad is into now.  :( Which I don't really care about at all.  :(  It's not that I don't love my dad.  I do.  But I have my grandfather in my life now and he's been more of a father like figure than my actual father was.  :)

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: Foo Bar on 09/03/13 at 3:45 am


I've never had any real desire to start.  :( I drink occasionally and that's it.  When I took my first drink at 20 I got drunk then when I was 23 I over indulged again twice in a week.  That was when I thought I don't need it because I felt just awful afterwards.  It isn't fun waking up and not knowing WTF happened the night before.  :(


You're doing it right!  I've never woken up and wondered WTF happened the night before -- well, not since college, and that was 20+ years ago, and I've grown up since then.  The risk of growing up is realizing just how much you can drink before waking up with a hangover.  Over 5-10 years, that amount will increase, and that's how alcoholism starts. 


3. The drunken/tipsy buzz is overrated. I've only gotten plastered once in my life and regretted it the next morning. Gotten tipsy drunk every other time. It's amusing to be in that state at first, but the novelty of it starts to get old after about 40 minutes with me.


You're also doing it right!  Keep doing that, and keep not doing what you're not doing.

Where I got into the habit was from living in an area where there's a pretty awesome selection of world-class wines and craft beers.  Getting drunk is overrated, if I could have these flavors without the buzz, I'd be delighted!  (As a hophead, one of my favorites is Alpha Session which packs most of the flavor of a 7-10% IPA into a beer that's a mere 3.8% ABV, but having access to a low-alcohol session beer doesn't help me in the wine department.)

http://pleated-jeans.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/physiological-effects-of-alcohol.png

Random thought for the night:  Drinking feels great while you're doing it, but it sucks the next morning.  Exercise sucks balls while you're doing it, but feels pretty good the next morning.  Damn, I'm funny, and I'm a great dancer too!

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: MaxwellSmart on 09/04/13 at 10:26 pm


That sucks... :-\\
Many alcoholics don't face up that they are an alcoholic.  My dad never did. We are all able to see and witness the changes the person makes in slowly turning into an alcoholic. But the alcoholic doesn't see himself (or herself) that way.  My dad always drank alone (never with others) and always needed his bottle and mom was always afraid what he was going to do when he went to bed at night. She never said anything much because she just wanted everyone to see that "everything was fine", but it wasn't. She was in denial..just pretend everything is beautiful.  It would have been much better for my mom to have left that relationship early, instead of hanging around an abusive pompous alcoholic jerk that my dad was.


My father still denies that his mother was an alcoholic!  Are you effing kidding me? The woman had vodka flowing through her veins!  So did everybody on his side of the family.  My dad isn't an alcoholic, but he acts just like one.  When my grandmother would go to the hospital, she'd get the DTs and have to be put under sedation!

Not an alcoholic, my ass!
::)

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: c_keenan2001@hotmail.com on 09/04/13 at 10:39 pm


My father still denies that his mother was an alcoholic!  Are you effing kidding me? The woman had vodka flowing through her veins!  So did everybody on his side of the family.  My dad isn't an alcoholic, but he acts just like one.  When my grandmother would go to the hospital, she'd get the DTs and have to be put under sedation!

Not an alcoholic, my ass!
::)


My dad always blamed everyone but himself for his circumstances.  How can it be such and such a person's fault when you don't even take responsibilty for what you do? God dad! GROW THE FUDGING HELL UP WILL YOU?

And then things got embarrassing when my dad came by the school yard to visit with us because he claimed that my mother wouldn't let him see us all.  The truth is that my mother wouldn't let him see us while he was drunk.  :(

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: warped on 09/10/13 at 5:23 pm


My dad always blamed everyone but himself for his circumstances.  How can it be such and such a person's fault when you don't even take responsibilty for what you do? God dad! GROW THE FUDGING HELL UP WILL YOU?

And then things got embarrassing when my dad came by the school yard to visit with us because he claimed that my mother wouldn't let him see us all.  The truth is that my mother wouldn't let him see us while he was drunk.  :(


My dad also blamed everyone else for his circumstances. Firstly, he always thought he was better than everyone else. Secondly, because he did very well in school and taught in University, he thought he was smarter than everyone else. And he would tell them so ( whether he was drunk or not). He obviously alienated people instead because he acted like a snob. Sadly,he thought everyone should respect him and treat him better than others because he threw his title of in everyone's face. He even insisted I call him by his title, which I never did...lol. Never mind he was drunk all the time. He still expected people to respect him when he was pissing on the kitchen floor.  :-\\

My parents had friends but they were my parents friends because of my mom. No one could stand my dad...drunk or sober. My dad was like an alcoholic Archie Bunker. Racist as hell too. He thought everyone respected him because he excelled at school (which he did) and was outstanding in his field (which he was), but he never realized everyone pitied him and felt sorry for him because he had no social skills and was drunk everyday, and often wanted to beat up everyone in the household . Just like you, I wish my dad would grow up or grow out of it, but he never did.  He would blow rent money on alcohol and we had to ask friends to give us food for a few days (so the food money could go to pay rent)

My mother never had the strength like your mom to do anything.  I think you should be thankful she did... I ended up protecting my dad from my mom by the time I was 10 or 11, otherwise he'd beat her up.

I know it's very hard for others here to understand, but I think my dad was scum, and I'm happy he's no longer on earth. I'm glad I turned out fairly normal..but that is debatable  ;D  I am warped.  :D

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: 2kidsami on 09/10/13 at 7:00 pm

I just wish people would realize what an alcoholic is!!!!  An alcoholic does not have to be a raving lunatic, laying in their own puke, or even stumbling around!  There are many forms of alcoholism!

There are plenty of people who are "functional" alcoholics..  Hold a job, go out, have hobbies. They just also drink most days to a "mood altering" state!  A lot of times they are depressed, suffer anxiety, or just unhappy with the world hat they are in! 

You can tell these alcoholics, by the consistent drinks at the end of the day, all weekend, every social situation!!! 

Many times they get boisterous, loud, and speak up against the things they consider unjust!  The people around them walk on egg shells, so they don't get too loud and be embarrassing yet again.  Or they just drink and goo bed..  No socialization, no nothing!  Just drink! 

My dad was a functional alcoholic, with a side of anger and insecurity issues!  I spot I in my brother-in-law he cannot come home from work without an 18 pack in the back of his truck in a cooler.  I have a friend who des not go out or do anything, as her husband makes her the butt of his jokes when he's drinking.  I have watched his relationship with alcohol, change her!  I fear the family will eventually come to an end, or for her sake she ends it! 

These are the hardest cases to get people to break! 

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: c_keenan2001@hotmail.com on 09/10/13 at 10:04 pm


I just wish people would realize what an alcoholic is!!!!  An alcoholic does not have to be a raving lunatic, laying in their own puke, or even stumbling around!  There are many forms of alcoholism!

There are plenty of people who are "functional" alcoholics..  Hold a job, go out, have hobbies. They just also drink most days to a "mood altering" state!  A lot of times they are depressed, suffer anxiety, or just unhappy with the world hat they are in! 

You can tell these alcoholics, by the consistent drinks at the end of the day, all weekend, every social situation!!! 

Many times they get boisterous, loud, and speak up against the things they consider unjust!  The people around them walk on egg shells, so they don't get too loud and be embarrassing yet again.  Or they just drink and goo bed..  No socialization, no nothing!  Just drink! 

My dad was a functional alcoholic, with a side of anger and insecurity issues!  I spot I in my brother-in-law he cannot come home from work without an 18 pack in the back of his truck in a cooler.  I have a friend who des not go out or do anything, as her husband makes her the butt of his jokes when he's drinking.  I have watched his relationship with alcohol, change her!  I fear the family will eventually come to an end, or for her sake she ends it! 

These are the hardest cases to get people to break!


My dad also blamed everyone else for his circumstances. Firstly, he always thought he was better than everyone else. Secondly, because he did very well in school and taught in University, he thought he was smarter than everyone else. And he would tell them so ( whether he was drunk or not). He obviously alienated people instead because he acted like a snob. Sadly,he thought everyone should respect him and treat him better than others because he threw his title of in everyone's face. He even insisted I call him by his title, which I never did...lol. Never mind he was drunk all the time. He still expected people to respect him when he was pissing on the kitchen floor. 

My dad just never took responsibility for anything for that he did when he was drunk.  I always ended up having to protect my brother from him when I was 12.  I think he couldn't function properly drunk or sober. 
He thought that my mother was too soft on us kids and she let us do what we wanted to do but the truth is that my dad had no clue at all what we did because he didn't really care. 
In fact I would avoid my mom and dad all together by taking my bike up to the library and doing some reading.  Just to avoid their fighting and to avoid the coffee cup throws that my mother had with my brother

My parents had friends but they were my parents friends because of my mom. No one could stand my dad...drunk or sober. My dad was like an alcoholic Archie Bunker. Racist as hell too. He thought everyone respected him because he excelled at school (which he did) and was outstanding in his field (which he was), but he never realized everyone pitied him and felt sorry for him because he had no social skills and was drunk everyday, and often wanted to beat up everyone in the household . Just like you, I wish my dad would grow up or grow out of it, but he never did.  He would blow rent money on alcohol and we had to ask friends to give us food for a few days (so the food money could go to pay rent)


My grandmother and grandfather were the ones who couldn't stand my dad.  Everytime my grandmother said anything about my dad it was right in front of me or it was loud enough that one of us could hear her.  :P

My mother never had the strength like your mom to do anything.  I think you should be thankful she did... I ended up protecting my dad from my mom by the time I was 10 or 11, otherwise he'd beat her up.


I wanted to kill my dad when I was 12 but that's just because I hated everything that he had become with the alcohol.  I am thankful that my mother tried to protect us from that but at the same time I really wish my dad had considered that he needed help.  :(  What's going to happen when I get married and have a family of my own? Is he going to get drunk and hurt me, my husband, and any kids that I may have? This is why I don't have any kids at the moment.  :(  I'm aftaid that if my dad gets "grandparent's rights" he'll screw any kids that I may potentionally have up like he screwed me up.  :(

I know it's very hard for others here to understand, but I think my dad was scum, and I'm happy he's no longer on earth. I'm glad I turned out fairly normal..but that is debatable    I am warped. 


I feel the same way about my dad that you feel about yours Warped.  This is why I'm glad that my dad is on the other side of the country and that I'm old enough now that I don't have to have a relationship.  I wouldn't say that my life is entirely normal but it's at the very least average.  :)

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: warped on 09/11/13 at 7:23 am



I wanted to kill my dad when I was 12 but that's just because I hated everything that he had become with the alcohol.



Yeah, I wished my dad was dead when I was 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13,14...etc.. :D


I am thankful that my mother tried to protect us from that but at the same time I really wish my dad had considered that he needed help.  :(  What's going to happen when I get married and have a family of my own? Is he going to get drunk and hurt me, my husband, and any kids that I may have? This is why I don't have any kids at the moment.  :(  I'm aftaid that if my dad gets "grandparent's rights" he'll screw any kids that I may potentionally have up like he screwed me up.  :(


This. I had the same thoughts. Esp after I married an Asian person. My dad hates anyone that wasn't white...they had to be white & educated too. Even whites without a college degree or masters were just fools to him and had to bow down to his superior intellect. Give him 5 or 6 drinks and he'll tell them to their face why he hates them or why they should worship him. (you can obviously see why my dad had no friends and no one liked him. An alcoholic Archie Bunker)

We didn't have kids but if we did, I would never have left them with him. Never.

One story from our wedding...we had our wedding reception in a church. My dad wanted to have it in a restaurant so he could drink. (Church basement doesn't have a liquor license, thank goodness). My dad complained and whined that he couldn't drink. So he said he was gonna stay home by himself with his precious bottle and get hammered during my wedding. I said "Great..I love it..I don't want you there anyways!!!"

Eventually, he changed his mind & he decided to come, just a few days before the wedding. And he said he was gonna drink there, and bring bottles with him and hide them.  I told him "Dad, we might get kicked out of the Church if you get caught with alcohol and drinking it and screaming racial obscenities..etc..". He didn't care. He would go to that extent to wreck our wedding.  The night before the wedding...it was about 8pm at night, wedding was around noon the next day.. the two of us had a fight. He showed me 10 of 15 little bottles of rum, vodka, and how he'd hide it in his suit and he'd drink 3 or 4 every hour and no one was gonna stop him. He was gonna get hammered and no one on earth could stop him.

So, I then forbid him to attend our wedding. He got mad, screaming at me.

He said he was coming, he was gonna get drunk, and didn't care what he'd do to our wedding. I told him I would personally stand outside, wait for him to come, and if he showed up, I'd call the cops on him. He called me names and he pushed me. I pushed him back. He took a swing at me and missed. I picked him up and slammed him against the wall, took my fist and put a hole through the drywall (yes, my right wrist hurt on my wedding day) . Seconds later I kicked a huge hole through the drywall, right beside him. I told him if he brought any alcohol at all to the wedding and showed up drunk, I would never speak to either parent as long as I live and that I would do to his face...what I did to the drywall.

That scared him enough to not bring any alcohol to the wedding ceremony. He decided to throw a party at his home after the wedding (I did not attend) because he said "My disrespectful son is getting married..I have to get drunk...no one will stop me ". yeah, whatever...

ahh, just another day in our household. :D



I feel the same way about my dad that you feel about yours Warped.  This is why I'm glad that my dad is on the other side of the country and that I'm old enough now that I don't have to have a relationship.  I wouldn't say that my life is entirely normal but it's at the very least average.  :)


Life was not normal, but we had to do what we had to do. Some of the experiences I have had has made me stronger.

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: Dagwood on 09/11/13 at 7:54 am



One story from our wedding...we had our wedding reception in a church. My dad wanted to have it in a restaurant so he could drink. (Church basement doesn't have a liquor license, thank goodness). My dad complained and whined that he couldn't drink. So he said he was gonna stay home by himself with his precious bottle and get hammered during my wedding. I said "Great..I love it..I don't want you there anyways!!!"

Eventually, he changed his mind & he decided to come, just a few days before the wedding. And he said he was gonna drink there, and bring bottles with him and hide them.  I told him "Dad, we might get kicked out of the Church if you get caught with alcohol and drinking it and screaming racial obscenities..etc..". He didn't care. He would go to that extent to wreck our wedding.  The night before the wedding...it was about 8pm at night, wedding was around noon the next day.. the two of us had a fight. He showed me 10 of 15 little bottles of rum, vodka, and how he'd hide it in his suit and he'd drink 3 or 4 every hour and no one was gonna stop him. He was gonna get hammered and no one on earth could stop him.

So, I then forbid him to attend our wedding. He got mad, screaming at me.

He said he was coming, he was gonna get drunk, and didn't care what he'd do to our wedding. I told him I would personally stand outside, wait for him to come, and if he showed up, I'd call the cops on him. He called me names and he pushed me. I pushed him back. He took a swing at me and missed. I picked him up and slammed him against the wall, took my fist and put a hole through the drywall (yes, my right wrist hurt on my wedding day) . Seconds later I kicked a huge hole through the drywall, right beside him. I told him if he brought any alcohol at all to the wedding and showed up drunk, I would never speak to either parent as long as I live and that I would do to his face...what I did to the drywall.

That scared him enough to not bring any alcohol to the wedding ceremony. He decided to throw a party at his home after the wedding (I did not attend) because he said "My disrespectful son is getting married..I have to get drunk...no one will stop me ". yeah, whatever...


Wow.  It is amazing how much alcohol controls the lives of alcoholics. 

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: 80sfan on 09/11/13 at 11:52 am


My dad also blamed everyone else for his circumstances. Firstly, he always thought he was better than everyone else. Secondly, because he did very well in school and taught in University, he thought he was smarter than everyone else. And he would tell them so ( whether he was drunk or not). He obviously alienated people instead because he acted like a snob. Sadly,he thought everyone should respect him and treat him better than others because he threw his title of in everyone's face. He even insisted I call him by his title, which I never did...lol. Never mind he was drunk all the time. He still expected people to respect him when he was pissing on the kitchen floor.  :-\\

My parents had friends but they were my parents friends because of my mom. No one could stand my dad...drunk or sober. My dad was like an alcoholic Archie Bunker. Racist as hell too. He thought everyone respected him because he excelled at school (which he did) and was outstanding in his field (which he was), but he never realized everyone pitied him and felt sorry for him because he had no social skills and was drunk everyday, and often wanted to beat up everyone in the household . Just like you, I wish my dad would grow up or grow out of it, but he never did.  He would blow rent money on alcohol and we had to ask friends to give us food for a few days (so the food money could go to pay rent)

My mother never had the strength like your mom to do anything.  I think you should be thankful she did... I ended up protecting my dad from my mom by the time I was 10 or 11, otherwise he'd beat her up.

I know it's very hard for others here to understand, but I think my dad was scum, and I'm happy he's no longer on earth. I'm glad I turned out fairly normal..but that is debatable  ;D  I am warped.  :D


I don't get it. If your dad thought/still thinks he was/is the king of the universe, why did he self-destruct so?

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: 80sfan on 09/11/13 at 11:53 am

I won't ever understand how it is to live with an alcoholic, but I do understand the control/power play that comes along with toxic personalities.

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: warped on 09/11/13 at 12:21 pm


I don't get it. If your dad thought/still thinks he was/is the king of the universe, why did he self-destruct so?


That is a very difficult question to answer. All I can say is that my dad didn't realize he was self destructing, he never thought he did anything wrong. To him, being racist was "normal behavior". Getting drunk was "normal behavior". Hating and cursing anything he didn't like was "normal behavior".  "We" were the problem, not him. The fact we all walked on eggshells wondering what idiotic thing he was gonna do next was "our problem", because he was fine.

No one ever had an intervention with him, but when friends got together and told him "Hey, you have a drinking problem", my dad's first reaction was to yell at them and ask them to leave (while he insulted them). It was like talking to a brick wall. A brick wall that yelled back at you. ;D

My dad never ever thought he was ever the problem. So according to him, he never self-destructed, we were just being mean and disrespectful to him.

It's like the lyrics from the song "Life's been good" by Joe Walsh "Everybody's so different, I haven't changed"
This is what my dad thought.

I hope this answers your question a little.  :-\\

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: 80sfan on 09/11/13 at 12:59 pm


That is a very difficult question to answer. All I can say is that my dad didn't realize he was self destructing, he never thought he did anything wrong. To him, being racist was "normal behavior". Getting drunk was "normal behavior". Hating and cursing anything he didn't like was "normal behavior".  "We" were the problem, not him. The fact we all walked on eggshells wondering what idiotic thing he was gonna do next was "our problem", because he was fine.

No one ever had an intervention with him, but when friends got together and told him "Hey, you have a drinking problem", my dad's first reaction was to yell at them and ask them to leave (while he insulted them). It was like talking to a brick wall. A brick wall that yelled back at you. ;D

My dad never ever thought he was ever the problem. So according to him, he never self-destructed, we were just being mean and disrespectful to him.

It's like the lyrics from the song "Life's been good" by Joe Walsh "Everybody's so different, I haven't changed"
This is what my dad thought.

I hope this answers your question a little.  :-\\


People who can't see themselves and love themselves (if you can call that love) too much, scare me. It's like they're possessed or something, like an entity entered their body and they're never able to see past their own opinions, etc, etc.

Seriously, they do scare me.

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: 2kidsami on 09/11/13 at 1:05 pm


People who can't see themselves and love themselves (if you can call that love) too much, scare me. It's like they're possessed or something, like an entity entered their body and they're never able to see past their own opinions, etc, etc.

Seriously, they do scare me.
While my experience was different from Warped's, I don't remember as self destructive behavior or as negative behavior towards others!  I don't believe my father "couldn't love himself", but I do believe he was haunted by the past.  I am not sure if his first marriage broke up do to infidelity (it has never been discussed), I know his children on the other side were unhappy he remarried, his parents died when he was young (he changed his age to join the army to support the younger siblings).  The past seemed to overwhelm him and such that was Los his present.  So he lashed out, then he drank... 

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: warped on 09/12/13 at 7:30 am


People who can't see themselves and love themselves (if you can call that love) too much, scare me. It's like they're possessed or something, like an entity entered their body and they're never able to see past their own opinions, etc, etc.

Seriously, they do scare me.


They scare lots of people, yes.
Part of it was my mom's fault. Dad would drink and drink and shout out his racist thoughts, in an arrogant way, didn't matter who was visiting the household. I lost a few friends (as a kid) coz they didn't wanna come over to our place, they thought my dad was mean, evil & insane!
He would hurt others left and right with his words and mom just sat there and did nothing. When I tried to speak up against my dad, I would get scolded by my mom! She'd say "your father is a great and wonderful man and loves us very much.." (made me puke) 

Mom's "non-action" just fed the monster even more. She either didn't want to face the situation or was in denial...or didn't want to get yelled at or beat up. She was very afraid. Everyone around her knew that, but she didnt want to face it.

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: c_keenan2001@hotmail.com on 09/12/13 at 4:12 pm


That is a very difficult question to answer. All I can say is that my dad didn't realize he was self destructing, he never thought he did anything wrong. To him, being racist was "normal behavior". Getting drunk was "normal behavior". Hating and cursing anything he didn't like was "normal behavior".  "We" were the problem, not him. The fact we all walked on eggshells wondering what idiotic thing he was gonna do next was "our problem", because he was fine.

No one ever had an intervention with him, but when friends got together and told him "Hey, you have a drinking problem", my dad's first reaction was to yell at them and ask them to leave (while he insulted them). It was like talking to a brick wall. A brick wall that yelled back at you. ;D

My dad never ever thought he was ever the problem. So according to him, he never self-destructed, we were just being mean and disrespectful to him.

It's like the lyrics from the song "Life's been good" by Joe Walsh "Everybody's so different, I haven't changed"
This is what my dad thought.

I hope this answers your question a little.  :-\\


It was the same with my dad.  Nobody thought an intervention would work back then and I don't think it will work now.  To me it wasn't the worst thing in the world to sever the ties with dad just because getting hurt over and over again is just not the "tops" on my list of priorities right now.  It never was.  I thought that I had put a stop to it when I demanded that he stop drinking in front of us.  But it wasn't enough and he just kept right on doing it.

It wasn't just me being angry with my dad wasn't working but it was also stressing me out with all of the worrying I was doing about what my classmates thought of my dad.  :( Not a nice thing to go through when you've reached that critical stage in your life where you need both of your parents and one of them don't give a rat's behind about you one way or another.  :(

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: warped on 09/12/13 at 7:01 pm



It wasn't just me being angry with my dad wasn't working but it was also stressing me out with all of the worrying I was doing about what my classmates thought of my dad.  :( Not a nice thing to go through when you've reached that critical stage in your life where you need both of your parents and one of them don't give a rat's behind about you one way or another.  :(


I hear ya. I had concerns about that too...so I ended up not bringing too many school friends home, I was way too embarrassed they would have to meet my dad. Same for girlfriends. I always had to prepare my gf's way in advance about my dad, and most of them I never brought home.  :-\\.  One time I brought home this nice Christian girl, really naive girl. My dad kept offering her cigarettes, alcohol and kept asking if she took drugs. He wasn't even drunk yet.  My dad was an incredible a$$hole, tried to just piss me off in any way possible and destroy pretty much any friendship I ever had. He was total scum. I am so glad he's dead.

But you know what? We are free now of all that. I got married well over 20 years ago, have a nice wife, we have a decent life..and our life had NOTHING to do with my dad after I got married.

You have your own life now, free to chose your friends, free to find a guy you like and free to live the rest of your life. It's your life. Only you can live it. Don't let him control you anymore. Don't have those fears anymore that he may not like your bf or if you have kids. I know it's hard but keep trying.  :)

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: loki 13 on 09/13/13 at 6:16 pm

I have been reading through these post and I really feel for all of you that had to go through this. I
also wonder, change that, I also know that this is what I put my children through and how they felt
about me. A few years ago I posted an abridged version of my life as an alcoholic. If anyone wishes
to read it, it is here.

http://www.inthe00s.com/index.php?topic=29216.msg1420327#msg1420327

As I reread my story I couldn't help but to remember Isabel, and what she meant to these boards and to me.  :\'(

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: 2kidsami on 09/13/13 at 7:51 pm


I have been reading through these post and I really feel for all of you that had to go through this. I
also wonder, change that, I also know that this is what I put my children through and how they felt
about me. A few years ago I posted an abridged version of my life as an alcoholic. If anyone wishes
to read it, it is here.

http://www.inthe00s.com/index.php?topic=29216.msg1420327#msg1420327

As I reread my story I couldn't help but to remember Isabel, and what she meant to these boards and to me.  :\'(
wow!  You are a strong person!  It takes a lot of love and determination to admit, change, and stay clean! No matter what the addiction! 

I admire you so much!  Thanks for the story!

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: loki 13 on 09/13/13 at 8:14 pm


wow!  You are a strong person!  It takes a lot of love and determination to admit, change, and stay clean! No matter what the addiction! 

I admire you so much!  Thanks for the story!


You're welcome for the story and Thank you very much for the kind words. Through the whole ordeal I had plenty
of support from family and friends. It was through them that I was able to accomplish what needed to be done.

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: 2kidsami on 09/13/13 at 8:22 pm


You're welcome for the story and Thank you very much for the kind words. Through the whole ordeal I had plenty
of support from family and friends. It was through them that I was able to accomplish what needed to be done.
you are a role model! 

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: c_keenan2001@hotmail.com on 09/13/13 at 11:44 pm


I won't ever understand how it is to live with an alcoholic, but I do understand the control/power play that comes along with toxic personalities.


Exactly.  When I severed my relationship with my dad I knew that I was doing the right thing.  Even though I didn't think that I was a very good daughter at the time for doing that.  I was sick and tired of being hurt by someone who, supposedly, loves me.  Just because he drunk phone called me wanting to talk to my mother, wanting to talk to me, and I just got so upset about it. :(
But now that I look at it if he doesn't understand why it is that I won't contact him, and I haven't contacted him for almost 14 years,  and it really upset me. 
I can't forgive someone who was always drunk in front of me. Maybe in time I will forgive him but for right now I can't. Now he's drinking himself stupid supposedly because it helps him to sleep.  :( Fine asshole whatever helps you sleep at night.  :P

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: Badfinger-fan on 09/14/13 at 12:16 am


I have been reading through these post and I really feel for all of you that had to go through this. I
also wonder, change that, I also know that this is what I put my children through and how they felt
about me. A few years ago I posted an abridged version of my life as an alcoholic. If anyone wishes
to read it, it is here.

http://www.inthe00s.com/index.php?topic=29216.msg1420327#msg1420327

As I reread my story I couldn't help but to remember Isabel, and what she meant to these boards and to me.  :\'(
ahhh Isabel  :\'(  what a beautiful, smart, witty, caring and fiery young lady she was. she is missed

so Kevin, are you able to be around people that are drinking or do you need to avoid those gatherings to protect your sobriety?

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: warped on 09/14/13 at 7:49 am


I have been reading through these post and I really feel for all of you that had to go through this. I
also wonder, change that, I also know that this is what I put my children through and how they felt
about me. A few years ago I posted an abridged version of my life as an alcoholic. If anyone wishes
to read it, it is here.

http://www.inthe00s.com/index.php?topic=29216.msg1420327#msg1420327

As I reread my story I couldn't help but to remember Isabel, and what she meant to these boards and to me.  :\'(



wow!  You are a strong person!  It takes a lot of love and determination to admit, change, and stay clean! No matter what the addiction! 

I admire you so much!  Thanks for the story!


you are a role model! 


What she said. I could not have written it any better. Karma.

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: loki 13 on 09/14/13 at 9:12 am


you are a role model!



What she said. I could not have written it any better. Karma.


Wow, I am flattered, a bit humbled and to be honest...speechless. I don't know what to say other than
thank you.


I can add that I chose to tell my story with hopes that if even one person with a problem can see that there is
a way out of hell. If one can benefit from my horrors to help themselves or help others than it was worth it.

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: loki 13 on 09/14/13 at 9:24 am


ahhh Isabel  :\'(  what a beautiful, smart, witty, caring and fiery young lady she was. she is missed

so Kevin, are you able to be around people that are drinking or do you need to avoid those gatherings to protect your sobriety?


Mike, it has been awhile.

I have no desire to drink alcohol. I can go to restaurants, wedding receptions and just last week, a surprise
birthday party, it doesn't bother me at all. I think the reason is that I know the consequence, my family and
my life are too important to me to fall back into old habits.

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: warped on 09/14/13 at 10:01 am



I can add that I chose to tell my story with hopes that if even one person with a problem can see that there is
a way out of hell. If one can benefit from my horrors to help themselves or help others than it was worth it.



You are definitely a role model for others to follow. There might be 1 or more members of inthe00s in the same place you were or going through something similar to you and after reading your testimony, they will see that there is hope for them and it’s not a totally lost cause. There is a way out. It isn't hopeless.

Your honest sharing in your powerful post is essential to this thread.  I wish I were allowed to karma you twice in one day.  :)

Thank you SO MUCH for showing others...there is a way out!!!!

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: c_keenan2001@hotmail.com on 09/14/13 at 1:16 pm


I hear ya. I had concerns about that too...so I ended up not bringing too many school friends home, I was way too embarrassed they would have to meet my dad. Same for girlfriends. I always had to prepare my gf's way in advance about my dad, and most of them I never brought home.  :-\\.  One time I brought home this nice Christian girl, really naive girl. My dad kept offering her cigarettes, alcohol and kept asking if she took drugs. He wasn't even drunk yet.  My dad was an incredible a$$hole, tried to just piss me off in any way possible and destroy pretty much any friendship I ever had. He was total scum. I am so glad he's dead.

But you know what? We are free now of all that. I got married well over 20 years ago, have a nice wife, we have a decent life..and our life had NOTHING to do with my dad after I got married.

You have your own life now, free to chose your friends, free to find a guy you like and free to live the rest of your life. It's your life. Only you can live it. Don't let him control you anymore. Don't have those fears anymore that he may not like your bf or if you have kids. I know it's hard but keep trying.  :)


You're right.  The children of alcoholics have got to stick together.  :) Even though it's hard for me to think ahead to what might happen I know that I need to stop being so worried.  I've severed the ties to him and if he doesn't understand why I did that then it's HIS problem not MINE!  :)

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: warped on 09/16/13 at 4:27 pm


Even though it's hard for me to think ahead to what might happen I know that I need to stop being so worried.  I've severed the ties to him and if he doesn't understand why I did that then it's HIS problem not MINE!  :)


Yes, you need to stop worrying. You are an adult now. You are in the prime of your life. Go out and life your life...the way you want to. Don't be held back by something that won't be part of your life (yes, I know, easier said that done)

Many of us have so many things that tie us down, and we're in bondage or a slave to it. Once I became an adult, I had the ability to live my own life and not be tied down by a semi-violent racist alcoholic. I have never looked back. Sure, the memories are still there and won't ever go away, but it's the past for me. It's over. I have moved on. This thread has surprisingly been a blessing for me, as I'm able to type out all these posts without any anger towards him. It's so long ago if feels like it belongs in a different lifetime than the one I have. That might sound weird, but it's true.

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: c_keenan2001@hotmail.com on 09/17/13 at 2:08 pm


Yes, you need to stop worrying. You are an adult now. You are in the prime of your life. Go out and life your life...the way you want to. Don't be held back by something that won't be part of your life (yes, I know, easier said that done)

Many of us have so many things that tie us down, and we're in bondage or a slave to it. Once I became an adult, I had the ability to live my own life and not be tied down by a semi-violent racist alcoholic. I have never looked back. Sure, the memories are still there and won't ever go away, but it's the past for me. It's over. I have moved on. This thread has surprisingly been a blessing for me, as I'm able to type out all these posts without any anger towards him. It's so long ago if feels like it belongs in a different lifetime than the one I have. That might sound weird, but it's true.


Yeah me too.  I've been able to vent for the life time of disappointments and hurt in my life because of the way that dad treated me.  You would think that someone who got screwed up because of his mother would at least try to understand his own child that doesn't want any contact with him.
I hate the fact that I never allowed mysef to show any emotion and how angry I was that he'd show up at my functions drunk or whatever.  I'm glad that this thread is here for me to vent.
I try venting my frustration with him to my family but they don't seem to care too much either.  In fact my aunt said "if you spend too much time getting angry you'll never be happy." Huh! I wasn't exactly a "happy child" to begin with.  :( I just have my grandfather the one person that I can count on to vent about things to.  So I'm grateful for that.  :D

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: warped on 10/16/13 at 8:06 am

Growing up in home with an active alcoholic can affect how a child looks at life and almost everything in it. The wording of these questions offer an insight into some ways children are affected by growing up in a alcoholic home.

http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/adult/a/aa110597.htm

1. Do you constantly seek approval and affirmation?

It may be because you don't really know what "normal" is -- you have to try to figure it out from the actions and reactions of others.

2. Do you fail to recognize your accomplishments?

What seems routine to you might be considered "overachieving" by everybody around you.

3. Do you fear criticism?

In childhood "criticism" often was accompanied by some form of abuse, verbal or otherwise.

4. Do you overextend yourself?

Just carrying a normal work load was never good enough. You had to do more to avoid the wrath of the alcoholic.

5. Have you had problems with your own compulsive behavior?

Without knowing it, you probably developed a pattern in childhood of approaching everything "alcoholically."

6. Do you have a need for perfection?

One little slip up and the alcoholic might explode into anger. That deep-seated fear can carry over into adulthood.

7. Are you uneasy when your life is going smoothly, continually anticipating problems?

The alcoholic always sabotaged the "good times" like holidays, birthdays, vacations, etc. Things never turned out the was the were planned.

8. Do you feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?

People can become addicted to excitement. They find "normal" people and situations boring.

9. Do you still feel responsible for others, as you did for the problem drinker in your life?

There's always that nagging feeling that you were somehow responsible for the alcoholic's drinking. Maybe if you had done something differently.

10. Do you care for others easily, yet find it difficult to care for yourself?

You are comfortable in the "caretaker" role, but extremely uncomfortable doing things for yourself, like spending money on something just for you.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I can see myself fit into a few of these, or have fit. And I have spent years trying to unlearn the behaviors I have learned.  Gotta keep trying and keep moving on.

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: apollonia1986 on 10/26/13 at 11:12 pm

I'm very thankful that my parents were both only "social" drinking and a 12 pack of Coors Light could last for weeks in the fridge between the two of them.
Both my parents quit around 1991--when I was five--cold turkey.
My mother, also a smoker since 1967, kicked the habit, cold turkey in 1996, when I was ten. She prayed really hard both times, and never reverted to either habit. I'm proud of her.
My father tried smoking in the 1940s after the War, never did take to it, and quit after a few months of trying.

I enjoy a drink, maybe once a month. I can't smoke, I have asthma.

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: 2kidsami on 10/27/13 at 12:27 am


Growing up in home with an active alcoholic can affect how a child looks at life and almost everything in it. The wording of these questions offer an insight into some ways children are affected by growing up in a alcoholic home.

http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/adult/a/aa110597.htm

1. Do you constantly seek approval and affirmation?

It may be because you don't really know what "normal" is -- you have to try to figure it out from the actions and reactions of others.

2. Do you fail to recognize your accomplishments?

What seems routine to you might be considered "overachieving" by everybody around you.

3. Do you fear criticism?

In childhood "criticism" often was accompanied by some form of abuse, verbal or otherwise.

4. Do you overextend yourself?

Just carrying a normal work load was never good enough. You had to do more to avoid the wrath of the alcoholic.

5. Have you had problems with your own compulsive behavior?

Without knowing it, you probably developed a pattern in childhood of approaching everything "alcoholically."

6. Do you have a need for perfection?

One little slip up and the alcoholic might explode into anger. That deep-seated fear can carry over into adulthood.

7. Are you uneasy when your life is going smoothly, continually anticipating problems?

The alcoholic always sabotaged the "good times" like holidays, birthdays, vacations, etc. Things never turned out the was the were planned.

8. Do you feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?

People can become addicted to excitement. They find "normal" people and situations boring.

9. Do you still feel responsible for others, as you did for the problem drinker in your life?

There's always that nagging feeling that you were somehow responsible for the alcoholic's drinking. Maybe if you had done something differently.

10. Do you care for others easily, yet find it difficult to care for yourself?

You are comfortable in the "caretaker" role, but extremely uncomfortable doing things for yourself, like spending money on something just for you.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I can see myself fit into a few of these, or have fit. And I have spent years trying to unlearn the behaviors I have learned.  Gotta keep trying and keep moving on.
yes,yes, yes, yes, I can! But I always watch it (reading, shopping, and of course drinking), yes, yes, yes, no, yes

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: c_keenan2001@hotmail.com on 10/27/13 at 12:51 am


Growing up in home with an active alcoholic can affect how a child looks at life and almost everything in it. The wording of these questions offer an insight into some ways children are affected by growing up in a alcoholic home.

http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/adult/a/aa110597.htm

1. Do you constantly seek approval and affirmation?

It may be because you don't really know what "normal" is -- you have to try to figure it out from the actions and reactions of others.

2. Do you fail to recognize your accomplishments?

What seems routine to you might be considered "overachieving" by everybody around you.

3. Do you fear criticism?

In childhood "criticism" often was accompanied by some form of abuse, verbal or otherwise.

4. Do you overextend yourself?

Just carrying a normal work load was never good enough. You had to do more to avoid the wrath of the alcoholic.

5. Have you had problems with your own compulsive behavior?

Without knowing it, you probably developed a pattern in childhood of approaching everything "alcoholically."

6. Do you have a need for perfection?

One little slip up and the alcoholic might explode into anger. That deep-seated fear can carry over into adulthood.

7. Are you uneasy when your life is going smoothly, continually anticipating problems?

The alcoholic always sabotaged the "good times" like holidays, birthdays, vacations, etc. Things never turned out the was the were planned.

8. Do you feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?

People can become addicted to excitement. They find "normal" people and situations boring.

9. Do you still feel responsible for others, as you did for the problem drinker in your life?

There's always that nagging feeling that you were somehow responsible for the alcoholic's drinking. Maybe if you had done something differently.

10. Do you care for others easily, yet find it difficult to care for yourself?

You are comfortable in the "caretaker" role, but extremely uncomfortable doing things for yourself, like spending money on something just for you.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I can see myself fit into a few of these, or have fit. And I have spent years trying to unlearn the behaviors I have learned.  Gotta keep trying and keep moving on.


Yeah I do all of these things.  My mother can read me like a book.  :( My mother says that I seek approval from people.  :( And it's true.

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: warped on 10/27/13 at 12:11 pm


yes,yes, yes, yes, I can! But I always watch it (reading, shopping, and of course drinking), yes, yes, yes, no, yes



Yeah I do all of these things.  My mother can read me like a book.  :( My mother says that I seek approval from people.  :( And it's true.


I have spoken with some other kids of alcoholic families and I have seen similar behavior.  Even spouses of alcoholics, they tend to seek affirmation quite a bit coz they get none from their husbands. 

I never thought I sought approval as a kid, or didn't think I did. But because I never knew what "normal" was, or "It may be because you don't really know what "normal" is -- you have to try to figure it out from the actions and reactions of others." I had to try and figure out approval from other peoples reactions. Same for recognizing my own accomplishments. Probably why I might have been an over-achiever and skipped grades in school...dunno.  I used to be a perfectionist but as I got older I don't give a crap about that anymore.

After my teenage years, having close friends or girlfriends or (now) a spouse, I have been told that I seek affirmation more than they do.  Even if I got 100% on a test in school, my parents never cared about that. They only said something like "get back to me if you get 100% for 5 tests in a row". So I never knew I was doing well. Even when I got awards in elementary school, my parents made it seem like the whole class was a bunch of idiots and stupid people and I won by default.

I have improved in the "seeking affirmation" part in my life, esp at work when my staff would tell me I didn't need to ask for that, that I was already doing a great job at work and everyone respected me. I honestly had no clue. So if once in a while  someone gets a pm from me when I want to respond to drama here or giving advice, I might ask them for a 2nd opinion before I post. Now you know why  :) ;)

For the others on the list: I know I am not compulsive and don't over-extend myself. I am not uneasy when my life is going smoothly, continually anticipating problems. I prefer an easy life. I don't feel responsible for others and never felt it was my fault that dad was an alcoholic. Why should I be? Nothing to do with me.

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: c_keenan2001@hotmail.com on 10/27/13 at 12:40 pm

Okay I've never actually known what a normal life is because I didn't have any concept of what that word "normal" is? It wasn't until I had a relationship with my maternal grandparents that I realized that this what a "normal" life is.

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: warped on 11/12/13 at 12:49 pm


Okay I've never actually known what a normal life is because I didn't have any concept of what that word "normal" is? It wasn't until I had a relationship with my maternal grandparents that I realized that this what a "normal" is.


I totally understand. 
Normal to me (as a kid) was "living in a dysfunctional family at home". It was normal to me, coz it's the only life I knew! I came home from school...did my homework, ate dinner with the family, saw my dad drunk, listened to him go on a rant for a few hours, listened to arguments at home (stayed in my room to avoid them) have him yell at me later as if I just murdered anyone that meant anything to him, and how I was the most useless piece of shyt on the planet, trying to avoid a physical fight...trying to make sure my dad didn't hit my mom (or any retaliation either)...... that was normal. Isn't every evening in every household like that?

Only when I made friends and saw how their family operated and was old enough to understand...that's when I knew my family wasn't normal.
"Normal" to me is when I got out of there.

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: c_keenan2001@hotmail.com on 11/23/13 at 11:32 am

Well, for me "normal" was listening to my mom and dad screaming at each other.
"Normal" was watching my dad drinking himself stupid.
"Normal" was being sent away by my mother while she got herself together.
"Normal" was screaming bloody murder while my grandparents took me back to their house.
"Normal" was mom not realizing how badly she traumatized me after she sent me and my brother away.
"Normal" was going to the bars with my dad and watching him drink himself stupid.

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: warped on 11/23/13 at 3:21 pm


Well, for me "normal" was listening to my mom and dad screaming at each other.
"Normal" was watching my dad drinking himself stupid.
"Normal" was being sent away by my mother while she got herself together.
"Normal" was screaming bloody murder while my grandparents took me back to their house.
"Normal" was mom not realizing how badly she traumatized me after she sent me and my brother away.
"Normal" was going to the bars with my dad and watching him drink himself stupid.


Yes, because these were normal to you and many of those were normal to me, we had to try to figure it out what was really "normal" was outside of our household.  Sometimes things were a shock to us outside of the house.

'You mean people don't scream at each other all day in your house?"
"You mean people don't get stupid drunk everyday in your home?"
"You mean you didn't have to worry someone might get beat up on a daily basis in your home?"
"You mean you could invite friends to your home and not be ashamed of your parents behavior?"

These are questions I asked my friends when I was growing up.

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: warped on 12/03/13 at 10:25 am


Well, for me "normal" was listening to my mom and dad screaming at each other.
"Normal" was watching my dad drinking himself stupid.
"Normal" was being sent away by my mother while she got herself together.
"Normal" was screaming bloody murder while my grandparents took me back to their house.
"Normal" was mom not realizing how badly she traumatized me after she sent me and my brother away.
"Normal" was going to the bars with my dad and watching him drink himself stupid.


Did your drinking dad ever cause your mom to lose some or many of her friends?

Just wondering.

In my case, my dad was an alcoholic as you know, drank all the time, he was pompous and arrogant and a real asshole too. My mom (I think??  ???) knew this, but was scared of him?. No matter how often he'd say stupid things to her friends (drunk or sober) and make fun of them and be very opinionated towards them (total asshole behavior), my mom always defended my dad, saying he was innocent, he didn't mean anything by it, bla bla bla.  I don't know if mom was stupid because NO ONE bought it, in fact whenever her friends said anything to her, she just sided with my asshole alcoholic dad and shut her friends out...eventually losing pretty much all her friends and still blindly thinking my dad was blameless and misunderstood  :-\\ 

Oh really mom? Dad says all Chinese people are stupid and dumb and lack intelligence (and said this often enough) ..and somehow the Chinese people (who were friends of my mom) did not interpret that properly and dad was misunderstood?  ::)  ::)

Maybe her self-confidence was so low that even if she thought of leaving him, she couldn't fine anyone else? She deserved better.  I wish my case would be like yours, where your mom left your dad.  When my dad died, she only had him left..an asshole abusive alcoholic, coz she shut out all her friends.  :(

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: c_keenan2001@hotmail.com on 12/03/13 at 11:58 am


Did your drinking dad ever cause your mom to lose some or many of her friends?


Just wondering.


No.  My mom managed to maintain the friends that she had; but he managed to scare all of my friends away when he went to visit us on the play ground which was really embarassing.  :(


In my case, my dad was an alcoholic as you know, drank all the time, he was pompous and arrogant and a real asshole too. My mom (I think??  ???) knew this, but was scared of him?. No matter how often he'd say stupid things to her friends (drunk or sober) and make fun of them and be very opinionated towards them (total asshole behavior), my mom always defended my dad, saying he was innocent, he didn't mean anything by it, bla bla bla.  I don't know if mom was stupid because NO ONE bought it, in fact whenever her friends said anything to her, she just sided with my asshole alcoholic dad and shut her friends out...eventually losing pretty much all her friends and still blindly thinking my dad was blameless and misunderstood  :-\\ 


My dad used to yell at my friends and scare them all away.  I didn't know how to handle it at the time because I was pretty vulnerable at that point.  Phsychologically I wasn't doing very well because I was incapable of letting him know that I didn't wnat him to be there at all.


Oh really mom? Dad says all Chinese people are stupid and dumb and lack intelligence (and said this often enough) ..and somehow the Chinese people (who were friends of my mom) did not interpret that properly and dad was misunderstood?  ::)  ::)


My dad wasn't as bad as your dad but I did want to kill him.  He thought that my teacher was a "dyke."  ::) ::)

Maybe her self-confidence was so low that even if she thought of leaving him, she couldn't fine anyone else? She deserved better.  I wish my case would be like yours, where your mom left your dad.  When my dad died, she only had him left..an asshole abusive alcoholic, coz she shut out all her friends.  :(


Maybe your mom thought that she couldn't do it on her own and stayed with him for the sake of family?

My mom always had self confidence and was able to leave my dad for the West End of Toronto.  She never took any stuff from my dad when he was drunk.  She told me that she imposed a fine of $500 on him everytime he came back with one of us drunk.  But the one thing that amazed me about my mom was her ability to keep us together and her love for her children.  We were important to her and now that I think about it whenever she left us with her parents she knew that she could count on them to take care of us and make sure that we were safe with them.

I think that for the month that we were with our grandparents I was a little bit afraid that she would leave and she wouldn't come back.  Grandma and grandpa Keenan were strangers to us at the time but now I'm very close with my grandpa. 

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: warped on 12/03/13 at 5:55 pm


No.  My mom managed to maintain the friends that she had; but he managed to scare all of my friends away when he went to visit us on the play ground which was really embarassing.  :(
My dad used to yell at my friends and scare them all away.  I didn't know how to handle it at the time because I was pretty vulnerable at that point.  Phsychologically I wasn't doing very well because I was incapable of letting him know that I didn't wnat him to be there at all.


My dad wasn't as bad as your dad but I did want to kill him.  He thought that my teacher was a "dyke."  ::) ::)

Maybe your mom thought that she couldn't do it on her own and stayed with him for the sake of family?

My mom always had self confidence and was able to leave my dad for the West End of Toronto.  She never took any stuff from my dad when he was drunk.  She told me that she imposed a fine of $500 on him everytime he came back with one of us drunk.  But the one thing that amazed me about my mom was her ability to keep us together and her love for her children.  We were important to her and now that I think about it whenever she left us with her parents she knew that she could count on them to take care of us and make sure that we were safe with them.

I think that for the month that we were with our grandparents I was a little bit afraid that she would leave and she wouldn't come back.  Grandma and grandpa Keenan were strangers to us at the time but now I'm very close with my grandpa.


Your mom had more strength than mine. She removed you from the situation and left your dad. My mom I think was too scared or had no confidence she could make it on her own. I don't really understand why she didn't think she couldn't have a better life than being at home all day with a pompous abusive alcoholic.  Coz if it were me, I'd be out of there.
Your mom was tough with your dad. Good for her! My mom defended all my dad's actions no matter what he did or how drunk he was or if he just drove away all her friends or made life miserable for her kids. She still defended him!

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: c_keenan2001@hotmail.com on 12/03/13 at 10:55 pm


Your mom had more strength than mine. She removed you from the situation and left your dad. My mom I think was too scared or had no confidence she could make it on her own. I don't really understand why she didn't think she couldn't have a better life than being at home all day with a pompous abusive alcoholic.  Coz if it were me, I'd be out of there.
Your mom was tough with your dad. Good for her! My mom defended all my dad's actions no matter what he did or how drunk he was or if he just drove away all her friends or made life miserable for her kids. She still defended him!


I'm actually glad that I did sever my relationship with my dad.  Because it was just one hurtful thing after another and I was getting tired of listening to his excuses.  I don't even comment on my cousin's Facebook posts after he's been there because I know that I had responded to them after him there may be a slim chance that he'll try and contact me and I don't want that at all.

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: warped on 12/09/13 at 7:44 am


I'm actually glad that I did sever my relationship with my dad.  Because it was just one hurtful thing after another and I was getting tired of listening to his excuses.  I don't even comment on my cousin's Facebook posts after he's been there because I know that I had responded to them after him there may be a slim chance that he'll try and contact me and I don't want that at all.


You don't need that right now.

My dad passed away 11? 12? 13 years ago...there never was any reason to have and communication/dialogue with him while he was alive, his behavior never changed.

As I said earlier, you have your own life now, free to chose your friends, free to find a guy you like and free to live the rest of your life. You are free of him. It's your life. Only you can live it. Don't let him control you anymore. Live your life to the fullest!  :)

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: Visor765 on 09/26/14 at 11:08 am


I lived with an alcoholic for about 10 years. I watched him go from a social drinker to a functioning drunk to
a self destructing, missing work, spending next weeks paycheck this week drunk. I watched him go from a
happy-go-lucky, nothing can bother me family man to a depressed, self loathing shell of a man. One day he
decided he's had enough, that is when he............I went into the bin to straighten out. August 22, 2000,
the last sip of alcohol I have had.


Family kept me sane, they are the reason I am still here. I truly believe had it not been for them I would have
drank myself right into the grave.


The bolded statement is very vague. What do you mean? Did he kill himself? Did you find a dead body? Did you try to commit suicide? I don't understand. What do you mean by "I went to the bin to straighten out"?

Subject: Re: Living with an alcoholic

Written By: Visor765 on 09/26/14 at 11:10 am

What was your dad like when he was sober? Not drunk at all? What happened to your mom?

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